So the last post was more of a negative reflection on what has been, frankly a pretty rubbish year in many respects.
So I decided to list the things I have achieved this year (who doesn't love a list right?) and some aims for the next year. It's also part of my determination to stop viewing the world in terms of academic year, and get back to calander years like the real people do.
1. I finished, like properly finsihed the PhD.
To be honest I'm going to claim this one for about the next 5 years. To finally, finally get all the corrections in, signed off, and submit the damn thing for the final time is still an achievement. And one I'm happy to be leaving far behind me.
2. Got a job.
3. Survived 6 months in the job.
This is factual information. Interpret the wording as you will.
4. Got to fulfil a dream in giving a post-show theatre talk (no really, as a usher who sat through too many a post-show talk I always wanted to give one, and I gave 2) in London, in the West End, for a show I adore, using my PhD. This is actually possibly my favourite thing this year.
5. Got taken on as a reviewer by Wales Arts Review. And at the end of the year by Buzz magazine too.
6. As a result of 5. actually got invited to shows to review. And got great feedback from all sorts of people/areas about my writing.
7. Started to make contacts in my local theatre community again, and started to feel like there was a possablity of being part of that community as well.
8. Presented a paper based on my PhD at a conference that was actually talior made to my PhD topic.
9. Got to take my Mum on holiday to New York as a thank you for supporting me through the previous 4 years.
10. Became a board member of a theatre company that I'm passionate about.
11. Wrote lots (but not enough)
12. Flawlessly learned the rap from 'Satisfied' in Hamilton. This may be my greatest achievment this year. I'm not kidding.
I did a lot of great things in 2015:
1. Went to New York with my Mum. It was good to be 'home' again. And to have an actual holiday.
2. Went to London, a lot, spent a lot of time with great people.
3. Went to Downton Abbey (Highclare Castle) it's nerdy but it makes me happy.
4. Got to go to the theatre a lot, got to see a lot of things I wouldn't see through reviewing.
5. Got to have a social life again after 4 years of not.
Things that I learned this year:
1. Academia is not for me, and that's ok.
2. Everything takes time. It's painful, and slow and a pain in the arse but it takes time.
3. The right people, the people that matter will appreciate your work if yo make it good enough.
4. It's still worth it to chase after what you love.
5. You don't need many real friends, but they're the ones that matter.
Favourite things from this year:
1. Awkward rapping in my car to the Hamilton cast recording. General return of my musical theatre nerdiness.
2. The X Files being (almost back) and Gillian Anderson just in general (ok and David)
3. All the wonderful theatre. I can't choose, but here's my 2015 review blog here
4. All the wonderful nerdy tv shows and falling down the nerdy rabbit holes associated with them (Hannibal, Supernatural I'm looking at you)
5. My Nespresso machine. Really, it's an intense relationship.
6. Running. Who knew right?
Things I would like from 2016:
(Rather than resolutions, I'm calling this a wish list)
1. A job that I can really throw my mind and heart behind.
2. Make some more use of the damn PhD.
3. Write a new play. Convince someone to perform it.
4. Run more. Join in races of some kind.
5. Spend time with the people who matter, forget the ones who don't.
6. Go on a date. An actual real person date. (I'm not being as sweeping to say anything about relationships here, I'd frankly settle for a damn date)
7. Travel more. Starting with Portugal in January (hooray head start there)
8. Change my hair. (Blonde? longer? any advice?)
9. Find one new hobby. It's time to mix things up now I have lesiure time again.
10. Say yes to more things. (just not drugs, kids, always say no to drugs)
Thursday, December 31, 2015
Monday, December 28, 2015
Post PhD 12 months on....
Back in November it was the first anniversary of my viva. I wanted to write a refection of things a year on, but really struggled to articulate anything coherent on the subject.
In part this is because actually the viva isn't the end, and actually with corrections and everything else it actually didn't really feel like it was over, over until my graduation the following July. As that July also coincided roughly with the start of my first "real" post PhD job that's when things felt like they moved into the next chapter.
Or did they? it's hard to tell. Truth be told I feel like I'm still waiting for a 'real' post-PhD life to begin. And I think that has to do with not being where I want to be, and struggling to figure that out.
And the truth of the matter is for the last 6 months I've been the most unhappy I've ever been in my life. I've tried and tried to put a positive spin on it. But when I've found myself in tears several times a week, incredibly unhappy in my job and trying to come to terms with my failure as an academic while figuring out what on earth I'm supposed to do next, it's pretty hard to find a silver lining.
And after 4 years of fighting so hard to finish the PhD, I honestly don't have any fight left.
The other thing I've found is that people are all to quick to tell you what you're doing wrong: not publishing enough, taking the wrong job (despite pressuring you in the first place to take the job, any job that keeps an tiny foothold in the hallowed ivory tower) where you should be looking for a job (academic of course, no other options exist) how you should be using every second of this job (and your spare time) otherwise you'll never get another job. Etc. Etc.
Nobody within academia ever stops you to ask what you want to do.
What I do know is that where I want to be is not in academia. Which is tough when currently in a University job (non academic, as many are quick to remind me)
I also want to say one very important thing:
I am a failed academic.
And follow it up with something equally important:
And that's ok.
Academia is very quick to fail people in every sense of the word. Academia is quick not to support people, to at best neglect them, at worst sabotage them so that they fail. What academia and academics don't like is letting people go who've failed. There's a mentality that you're not allowed to walk away, even when people are telling you that you're not worth the oxygen on campus, but somehow you should still want to hang on to the bitter end. That's not for me. I prefer to know when I'm beaten and walk away, find something that not only I might be good at but that I might be happy in.
But it's not an easy move to make. From within these voices tell you that you're wrong to want to leave (while simultaneously complaining about academia I might add) Add to this the voices from outside asking "Well you've done all this studying, what are you going to do with it?" as well as the employers who simultanously see you as over qualified and under qualified.
It's so tempting just to keep on the treadmill, to keep poking at acadmemic jobs because at least on paper it looks like I'm qualifed, and at least I can console myself with just how bad the job market is, as to why I don't get anywhere.
But getting out is hard. Finding a way to use your skills and an employer willing to consider those skills is one thing. But so is re-training a brain that's been conditioned to think that only one way lays success.
So yes I've done a lot of crying over the last 6 months-more than all of my PhD I'd be willing to bet. But I've also done a lot of work. I've done my best to network, I've taken on projects and written like I'm running out of time. I've read a lot about how to sell my skills elsewhere, how to adapt to being someone 'with a PhD' that someone somewhere might want.
I don't think I'm asking for miracles. I'm a bloody hard worker-I've worked since I was 15 and taken any and every job I could get my hands on to earn a living and gain skills-I've done every customer service job going, I've done every crappy office job going, and I've taught and taught. All I want is a job that engages my brain and lets me feel useful.
