To Dr or not to Dr

To Dr or not to Dr that is the question. Well it's this week's question.

Just over a week ago I had an article published on a magazine site. The editorial team chose to credit me as 'Dr Emily Garside'. It wasn't a request from me, but entirely a decision from their end. I noticed, reasoned they had in their wisdom decided it was appropriate to use my name and title and thought nothing of it. Then I got a disgruntled message on twitter.

Now a disgruntled message on twitter isn't unusual, in response to an article or even simply an opinion expressed, twitter is a medium that lends itself to complaining. Now let me be clear that this individual was not a troll, was not at any moment impolite and even was discreet enough to keep the entire conversation to direct message. But what they raised I couldn't entirely agree with, and has given me food for thought.

They disagreed with the use of 'Dr' in the credit. Note again, this wasn't my call. But I was called pretentious for including it there and in my twitter handle.

So am I pretentious for using my title? or should I insist upon it given how hard I worked for it?

I admit to sometimes feeling a little embarrassed about it. When giving some post show talks at a theatre this summer, my embarrassment became (and still is) a bit of a joke between myself and the director I worked with. It's not I don't think I deserve to be referred to as Dr G, I just think sometimes it sounds a bit odd. Sometimes it even feels like people are mocking me when they use it. Or worse they mock me when I do.

What are the times when I insist upon it then? well few actually. I tick the box on forms, because well, it's my title and it also avoids the minefield of Mrs, Miss or Ms.

I use it in work too-in email signatures mainly. I work in an alt-ac position (that's a position within academia/universities that isn't academic in nature) and firstly, it's the norm in my institution to use a title in email signatures. Secondly lets' just say occasionally academics need reminding that their 'support staff' are on an equal footing in terms of professional qualifications.

Likewise in seeking employment, I use my title. Why? well in that instance I'm trying to impress people. And without putting that title in there's a big old employment gap where my PhD is. So I show it off. Which occasionally also bites me in the arse when people see it as a marker of snobbery or over-qualified status.

So the conclusion we come to here is yes I do use my title in a professional context. Why? because it's a professional qualification. It's not like I go around asking my friends to address me as Doctor G. Although some do, mainly to take the piss when I'm being stupid.

I use it on twitter for professional reasons-I want people googling me to know I'm the same person as my linkedIn or Academia.Edu page. There's also a thriving academic community on twitter I'm part of, so again it seems the norm.

But why then do I sometimes feel embarrassed? why do I feel that people think exactly like the person who challenged me and think I'm being a pretentious wanker by using my hard-earned title Dr?

A friend raised a valid point that nobody would ever accuse a married woman of 'showing off' by using Mrs. Why then should I be embarrassed or worse made to feel embarrassed by the use of Dr?

I conclude this in the same way that I did with my twitter adversary above. I ask, would a man be a) embarrassed in the same way and b) would a man even be challenged in the same way?

Probably not is my conclusion.

I'm not going to go around demanding to be addressed by my proper title. Rarely would I correct anyone who called me 'Ms or Miss'. In many circumstances no it isn't relevant and will never come up. But I'm also not going to hide it either. I'm going to tick the box on the form, if asked I'll say Dr, and I'm damn well not taking it off my twitter handle either.

Overqualified and Qualified for nothing- curse of the PhD?

One of the phrases that makes my blood boil is 'overqualified'. Surely there should be no such thing? because all skills are transferable, and in a culture where often we're expected to both have 10 years experience for 5 years experience salary and/or expected to have experience in order to get experience, this all seems a futile distinction.

Recently at an event with Research Development staff, several confirmed what many of us PhD's have lost suspected: they won't employ PhDs in non-academic roles. And yet they get many applications. dismissing PhDs as 'not interested really, just wanting to keep a foot in the door' may well be true for some, but many PhDs do seek what we'd call 'alt-ac' careers (alternative academic careers-still within the sector but not in traditional academic roles) Many for practical reasons-a lack of academic jobs-others because they want to. Some are lucky enough to get more senior roles straight away where the PhD level skill is appreciated, but what of the others, or those with no previous employment experience (having gone straight through education to the PhD) they are perfect for the lower grade jobs, gaining the day to day skills they missed on the way to the PhD but still making use of the specialist skills from the PhD.

The same should apply outside academia. Just because I have a high-level degree doesn't make me over-qualified for the job.

BUT on the flip side spending 4 years doing a PhD doesn't mean 4 years where I wasn't gaining employment skills.

To me these are the two key elements for PhDs looking elsewhere for work. Firstly we're great at being 'bottom of the pile' and 'learning our trade' if we're applying for a job in  a new sector we will learn from the bottom up, and we may even do it a bit faster, with a bit more creative flair from our higher degree.

