Not quite as catchy a title as the musical but it'll do....
I resisted writing a look back at
the decade because it does feel self-indulgent and wanky. But also, I'm not
forcing anyone to read this so if it's just a journal entry for me so be it.
And this blog started at the start of the decade...so it seems fitting.
It was for me a fairly
momentous/significant/tumultuous decade (delete as applicable). I don't know
that I'm coming out of it better off or as a better person. But I've certainly
I guess the word is 'grown' along the way. I haven’t managed to tick off
many of the ‘should-haves’ by the age I’ve got to, or over the last 10 years-
but honestly, while I’d change a few things (and a few tears along the way) I
wouldn’t change the bigger picture.
This decade could have gone a very
different way. In 2009 I was halfway through my PGCE. I could have headed
towards that and not looked back. Instead in December 2009, I was applying for
my PhD and in the decade that followed changed everything over and over
again.
It's been a defining decade for
sure. Firstly the years from 25-35 are pretty defining for anyone, it's a move
from being a young person to being an 'adult' whatever that means. Its also the
decade where people settle down, move away...things change from the friendships
and relationships of your twenties. And it's a hard transition often. Harder
still if you spend half of that trapped in your PhD bubble, and 'lost' a good
chunk of that time.
And that's really how I feel- I
lost the second half of my twenties. That time when you're figuring out life,
career, friendships, relationships 'adulting' as we Millennials are fond of
saying. It all gets a bit lost when you spend that time doing a PhD. Your life
is on pause, or at least in limbo while the world around you moves on.
I've talked a lot of negativity
about my PhD but actually the first years were great. I got to do what I loved,
I felt like I was working towards something...later it all went wrong. But I
still am not sure I'd change doing it, just how I did it.
I got through it. I graduated.
Barely intact. I lost a fair few friends on the way (that bubble again). I lost
a lot of sanity, damaged my mental health...I was accused of lying by my
supervisors. Told my dyslexia meant I wouldn't succeed and offered no
support...all the while being beaten down by a string of endless job
rejections.
Ah yes jobs. People find it hard to
believe I've had over 10 jobs this decade.
Teacher (secondary)
Lecturer (HE)
Support Worker (HE)
Theatre Usher (two theatres)
Theatre bar staff
Box Office
(At one point I did all 6 at
once)
Development Advisor
Development Admin Wench (don't know
what my job title was there anymore)
Bookseller (Christmas temp)
Murder Admin (we all remember that
story right?)
Receptionist
Transcriber
Deputy Manager/Social Media
Manager
Marketing Officer
On top of those, in the last 2
years, also hustling for freelance writing work and other bits and pieces
including dramaturgy, script consulting, teaching and anything else I can lay
my grubby little paws on.
You might look at that list and
think I'm a bit shit at life (correct) but what that list shows is a decade of
fixed-term part-time/zero-hours contracts. It shows self-funding a PhD, and
self-funding starting a career in the arts (without the blessing of 'buying' an
in with a certain local MA course). It shows graduating into a recession,
twice. It shows the failure of academia as an industry.
And you know what else? a fuck
tonne of resilience.
I defy a lot of friends and
acquaintances to survive half of that (especially Murder Admin) and those, of
whom there are many who have survived similar, I salute you.
And that really feels like what
this decade was; survival. I survived the PhD and what came after.
And in the middle of all that I got
ill. I got diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis in 2015. It’s a chronic illness,
which means there’s no cure. And the fun filled times in my past, present and future
involve endless testing, medication of various delightful side-effects,
surgeries and who knows what else. On good days it’s mostly fine, on bad days…well.
And it’s an underpinning exhaustion to everything I do…and a constant future
question mark. But you keep going, no point worrying about what hasn’t happened
yet, enjoy the present while still healthy-ish.
And there’s nothing like stressful
times, and illness to shed a few friends along the way right? Right. Really it’s
a natural part of life, of growing up. I don’t have any malice for the ones
where we grew apart (though I do wish we’d all been mature enough to handle it
better). I hold a little malice for the ones who behaved like the Mean Girls,
but then I shrug and think ‘that says more about you than me’. More than
anything I’m learning to go into the next decade knowing to fight for my
friends but not to fight to make anyone my friend. I’ll no long hang anxiously
by my phone waiting for people to message, I’ll just send a message to those I
know will. When it’s right- be that friendship or relationship you don’t need
to fight for someone to be in your life, they just will be. I’ve also learned
to let go of my idea of what I ‘should’ have. I don’t have a cohesive
friendship group. My friends are scattered here and there. I don’t have a big
new year’s party with all my friends, because most of them don’t know each
other. And that’s fine, I’m an introvert, I do small and meaningful better than
big and loud and that’s fine. Most importantly I’m going into a new decade with
a solid group of reliable friends. And that too is a great achievement.
Someone once told me it's where you
are 5 years after the PhD that counts. I'm not sure that's a perfect
measurement (some science bro PhD will tell me I'm sure). But I will say this,
for me the turning point came three-ish years ago.
In 2016 I heard the National
Theatre was doing Angels in America and I went to the work toilets and cried.
Because I'd 'failed' so badly in my career goals that it was happening and I
felt worlds apart from it.
And then my dear friend Jan told me
to 'send an email' and sent me a link to Marianne Elliott's agents.
People roll their eyes when I tell
them that production changed my life but it did. My decade is bookended by this
play- from my PhD to it shifting and meaning a new chapter in my life. That
chapter is still a messy first draft but without Angels happening…it would have
been a different story. And I’ll forever look back on this decade for that. For
the brilliant amazing experiences it led to, to me growing professionally, as a
writer, as an academic and everything in between. It truly did define me. It
also brought me some amazing people into my life. And I’m even more grateful
for that every day.
And you know what if that is my one
take-away from this decade: good friends fighting your corner and having the
balls to give it a go. That's it. That's what I learned.
I came out of the first half
scared, and a bit friendless. Totally lost. My friend supported me and I sent
that email.
I earned everything that came from
that, I fought hard and proved myself. I'm still fighting hard, not quite
getting there. But I'm braver now. And I have friends who cheer me on, who want
me to win.
I've managed a lot this decade. I
bore people, some people think I'm an 'Immodest woman' for mentioning my PhD,
but it is my greatest achievement to date, and a hard-won one. Since then I've
published- on my terms, work that I wanted to. I've started to make creative
work, I've had things performed, this year I got my very first proper play
performed. I wouldn't have dreamed that was possible a decade ago.
The second half of this decade was as hard as the first. Harder maybe because the first half there was an end goal in sight. Now it's just 'keep going until you have to give up and see what happens' I can't tell you how many times I've picked myself off the floor (literally). I can't tell you how much of a failure I feel most of the time when it feels like all the doors are slamming in my face. I feel like I've been kicked when I'm down more often than I can count, this year was no exception. In the face of a 'highlights real' where I've done some amazing things, there are a dozen other times I'm crying into my coffee, or cursing the universe. It's hard seeing people a decade younger overtake you. Of still not knowing what is next ever.
And what is next?
Honestly I don’t know.
I do know. Finish the fucking book
Emily, finish the fucking book. Someone hold me to that in 10 years time.
But seriously what else?
The book.
The play (s)
The other book book.
Kick my freelance writing into gear
again.
Get a job at a theatre (Anyone need
a marketing wench or a new work wench?)
(get a job at the National Theatre)
Oh and I’d like to try that whole ‘having
a personal life’ thing again. As the girl in the red dress once said ‘I’m ready
now….’