If I'm making a wish list I want a job that has the following:
1. Writing.
2. Not a 9-5 office job.
3. Some form of 'teaching' involved.
4. Using research skills.
5. Working with people outside of the organisation.
Some combination of the above. I'm not built for a 9-5, and I do well working in a teaching/public facing position-if I solely only work with the same people I want to staple things to them. I'm good at talking, engaging and generally working with people.
In an ideal world I'd write and nothing else. But until I can have a dream job I'm more than happy to do anything-always have been. I just don't want to cry on the way home every day.
*a note, should anyone read this with malicous intent: my current job is a fixed term contract to June. 6 months is a reasonable time-frame to be laying groundwork for a career change which is what this post represents. My unhappiness in my current position has been discussed frankly with my current managers therefore this post also includes nothing not already known to them.
In part this is because actually the viva isn't the end, and actually with corrections and everything else it actually didn't really feel like it was over, over until my graduation the following July. As that July also coincided roughly with the start of my first "real" post PhD job that's when things felt like they moved into the next chapter.
Or did they? it's hard to tell. Truth be told I feel like I'm still waiting for a 'real' post-PhD life to begin. And I think that has to do with not being where I want to be, and struggling to figure that out.
And the truth of the matter is for the last 6 months I've been the most unhappy I've ever been in my life. I've tried and tried to put a positive spin on it. But when I've found myself in tears several times a week, incredibly unhappy in my job and trying to come to terms with my failure as an academic while figuring out what on earth I'm supposed to do next, it's pretty hard to find a silver lining.
And after 4 years of fighting so hard to finish the PhD, I honestly don't have any fight left.
The other thing I've found is that people are all to quick to tell you what you're doing wrong: not publishing enough, taking the wrong job (despite pressuring you in the first place to take the job, any job that keeps an tiny foothold in the hallowed ivory tower) where you should be looking for a job (academic of course, no other options exist) how you should be using every second of this job (and your spare time) otherwise you'll never get another job. Etc. Etc.
Nobody within academia ever stops you to ask what you want to do.
What I do know is that where I want to be is not in academia. Which is tough when currently in a University job (non academic, as many are quick to remind me)
I also want to say one very important thing:
I am a failed academic.
And follow it up with something equally important:
And that's ok.
Academia is very quick to fail people in every sense of the word. Academia is quick not to support people, to at best neglect them, at worst sabotage them so that they fail. What academia and academics don't like is letting people go who've failed. There's a mentality that you're not allowed to walk away, even when people are telling you that you're not worth the oxygen on campus, but somehow you should still want to hang on to the bitter end. That's not for me. I prefer to know when I'm beaten and walk away, find something that not only I might be good at but that I might be happy in.
But it's not an easy move to make. From within these voices tell you that you're wrong to want to leave (while simultaneously complaining about academia I might add) Add to this the voices from outside asking "Well you've done all this studying, what are you going to do with it?" as well as the employers who simultanously see you as over qualified and under qualified.
It's so tempting just to keep on the treadmill, to keep poking at acadmemic jobs because at least on paper it looks like I'm qualifed, and at least I can console myself with just how bad the job market is, as to why I don't get anywhere.
But getting out is hard. Finding a way to use your skills and an employer willing to consider those skills is one thing. But so is re-training a brain that's been conditioned to think that only one way lays success.
So yes I've done a lot of crying over the last 6 months-more than all of my PhD I'd be willing to bet. But I've also done a lot of work. I've done my best to network, I've taken on projects and written like I'm running out of time. I've read a lot about how to sell my skills elsewhere, how to adapt to being someone 'with a PhD' that someone somewhere might want.
I don't think I'm asking for miracles. I'm a bloody hard worker-I've worked since I was 15 and taken any and every job I could get my hands on to earn a living and gain skills-I've done every customer service job going, I've done every crappy office job going, and I've taught and taught. All I want is a job that engages my brain and lets me feel useful.
If I'm making a wish list I want a job that has the following:
1. Writing.
2. Not a 9-5 office job.
3. Some form of 'teaching' involved.
4. Using research skills.
5. Working with people outside of the organisation.
Some combination of the above. I'm not built for a 9-5, and I do well working in a teaching/public facing position-if I solely only work with the same people I want to staple things to them. I'm good at talking, engaging and generally working with people.
In an ideal world I'd write and nothing else. But until I can have a dream job I'm more than happy to do anything-always have been. I just don't want to cry on the way home every day.
*a note, should anyone read this with malicous intent: my current job is a fixed term contract to June. 6 months is a reasonable time-frame to be laying groundwork for a career change which is what this post represents. My unhappiness in my current position has been discussed frankly with my current managers therefore this post also includes nothing not already known to them.
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
World AIDS Day: Ending the Stigma
Whenever I tell people I wrote my PhD on 'theatre about AIDS' they at best ask me "Why?" with an air of confusion, at worst ask me "Why?" with an air of revulsion.
That, right there is the answer to the question of 'why'.
In a more detailed answer, we never ask people why they support other causes indeed we almost expect it with other illness related charities-try not donating to an office bake sale for Breast Cancer and you'll get odd looks. People don't expect you to have had Breast Cancer or other cancers even to donate to a cancer charity. Likewise when the Ice Bucket challenge took off, those who actually had direct experience of Motor Neurone Disease were a tiny minority, and still nobody asked 'but why?'. Outside of illness related charities we don't ask 'why' when we donate, you don't have to have been homeless to feel empathy and sympathy for someone who is, or to want to help prevent it happening. Likewise with political causes, those standing up for refugees are not refugees themselves, neither do most of them know any refugees. The answer to 'why' is because I'm human, because I care.
Admittedly my investment and campaigning on the subject of HIV/AIDS has been more than most. And in honest, answer to the question 'why?' when asked in a sincere way is, 'I don't know'. Why does any cause compel us to action? I recently heard AIDS activist Sarah Schulman speak and she recounted people joining ACT UP (the activist group formed in America to lobby the government for research and treatment) who seemingly had no connection to anyone affected. In the first instance she talked about feeling that these people must in some way have lost someone, know someone with AIDS. But actually in some cases it was as simple as seeing a television report and wanting to help. It's a similar story for me, I had no particular attachment or experience of AIDS but found myself in the sense of my research intrigued to write about how people responded through art, and in a personal sense to therefore continue to raise awareness and campaign for associated causes.
For me the motivation came from the sense of injustice that an illness is so stigmatised. And this in 2015 is actually the biggest issue in confronting HIV/AIDS. We saw only recently the press witch hunt for the 'mystery celebrity' with HIV, and following that the bile and judgement directed at Charlie Sheen. The fact that anyone should be forced to 'reveal' their illness is a repugnant one, and that someone should be judged and blamed for an illness is equally disgusting. The headlines and the comments of both professional "journalists" and the general public made it feel like the early 80s again, with the amount of ignorance and judgement towards people with HIV.
What Charlie Sheen did do however was open up the discussion again. It allowed those who are knowledgeable either through profession as Doctors, nurses and others working to support those with HIV, and those with personal experience living with the condition, to speak out and try to educate. So if all the bile and misinformation a couple of weeks ago led to conversations, education and maybe a few minds changed then something good came of it.
But it's not enough. This world AIDS day, while we still remember all those who have been lost, we also look to end the stigma and move things forward.
For World AIDS Day we need to encourage people to get tested, help those diagnosed to get the right treatment and support. And around all that for the rest of us, we need to end the stigma. Talk about HIV, talk about getting tested, talk to people with HIV. And educate those who make ignorant comments. The way to move forward with HIV is to talk about HIV.
For anyone looking for further information about HIV including advice on testing the Terrance Higgins trust can help: http://www.tht.org.uk
That, right there is the answer to the question of 'why'.
In a more detailed answer, we never ask people why they support other causes indeed we almost expect it with other illness related charities-try not donating to an office bake sale for Breast Cancer and you'll get odd looks. People don't expect you to have had Breast Cancer or other cancers even to donate to a cancer charity. Likewise when the Ice Bucket challenge took off, those who actually had direct experience of Motor Neurone Disease were a tiny minority, and still nobody asked 'but why?'. Outside of illness related charities we don't ask 'why' when we donate, you don't have to have been homeless to feel empathy and sympathy for someone who is, or to want to help prevent it happening. Likewise with political causes, those standing up for refugees are not refugees themselves, neither do most of them know any refugees. The answer to 'why' is because I'm human, because I care.
Admittedly my investment and campaigning on the subject of HIV/AIDS has been more than most. And in honest, answer to the question 'why?' when asked in a sincere way is, 'I don't know'. Why does any cause compel us to action? I recently heard AIDS activist Sarah Schulman speak and she recounted people joining ACT UP (the activist group formed in America to lobby the government for research and treatment) who seemingly had no connection to anyone affected. In the first instance she talked about feeling that these people must in some way have lost someone, know someone with AIDS. But actually in some cases it was as simple as seeing a television report and wanting to help. It's a similar story for me, I had no particular attachment or experience of AIDS but found myself in the sense of my research intrigued to write about how people responded through art, and in a personal sense to therefore continue to raise awareness and campaign for associated causes.
For me the motivation came from the sense of injustice that an illness is so stigmatised. And this in 2015 is actually the biggest issue in confronting HIV/AIDS. We saw only recently the press witch hunt for the 'mystery celebrity' with HIV, and following that the bile and judgement directed at Charlie Sheen. The fact that anyone should be forced to 'reveal' their illness is a repugnant one, and that someone should be judged and blamed for an illness is equally disgusting. The headlines and the comments of both professional "journalists" and the general public made it feel like the early 80s again, with the amount of ignorance and judgement towards people with HIV.
What Charlie Sheen did do however was open up the discussion again. It allowed those who are knowledgeable either through profession as Doctors, nurses and others working to support those with HIV, and those with personal experience living with the condition, to speak out and try to educate. So if all the bile and misinformation a couple of weeks ago led to conversations, education and maybe a few minds changed then something good came of it.
But it's not enough. This world AIDS day, while we still remember all those who have been lost, we also look to end the stigma and move things forward.
For World AIDS Day we need to encourage people to get tested, help those diagnosed to get the right treatment and support. And around all that for the rest of us, we need to end the stigma. Talk about HIV, talk about getting tested, talk to people with HIV. And educate those who make ignorant comments. The way to move forward with HIV is to talk about HIV.
For anyone looking for further information about HIV including advice on testing the Terrance Higgins trust can help: http://www.tht.org.uk
Thursday, October 8, 2015
Smuggling Satsumas in a handbag (Post PhD financial hangover)
Being a PhD student, particularly a self funded one, or one later in life I stills certain values of thrift and certain fear of running out of money.
This was brought home to me last week in a couple of ways. I'm making a steady wage now and a decent one, but it is fixed term. And a pathological fear of spending money continues. The trouble is after 4 years of existing on next to nothing, or a continually fluctuating wage, there's a lot of stuff, sometimes quite big stuff that I need to buy now that I have money. Or 'while' I have money as I'm now conditioned to think of it.
This means I'm stuck in the troubling impasse of wanting/needing to use this new income to replace or purchase everything I haven't been able to for the past 4 years...and a crippling fear of it suddenly disappearing. For example I was lacking in both office clothes and well decent clothes in general having been on a severe budget and/or at the mercy of gifts form 4 years. So a lot of the first couple of pay checks went on clothes. None of which were expensive (I'm a supermarket and M&S outlet kind of girl!) but of course add up. I did treat myself a little bit, buying clothes and/or books and other things a didn't so much need as want, but after years of not being able to "want" it felt incredibly indulgent, and when adding it up (still not to tallying much in the scheme of things) I felt guilty.
Then comes the fear of it all being taken away again. Being on a fixed term contract this is a very real fear, but having existed on zero hours contracts for years in which there can be months without income I have a fear of allowing too much money to leave my account at once, because often one months income had to last three. So even though I know that even if I spend a lot this month the same amount will appear again next, it doesn't quite sink in. The idea of making a long term commitment to outgoings like a new phone contract leave me stressed, as do any major purchases or upcoming expensive events.
So while I know I had the money to pay for a holiday and indeed pay for Mum as well (the first in nearly 5 years in fact) I felt horribly guilty about spending money on something like that. I've also um'd and ah'd over a new car which I do need (in part so Mum can have my old one to replace the one that we've had since I was in school) but again despite being able to afford it (or at least having the facility to pay off the credit card bill)
The side effects aren't just in terms of my own larger outgoings but my general attitude to spending money. I'm one of the few people in my office who brings their own lunch 90% of the time because I'm not used to having an option not to, and spending what £5 a day? That's £25 a week that's £250 a month. If I find myself buying too many coffees or bottles of water I chide myself. I also instinctively gravitate towards the cheapest food outlets when I do buy lunch- I love Pret, but Boots or Tesco meal deal is half the price...
This week I went on a training course, for which I had to feed myself out and about for a day and a half. While other delegates dined in the hotel restaurant, I went to the food court of the shopping centre. Stopping at the supermarket for a few top up supplies I knew that the warm bottles of water in the drink aisle are cheaper than those with the sandwiches and that it's cheaper to buy the standard bags of fruit rather than individual. And this is also why I'm carrying 3 apples and 5 satsumas in my backpack from Leeds. Its not just the PhD student in me, as Lorde said "we don't come from money" but also 4 years of making 1 months pay stretch to 3 across the summer or trading off new clothes for needed books will do that to you.
This is far from a PhD student problem-it's a people on zero hours contract problem, it's a minimum wage job problem. It's an hourly paid lecturer problem. And I'm well aware there are people far worse off than I ever was. What I'm getting at here is a particular mentality that's at odds with many of those around you as a PhD student. I remember vividly the first (and only!) department Christmas meal I and another PhD student went to. When the time came to split the bill at the expensive gastro pub we'd found ourselves in...well let's just say we were handing over more than a day's wages (that were about to stop for a month due to the Christmas break) for a lot of wine that we didn't drink...when everyone else around you is on £35k plus and you're struggling to hit £10k the gap becomes startling.
So back in the day when Universities could afford biscuits in meetings that's why you'll find PhD students stealing the leftovers (and the tea bags)...Also when the training day has not just a lunch buffet but a proper meal included...well that's just Christmas. I'd have paid to see a hoard of PhD students let loose on that.
This was brought home to me last week in a couple of ways. I'm making a steady wage now and a decent one, but it is fixed term. And a pathological fear of spending money continues. The trouble is after 4 years of existing on next to nothing, or a continually fluctuating wage, there's a lot of stuff, sometimes quite big stuff that I need to buy now that I have money. Or 'while' I have money as I'm now conditioned to think of it.
This means I'm stuck in the troubling impasse of wanting/needing to use this new income to replace or purchase everything I haven't been able to for the past 4 years...and a crippling fear of it suddenly disappearing. For example I was lacking in both office clothes and well decent clothes in general having been on a severe budget and/or at the mercy of gifts form 4 years. So a lot of the first couple of pay checks went on clothes. None of which were expensive (I'm a supermarket and M&S outlet kind of girl!) but of course add up. I did treat myself a little bit, buying clothes and/or books and other things a didn't so much need as want, but after years of not being able to "want" it felt incredibly indulgent, and when adding it up (still not to tallying much in the scheme of things) I felt guilty.
Then comes the fear of it all being taken away again. Being on a fixed term contract this is a very real fear, but having existed on zero hours contracts for years in which there can be months without income I have a fear of allowing too much money to leave my account at once, because often one months income had to last three. So even though I know that even if I spend a lot this month the same amount will appear again next, it doesn't quite sink in. The idea of making a long term commitment to outgoings like a new phone contract leave me stressed, as do any major purchases or upcoming expensive events.
So while I know I had the money to pay for a holiday and indeed pay for Mum as well (the first in nearly 5 years in fact) I felt horribly guilty about spending money on something like that. I've also um'd and ah'd over a new car which I do need (in part so Mum can have my old one to replace the one that we've had since I was in school) but again despite being able to afford it (or at least having the facility to pay off the credit card bill)
The side effects aren't just in terms of my own larger outgoings but my general attitude to spending money. I'm one of the few people in my office who brings their own lunch 90% of the time because I'm not used to having an option not to, and spending what £5 a day? That's £25 a week that's £250 a month. If I find myself buying too many coffees or bottles of water I chide myself. I also instinctively gravitate towards the cheapest food outlets when I do buy lunch- I love Pret, but Boots or Tesco meal deal is half the price...
This week I went on a training course, for which I had to feed myself out and about for a day and a half. While other delegates dined in the hotel restaurant, I went to the food court of the shopping centre. Stopping at the supermarket for a few top up supplies I knew that the warm bottles of water in the drink aisle are cheaper than those with the sandwiches and that it's cheaper to buy the standard bags of fruit rather than individual. And this is also why I'm carrying 3 apples and 5 satsumas in my backpack from Leeds. Its not just the PhD student in me, as Lorde said "we don't come from money" but also 4 years of making 1 months pay stretch to 3 across the summer or trading off new clothes for needed books will do that to you.
This is far from a PhD student problem-it's a people on zero hours contract problem, it's a minimum wage job problem. It's an hourly paid lecturer problem. And I'm well aware there are people far worse off than I ever was. What I'm getting at here is a particular mentality that's at odds with many of those around you as a PhD student. I remember vividly the first (and only!) department Christmas meal I and another PhD student went to. When the time came to split the bill at the expensive gastro pub we'd found ourselves in...well let's just say we were handing over more than a day's wages (that were about to stop for a month due to the Christmas break) for a lot of wine that we didn't drink...when everyone else around you is on £35k plus and you're struggling to hit £10k the gap becomes startling.
So back in the day when Universities could afford biscuits in meetings that's why you'll find PhD students stealing the leftovers (and the tea bags)...Also when the training day has not just a lunch buffet but a proper meal included...well that's just Christmas. I'd have paid to see a hoard of PhD students let loose on that.
Sunday, September 20, 2015
Post-PhD chat: Sometimes the wrong way is right
Hello, I thought I'd start posting a few 'post-PhD' blogs, under the heading of 'Post-PhD Chat' to cover a few bits and bobs that only really crop up in the aftermath.
And my first musing is about how, as with much of the PhD so many people have ideas about the 'right way' to do things post-PhD. And as with much of the PhD, many people are frankly full of crap. That's not to say there isn't good advice, or people who mean well, but you have to find your own way.
Case in point, recently I was offered some teaching work and for reasons that are neither interesting or in my control it now turns out I can't do it. And you know what? I'm relieved. On being offered what was in honesty some very nice teaching work, my first instinct was 'Yes, yes 110% yes' This instinct is partly years and years of zero hours contracts that mean you take anything and everything that's offered. And partly the PhD/Academic mentality that you can't say no. Well actually you can.
Now as it happens it didn't work out-nobody's fault just one of those logistical things. BUT I was relieved, and I'd considered turning it down, and it was only PhD/Academic guilt that kept me from doing it outright.
Now I love teaching. As I've addressed elsewhere it's the teaching I love in academia, and I love teaching in any context. But in this particular context it was a challenging seminar to run on top of my full time job and a plethora of what me might call 'extra curricular' activities (I'll get back to that) And frankly there's only so many hours in a day. And I've just finished a PhD, and I'm only just remembering what it's like to not work 12-14 hour days 6 days a week. To be frank I am exhausted still, months on. Because it takes time to recover and shift gears.
There's also the pressure to immediately publish, produce conference papers and generally be a PhD machine once more. Again I've majorly taken my foot off the gas on this one. Currently I have one book chapter in progress for the end of the year, one review to write and I'm idly (very idly) considering how to publish bits of the thesis. And yes, my uncertainty about academic future is a component in this, was I set on an academic job I might be more pro-active in that, but then again who knows. I do know that the one chapter I've written is better than anything I was writing previously, so maybe doing less better is not a bad way to be. I don't know, there's no right way.
What I have been doing is ploughing a whole lot of energy into a whole lot of other projects. And (say this quietly) I feel a lot more fulfilled by these than anything I was doing academically. I gave post-show talks for a play in London, I've started writing for Wales Arts Review and a few other places, and honestly I get more satisfaction from that than churning out meaningless (to me) academic essays. I've recently got involved in another theatre production, I've been invited to give a couple of talks at Universities. And I'm even slowly getting back to my own writing (well staring at things, but it's a start) All in all I'm doing things I have a passion for and that get me excited.
Now many an academic will shake their head sadly and say I've already shot myself in the foot. That I'm doing it all wrong. And I say you know what, I don't care. I'd got to a point where academia and trying to get a foot in that door, of a room I wasn't even sure I wanted to be in, had made me miserable.
And we need to get it out of our heads that there's only one right way. Even if I did decide that academia is the path for me, I've still got a foothold (my actual job for a start is academic related, within my chosen field just not a pure 'academic' job, but that's another set of snobbery from the academic brigade for you) And I am still publishing what I have in process, and I may do more. I'm just not killing myself to do it. And maybe if my heart was set on it I'd feel differently, and maybe it's a sign it's not. But either way what none of us needs is the braying mobs of academia telling us we're doing it wrong and our careers are over before they've begun. So take a step back, take a breath. Pause before leaping in blindly because it's what we're supposed to do post-PhD.
I may not know what I'm doing or where I'm going with it all but I'm making new contacts (maybe even, shock horror new friends too) and I'm developing skills, broadening my work and figuring it out for myself instead of being told which path to take.
And my first musing is about how, as with much of the PhD so many people have ideas about the 'right way' to do things post-PhD. And as with much of the PhD, many people are frankly full of crap. That's not to say there isn't good advice, or people who mean well, but you have to find your own way.
Case in point, recently I was offered some teaching work and for reasons that are neither interesting or in my control it now turns out I can't do it. And you know what? I'm relieved. On being offered what was in honesty some very nice teaching work, my first instinct was 'Yes, yes 110% yes' This instinct is partly years and years of zero hours contracts that mean you take anything and everything that's offered. And partly the PhD/Academic mentality that you can't say no. Well actually you can.
Now as it happens it didn't work out-nobody's fault just one of those logistical things. BUT I was relieved, and I'd considered turning it down, and it was only PhD/Academic guilt that kept me from doing it outright.
Now I love teaching. As I've addressed elsewhere it's the teaching I love in academia, and I love teaching in any context. But in this particular context it was a challenging seminar to run on top of my full time job and a plethora of what me might call 'extra curricular' activities (I'll get back to that) And frankly there's only so many hours in a day. And I've just finished a PhD, and I'm only just remembering what it's like to not work 12-14 hour days 6 days a week. To be frank I am exhausted still, months on. Because it takes time to recover and shift gears.
There's also the pressure to immediately publish, produce conference papers and generally be a PhD machine once more. Again I've majorly taken my foot off the gas on this one. Currently I have one book chapter in progress for the end of the year, one review to write and I'm idly (very idly) considering how to publish bits of the thesis. And yes, my uncertainty about academic future is a component in this, was I set on an academic job I might be more pro-active in that, but then again who knows. I do know that the one chapter I've written is better than anything I was writing previously, so maybe doing less better is not a bad way to be. I don't know, there's no right way.
What I have been doing is ploughing a whole lot of energy into a whole lot of other projects. And (say this quietly) I feel a lot more fulfilled by these than anything I was doing academically. I gave post-show talks for a play in London, I've started writing for Wales Arts Review and a few other places, and honestly I get more satisfaction from that than churning out meaningless (to me) academic essays. I've recently got involved in another theatre production, I've been invited to give a couple of talks at Universities. And I'm even slowly getting back to my own writing (well staring at things, but it's a start) All in all I'm doing things I have a passion for and that get me excited.
Now many an academic will shake their head sadly and say I've already shot myself in the foot. That I'm doing it all wrong. And I say you know what, I don't care. I'd got to a point where academia and trying to get a foot in that door, of a room I wasn't even sure I wanted to be in, had made me miserable.
And we need to get it out of our heads that there's only one right way. Even if I did decide that academia is the path for me, I've still got a foothold (my actual job for a start is academic related, within my chosen field just not a pure 'academic' job, but that's another set of snobbery from the academic brigade for you) And I am still publishing what I have in process, and I may do more. I'm just not killing myself to do it. And maybe if my heart was set on it I'd feel differently, and maybe it's a sign it's not. But either way what none of us needs is the braying mobs of academia telling us we're doing it wrong and our careers are over before they've begun. So take a step back, take a breath. Pause before leaping in blindly because it's what we're supposed to do post-PhD.
I may not know what I'm doing or where I'm going with it all but I'm making new contacts (maybe even, shock horror new friends too) and I'm developing skills, broadening my work and figuring it out for myself instead of being told which path to take.
Monday, August 17, 2015
Post-PhD-Comedown
In a Twitter discussion (where much of my PhD related ideas and wisdom come from) I referred to 'The Post PhD Comedown' (Capitals needed) which was in fact exactly the phrase I've been searching for lately.
The thing with the PhD is that there's not a really certain end point. It's always a 'Yes but'. Yes you handed it in, but there's the viva, yes you did the Viva, but there's corrections, and waiting endless waiting. Even Graduation given we finish at odd points in the year isn't a natural progression.
Then there's the shift. The shift from the endless energy required to, well nothing. When doing a PhD there's always something that needs doing. Even in those moments after it's handed in, you could be studying for the Viva, or doing corrections, the list is endless. It's also full of adrenaline highs when it goes right, and crashes when it goes wrong. For me, juggling work as well it was an endless battle of time, head-space, and well time again. Always going always something to do.
There's also the endless job search. I started looking over a year before I actually finished. And obviously stepped up the search after everything was completed. Replacing the endless drive to do something PhD related to always doing something job search related. And the job search is both exhausting and with it a wave of adrenaline highs and lows. From the oh-theres-a-job-scramble-to-apply to the energy put into interview prep, and the crash when it's over. Anxiety of waiting, crash when you don't get it.
And when it's all over, what then?
I'm sure, while a lot (all) PhD students express relief when the thing is done (ha! relief doesn't begin to cover it) there's also a feeling of...emptiness. For me it's the same kind of feeling of losing something but not knowing quite what yet, or knowing you've forgotten to do something but again not sure what. To go from years of always having something to do, no matter what, to suddenly that thing being yanked from under you (however gratefully) is a really odd feeling. I don't miss the PhD as a thing, but I miss having the thing to do. I have to find new things to do. And that's good, and healthy but odd and scary.
And if you are lucky to find a job, but that job isn't an academic job (like me) there's a sense of losing purpose. I imagine, for those who go straight into an academic post, many things continue as they were. There's still research to be done and it still forms your 'day job' (even if the actual research is done at silly O'clock at night) it's part of your professional day to day as it has been across teh PhD. For those of us who don't take that path, that's suddenly no longer there. And even if in a way it's a blessed relief, it's still odd.
Since I officially, officially ended the PhD madness and started a new, full time 'proper' job (both around the same time as it happened) I have been relentless in my pursuit of 'the next thing'. In my personal case it is the dawning realization that both the job I am doing and academia are not for me long term, and also being on a fixed term contract (again) the ever reaching anxiety of what the next move will be.
And it paid off, to a degree. I started writing for a well respects online Arts website and have gotten excellent feedback, I wrote a blog that got over 2000 hits, I've written more words in the last 6 weeks than I have in academic work outside my PhD in over a year. And I put my PhD to some actual creative/real world use by doing two post-show talks in London and becoming a trustee of a theatre company. Not too shabby for 6 weeks work outside work. But it doesn't feel like enough.
On one hand it's the sheer lack of anything constantly pressing to be done. The going to a place of work, doing the work and the coming home. Which on one hand after years of juggling and endless work is wonderful but on the other feels incredibly empty. A question of is this it then?
Because I'm used to going at 100 mph at everything, struggling to fit things in and always pushing for the next bit, the next stage to be over. Because I'm used to juggling the PhD with work, and conferences and trying to get published, none of this feels enough. But because always in a PhD and in academia there's always something else to be striving for, something else to be pushing for. And you're always not quite good enough.
That last one is quite important. I think the combination of a drama school Masters and a PhD have instilled that one core belief into me more than anything: you are never good enough. There is always someone working harder.
It's also because in taking a step back, and trying to step away from academia I'm wondering what I'm doing. Because I've already 'stopped' to a degree and taken a job that isn't academic (though still within the walls of academia) it all feels a bit 'so what was all that for then?' and a bit more like 'Well that was a waste of time then'
The end of the PhD for me feels like a massive deflation. It feels like a 'What was that all for?' and 'Where do I go from here' it feels like I'm constantly not doing enough and it feels like it was all for nothing, because post-PhD life feels like it has just...stopped.
I want to move away from the PhD, I want to frankly run pretty damn far away from academia. But I've been conditioned to work and think in a certain way. I'm re-training my brain, re-directing my energies and putting everything I have into finding my new path. But it's a frustratingly slow one as ever, and its disappointing having spent years carving out one path with a PhD to now need to form a new one.
But this is not a negative post. It's a reflective one certainly. I'm feeling many things about the end of the PhD. And I've certainly been pretty down about the whole thing, and my new (temporary) job. None if it is the final destination* I know, and perhaps before the next 'big thing' happens, we all need a bit of a break to pick up the pieces ready to move on. And change takes time. But for me the post-PhD moment, when the dust settles is a frustrating one for now.
As ever, a suitable Musical Theatre metaphor, it's all a bit 'Another Suitcase in Another Hall'
*not like the film, it's not that grim a blog.
The thing with the PhD is that there's not a really certain end point. It's always a 'Yes but'. Yes you handed it in, but there's the viva, yes you did the Viva, but there's corrections, and waiting endless waiting. Even Graduation given we finish at odd points in the year isn't a natural progression.
Then there's the shift. The shift from the endless energy required to, well nothing. When doing a PhD there's always something that needs doing. Even in those moments after it's handed in, you could be studying for the Viva, or doing corrections, the list is endless. It's also full of adrenaline highs when it goes right, and crashes when it goes wrong. For me, juggling work as well it was an endless battle of time, head-space, and well time again. Always going always something to do.
There's also the endless job search. I started looking over a year before I actually finished. And obviously stepped up the search after everything was completed. Replacing the endless drive to do something PhD related to always doing something job search related. And the job search is both exhausting and with it a wave of adrenaline highs and lows. From the oh-theres-a-job-scramble-to-apply to the energy put into interview prep, and the crash when it's over. Anxiety of waiting, crash when you don't get it.
And when it's all over, what then?
I'm sure, while a lot (all) PhD students express relief when the thing is done (ha! relief doesn't begin to cover it) there's also a feeling of...emptiness. For me it's the same kind of feeling of losing something but not knowing quite what yet, or knowing you've forgotten to do something but again not sure what. To go from years of always having something to do, no matter what, to suddenly that thing being yanked from under you (however gratefully) is a really odd feeling. I don't miss the PhD as a thing, but I miss having the thing to do. I have to find new things to do. And that's good, and healthy but odd and scary.
And if you are lucky to find a job, but that job isn't an academic job (like me) there's a sense of losing purpose. I imagine, for those who go straight into an academic post, many things continue as they were. There's still research to be done and it still forms your 'day job' (even if the actual research is done at silly O'clock at night) it's part of your professional day to day as it has been across teh PhD. For those of us who don't take that path, that's suddenly no longer there. And even if in a way it's a blessed relief, it's still odd.
Since I officially, officially ended the PhD madness and started a new, full time 'proper' job (both around the same time as it happened) I have been relentless in my pursuit of 'the next thing'. In my personal case it is the dawning realization that both the job I am doing and academia are not for me long term, and also being on a fixed term contract (again) the ever reaching anxiety of what the next move will be.
And it paid off, to a degree. I started writing for a well respects online Arts website and have gotten excellent feedback, I wrote a blog that got over 2000 hits, I've written more words in the last 6 weeks than I have in academic work outside my PhD in over a year. And I put my PhD to some actual creative/real world use by doing two post-show talks in London and becoming a trustee of a theatre company. Not too shabby for 6 weeks work outside work. But it doesn't feel like enough.
On one hand it's the sheer lack of anything constantly pressing to be done. The going to a place of work, doing the work and the coming home. Which on one hand after years of juggling and endless work is wonderful but on the other feels incredibly empty. A question of is this it then?
Because I'm used to going at 100 mph at everything, struggling to fit things in and always pushing for the next bit, the next stage to be over. Because I'm used to juggling the PhD with work, and conferences and trying to get published, none of this feels enough. But because always in a PhD and in academia there's always something else to be striving for, something else to be pushing for. And you're always not quite good enough.
That last one is quite important. I think the combination of a drama school Masters and a PhD have instilled that one core belief into me more than anything: you are never good enough. There is always someone working harder.
It's also because in taking a step back, and trying to step away from academia I'm wondering what I'm doing. Because I've already 'stopped' to a degree and taken a job that isn't academic (though still within the walls of academia) it all feels a bit 'so what was all that for then?' and a bit more like 'Well that was a waste of time then'
The end of the PhD for me feels like a massive deflation. It feels like a 'What was that all for?' and 'Where do I go from here' it feels like I'm constantly not doing enough and it feels like it was all for nothing, because post-PhD life feels like it has just...stopped.
I want to move away from the PhD, I want to frankly run pretty damn far away from academia. But I've been conditioned to work and think in a certain way. I'm re-training my brain, re-directing my energies and putting everything I have into finding my new path. But it's a frustratingly slow one as ever, and its disappointing having spent years carving out one path with a PhD to now need to form a new one.
But this is not a negative post. It's a reflective one certainly. I'm feeling many things about the end of the PhD. And I've certainly been pretty down about the whole thing, and my new (temporary) job. None if it is the final destination* I know, and perhaps before the next 'big thing' happens, we all need a bit of a break to pick up the pieces ready to move on. And change takes time. But for me the post-PhD moment, when the dust settles is a frustrating one for now.
As ever, a suitable Musical Theatre metaphor, it's all a bit 'Another Suitcase in Another Hall'
*not like the film, it's not that grim a blog.
Wednesday, August 5, 2015
Move on...or walking away from Academia.
I do love a Sondheim reference. And the lyrics are particularly apt today,
'The choice may have been mistaken, the choosing was not. You have to move on.'
This was not the PhD blog I intended to write this week (when is it ever I hear you cry) I was going to write an account of the fantastic experience I had lending my expertise (ahem) and getting involved a wonderful play related to my PhD. As is, (you'll get that if you read it, promise) that's going to be over on the theatre blog here:
What I am writing is related, bear with me while I get there...
Today I did a thing you should never do, I wrote a hasty, angry reply to a Facebook comment. I know, I know, I should know better. But sometimes the right thing is the wrong thing for multiple reasons. So I wrote an angry comment, then went to the gym angry (something I heartily recommend, though my legs may not tomorrow) And when I walked out of the gym I felt as if a weight had been lifted in more ways than one.
My angry comment had been to call an academic on their bullshit, something that had been bubbling for quite some time. This person may have (unfortunately) been an epicentere who pushed one button too many, but it's part of a larger personal and professional conflict I've felt for a long time.
Shore version; something was said that really did offend me and cut to the heart of the issues that have been bothering me in academia, and that make me finally finally say, it's ok to move on.
I am done. I am done with the High School level bitching. The 'freezing out' because you aren't into the right sort of thing, the thing the 'cool kids' are into. I'm done with the childish tweets and Facebook updates deliberately targeting the things they know people like, or passive aggressive comments on areas of research. I'm sick of 'friends' who exist only to endless bitch about other 'friends' and who stop talking when you refuse to engage. I'm done with being told I'm not good enough, or judged for giving up. Judged for a lack of monetary wealth and therefore privileged. I'm done with being judged for the job I've taken (had to take) I am done with having to have an "academic opinion" on everything. I'm done with proving my academic status as well as my nerd status. People who would shout about girls being accused of 'fake geek girl' doing the exact same thing. Personally I am done, I like my drama on the stage and I am walking away.
My personal reasons aside what I am so very, very tired of is the cult-like mentality of academia and the entitled nature of it. Firstly the cult-like mentality that a PhD, to full time academic position is the only desirable goal. And secondly within this that teaching is somehow a secondary activity.
I'll let you all into a secret as much as I am passionate about my PhD as something I wanted and needed to write. And of the associated good it might do, mainly outside academia (more on that later) what excited me? what got me up in the morning? was teaching. At Graduation, my students cheered for me so loudly and that, right there was the moment it was all worth it.
When teaching works it's like flying, it's also one of the most important things any of us can do formally or informally. What is more important than passing on information? To quote Alan Bennett:
"Pass the parcel. That's sometimes all you can do. Take it feel it, and pass it on. Not for me, not for you, but for someone, somewhere, one day. Pass it on boys"
And I passionately, wholly believe in that. However you do it in life, we can all pass the parcel. But if you are an academic you have a damn responsibility to do it. And you may say you are by writing, researching, but let's be blunt, who reads that if you don't teach it? Five people in your field? Who will probably be only doing so to say you're wrong or steal it
You have a moral obligation to teach what you research, to pass on the information that got you to the point where you were able to research, otherwise who is going to carry it on after you? it's a selfish narrow minded approach. And one that I see all too often.
I'm not talking about the 'Christ almighty my workload is so heavy I wish I didn't teach so much so I could research' issue. 100% you should and there is massive workload problem for academics in teaching positions. What I'm talking about is those who think that teaching is beneath them, that it is time 'wasted' or even worse their 'talent' wasted. And that makes me angry.
And heaven forbid anybody be a school teacher, or an educator outside of formal education. I assume for some those people rank just above service industry and admin folks (who work a damn cite harder than some academics I know and deserve more credit and pay than many the academic too)
Much of this harks back to the kind of entitled nature I talked about in this post:
Most of us from less privileged backgrounds don't think that there is one career and one alone that the world owes us, or one way to go about it. Again, don't misunderstand me, I admire passion, I admire 'I'm going to do some of this one way or another' What I don't admire is the insinuation that the world, and a very specific occupation owes you a living. What you do is find another way, another path, to do what you want. Even if that means not doing the thing you want to straight away.
And that way might well be outside of the hallowed academy. And for some of us, that might be the right path. The path where we will do more work, do better work. And some academics need to wake up and drop the attitude problem that somehow seeking work outside of academia is somehow a failure. Not all people with an engineering degree become engineers, not all Chemists work in a lab, people take their skills and use them elsewhere. And PhD's can do the same-and still be following their passion.
As I noted at the top I was lucky enough to be involved in a pretty fantastic play recently, delivering some talks. As a result I met some people from both theatre and HIV/AIDS charities (where my research is situated for those who don't know) who both valued my knowledge and could see a place in their industries for me. That won't happen tomorrow, it may not happen in ways I expect or even want at first, but it may happen, and if I do end up with a role there I will count myself as successful, not a failure for leaving the academy.
Because just talking about it, thinking about it, thinking about returning to the career in theatre I was chasing, or about working with charities I feel passionate about gets me excited, it motivates me, and it makes me think the PhD was worthwhile, because I'd be doing something with it. If I worked putting on plays that meant something, that were about the work, about theatre and creativity, to me it would mean something while drawing on my PhD. If I worked in education and theatre, or outreach in charities, I'd be drawing on those skills, I'd be doing something important and using what I'd learned. I'd be using my PhD (and skills) in the 'real world' I would in fact be 'passing the parcel' And I couldn't ask for any more than that.
And that's just me. For me it's education and creative work that gets me fired up, so that's where I'd locate my work. But it doesn't matter, it shouldn't matter to anybody but you.
And that's where I say a resounding fuck you to the academics with attitude. You are not better than me, or anybody else because you have a PhD. I admire any of us who managed to get to the end of a PhD. But we are not better. I could name you five people I met just this weekend taking my research 'out into the world' who are far 'better' far more 'important' in the work they do that is related to mine, I couldn't compete. I look around at my friends from teaching days and I bow down in admiration, my friends in disability support (I miss you all dearly by the way) you do important work, so important. Are any of these people passing judgement? no there're just getting on with their job.
Having a PhD doesn't mean the world owes you an academic career, and you are not superior to those who choose a career elsewhere. Having a PhD or what you do with it also shouldn't define you as a person. I'm probably losing a lot of "friends" today. And you know what that's ok. Those who look beyond what letters are before and after your name, those who look beyond where you earn a living and look at what you do with your life, those are the people making the most of what they do.
And so I'm walking away. In a manner of speaking. I continue to do my day job which yes happens to be in a University, which I've been heavily judged for taking as well as it isn't an academic post. And I will continue to cultivate work outside of that, through writing, through networking, volunteering and doing whatever I can.
Because this is not a world I want a part of. It has ground me down for too, too long. And while this may have been an incident of 'Mean Girls' the truth is I am miserable. This is not the life I want for myself. And there is so much more I want to do with my life. It's taken a long time, but it's a difficult leap to take having been indoctrinated for so long. But moving on finally feels right, I'm sad it's taken something like this to cement it in my mind, but it finally feels right.
As Sondheim says
'Anything you do let it come from you, then it will be true'
P.S Please, have some Jenna and Daniel singing the title song, it is rather perfect....
'The choice may have been mistaken, the choosing was not. You have to move on.'
This was not the PhD blog I intended to write this week (when is it ever I hear you cry) I was going to write an account of the fantastic experience I had lending my expertise (ahem) and getting involved a wonderful play related to my PhD. As is, (you'll get that if you read it, promise) that's going to be over on the theatre blog here:
What I am writing is related, bear with me while I get there...
Today I did a thing you should never do, I wrote a hasty, angry reply to a Facebook comment. I know, I know, I should know better. But sometimes the right thing is the wrong thing for multiple reasons. So I wrote an angry comment, then went to the gym angry (something I heartily recommend, though my legs may not tomorrow) And when I walked out of the gym I felt as if a weight had been lifted in more ways than one.
My angry comment had been to call an academic on their bullshit, something that had been bubbling for quite some time. This person may have (unfortunately) been an epicentere who pushed one button too many, but it's part of a larger personal and professional conflict I've felt for a long time.
Shore version; something was said that really did offend me and cut to the heart of the issues that have been bothering me in academia, and that make me finally finally say, it's ok to move on.
I am done. I am done with the High School level bitching. The 'freezing out' because you aren't into the right sort of thing, the thing the 'cool kids' are into. I'm done with the childish tweets and Facebook updates deliberately targeting the things they know people like, or passive aggressive comments on areas of research. I'm sick of 'friends' who exist only to endless bitch about other 'friends' and who stop talking when you refuse to engage. I'm done with being told I'm not good enough, or judged for giving up. Judged for a lack of monetary wealth and therefore privileged. I'm done with being judged for the job I've taken (had to take) I am done with having to have an "academic opinion" on everything. I'm done with proving my academic status as well as my nerd status. People who would shout about girls being accused of 'fake geek girl' doing the exact same thing. Personally I am done, I like my drama on the stage and I am walking away.
My personal reasons aside what I am so very, very tired of is the cult-like mentality of academia and the entitled nature of it. Firstly the cult-like mentality that a PhD, to full time academic position is the only desirable goal. And secondly within this that teaching is somehow a secondary activity.
I'll let you all into a secret as much as I am passionate about my PhD as something I wanted and needed to write. And of the associated good it might do, mainly outside academia (more on that later) what excited me? what got me up in the morning? was teaching. At Graduation, my students cheered for me so loudly and that, right there was the moment it was all worth it.
When teaching works it's like flying, it's also one of the most important things any of us can do formally or informally. What is more important than passing on information? To quote Alan Bennett:
"Pass the parcel. That's sometimes all you can do. Take it feel it, and pass it on. Not for me, not for you, but for someone, somewhere, one day. Pass it on boys"
And I passionately, wholly believe in that. However you do it in life, we can all pass the parcel. But if you are an academic you have a damn responsibility to do it. And you may say you are by writing, researching, but let's be blunt, who reads that if you don't teach it? Five people in your field? Who will probably be only doing so to say you're wrong or steal it
You have a moral obligation to teach what you research, to pass on the information that got you to the point where you were able to research, otherwise who is going to carry it on after you? it's a selfish narrow minded approach. And one that I see all too often.
I'm not talking about the 'Christ almighty my workload is so heavy I wish I didn't teach so much so I could research' issue. 100% you should and there is massive workload problem for academics in teaching positions. What I'm talking about is those who think that teaching is beneath them, that it is time 'wasted' or even worse their 'talent' wasted. And that makes me angry.
And heaven forbid anybody be a school teacher, or an educator outside of formal education. I assume for some those people rank just above service industry and admin folks (who work a damn cite harder than some academics I know and deserve more credit and pay than many the academic too)
Much of this harks back to the kind of entitled nature I talked about in this post:
Most of us from less privileged backgrounds don't think that there is one career and one alone that the world owes us, or one way to go about it. Again, don't misunderstand me, I admire passion, I admire 'I'm going to do some of this one way or another' What I don't admire is the insinuation that the world, and a very specific occupation owes you a living. What you do is find another way, another path, to do what you want. Even if that means not doing the thing you want to straight away.
And that way might well be outside of the hallowed academy. And for some of us, that might be the right path. The path where we will do more work, do better work. And some academics need to wake up and drop the attitude problem that somehow seeking work outside of academia is somehow a failure. Not all people with an engineering degree become engineers, not all Chemists work in a lab, people take their skills and use them elsewhere. And PhD's can do the same-and still be following their passion.
As I noted at the top I was lucky enough to be involved in a pretty fantastic play recently, delivering some talks. As a result I met some people from both theatre and HIV/AIDS charities (where my research is situated for those who don't know) who both valued my knowledge and could see a place in their industries for me. That won't happen tomorrow, it may not happen in ways I expect or even want at first, but it may happen, and if I do end up with a role there I will count myself as successful, not a failure for leaving the academy.
Because just talking about it, thinking about it, thinking about returning to the career in theatre I was chasing, or about working with charities I feel passionate about gets me excited, it motivates me, and it makes me think the PhD was worthwhile, because I'd be doing something with it. If I worked putting on plays that meant something, that were about the work, about theatre and creativity, to me it would mean something while drawing on my PhD. If I worked in education and theatre, or outreach in charities, I'd be drawing on those skills, I'd be doing something important and using what I'd learned. I'd be using my PhD (and skills) in the 'real world' I would in fact be 'passing the parcel' And I couldn't ask for any more than that.
And that's just me. For me it's education and creative work that gets me fired up, so that's where I'd locate my work. But it doesn't matter, it shouldn't matter to anybody but you.
And that's where I say a resounding fuck you to the academics with attitude. You are not better than me, or anybody else because you have a PhD. I admire any of us who managed to get to the end of a PhD. But we are not better. I could name you five people I met just this weekend taking my research 'out into the world' who are far 'better' far more 'important' in the work they do that is related to mine, I couldn't compete. I look around at my friends from teaching days and I bow down in admiration, my friends in disability support (I miss you all dearly by the way) you do important work, so important. Are any of these people passing judgement? no there're just getting on with their job.
Having a PhD doesn't mean the world owes you an academic career, and you are not superior to those who choose a career elsewhere. Having a PhD or what you do with it also shouldn't define you as a person. I'm probably losing a lot of "friends" today. And you know what that's ok. Those who look beyond what letters are before and after your name, those who look beyond where you earn a living and look at what you do with your life, those are the people making the most of what they do.
And so I'm walking away. In a manner of speaking. I continue to do my day job which yes happens to be in a University, which I've been heavily judged for taking as well as it isn't an academic post. And I will continue to cultivate work outside of that, through writing, through networking, volunteering and doing whatever I can.
Because this is not a world I want a part of. It has ground me down for too, too long. And while this may have been an incident of 'Mean Girls' the truth is I am miserable. This is not the life I want for myself. And there is so much more I want to do with my life. It's taken a long time, but it's a difficult leap to take having been indoctrinated for so long. But moving on finally feels right, I'm sad it's taken something like this to cement it in my mind, but it finally feels right.
As Sondheim says
'Anything you do let it come from you, then it will be true'
P.S Please, have some Jenna and Daniel singing the title song, it is rather perfect....
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