But at the same time, don't ignore the transferable skills we have from the PhD. Those 4 years aren't 'time out' they're time gathering a new set of skills and developing existing ones. They're time working independently and part of a team (don't tell me that isn't on your recruitment specifications) it's time doing highly focused, highly detailed work. It's time networking until it kills us, it's time spent balancing the most high-strung of personalities (frankly if we can wrangle students and professors equally well, we can do anything a company throws at us). It's time writing, developing, adapting, re-drafting and honing writing skills for many audiences at once. These just off the top of my head are things I've read countless times on application forms. So why then just because this skill comes from a PhD would you discount this?

And that goes for us as applicants too. The PhD is not an employment gap, it's a career development. And we all need to shift our perceptions on that front.

Our PhDs teach us to look at things in a new way. How about we all start looking at employment outside a PhD differently?

And employers? If we've left academia, and we get a job we like, we're loyal fiercely so, and grateful for the opportunity. 

2015? 2016?

So the last post was more of a negative reflection on what has been, frankly a pretty rubbish year in many respects.

So I decided to list the things I have achieved this year (who doesn't love a list right?) and some aims for the next year. It's also part of my determination to stop viewing the world in terms of academic year, and get back to calander years like the real people do.

1. I finished, like properly finsihed the PhD.

To be honest I'm going to claim this one for about the next 5 years. To finally, finally get all the corrections in, signed off, and submit the damn thing for the final time is still an achievement. And one I'm happy to be leaving far behind me.

2. Got a job.

3. Survived 6 months in the job.
This is factual information. Interpret the wording as you will.

4. Got to fulfil a dream in giving a post-show theatre talk (no really, as a usher who sat through too many a post-show talk I always wanted to give one, and I gave 2) in London, in the West End, for a show I adore, using my PhD. This is actually possibly my favourite thing this year.

5. Got taken on as a reviewer by Wales Arts Review. And at the end of the year by Buzz magazine too.

6. As a result of 5. actually got invited to shows to review. And got great feedback from all sorts of people/areas about my writing.

7. Started to make contacts in my local theatre community again, and started to feel like there was a possablity of being part of that community as well.

8. Presented a paper based on my PhD at a conference that was actually talior made to my PhD topic.

9. Got to take my Mum on holiday to New York as a thank you for supporting me through the previous 4 years.

10. Became a board member of a theatre company that I'm passionate about.

11. Wrote lots (but not enough)

12.  Flawlessly learned the rap from 'Satisfied' in Hamilton. This may be my greatest achievment this year. I'm not kidding.


I did a lot of great things in 2015:

1. Went to New York with my Mum. It was good to be 'home' again. And to have an actual holiday.
2. Went to London, a lot, spent a lot of time with great people.
3. Went to Downton Abbey (Highclare Castle) it's nerdy but it makes me happy.
4. Got to go to the theatre a lot, got to see a lot of things I wouldn't see through reviewing.
5. Got to have a social life again after 4 years of not.

Things that I learned this year:

1. Academia is not for me, and that's ok.
2. Everything takes time. It's painful, and slow and a pain in the arse but it takes time.
3. The right people, the people that matter will appreciate your work if yo make it good enough.
4. It's still worth it to chase after what you love.
5. You don't need many real friends, but they're the ones that matter.

Favourite things from this year:

1. Awkward rapping in my car to the Hamilton cast recording. General return of my musical theatre nerdiness.
2. The X Files being (almost back) and Gillian Anderson just in general (ok and David)
3. All the wonderful theatre. I can't choose, but here's my 2015 review blog here
4. All the wonderful nerdy tv shows and falling down the nerdy rabbit holes associated with them (Hannibal, Supernatural I'm looking at you)
5. My Nespresso machine. Really, it's an intense relationship.
6. Running. Who knew right?

Things I would like from 2016:
(Rather than resolutions, I'm calling this a wish list)

1. A job that I can really throw my mind and heart behind.
2. Make some more use of the damn PhD.
3. Write a new play. Convince someone to perform it.
4. Run more. Join in races of some kind.
5. Spend time with the people who matter, forget the ones who don't.
6. Go on a date. An actual real person date. (I'm not being as sweeping to say anything about relationships here, I'd frankly settle for a damn date)
7. Travel more. Starting with Portugal in January (hooray head start there)
8. Change my hair. (Blonde? longer? any advice?)
9. Find one new hobby. It's time to mix things up now I have lesiure time again.
10. Say yes to more things. (just not drugs, kids, always say no to drugs)

Post PhD 12 months on....

Back in November it was the first anniversary of my viva. I wanted to write a refection of things a year on, but really struggled to articulate anything coherent on the subject.

In part this is because actually the viva isn't the end, and actually with corrections and everything else it actually didn't really feel like it was over, over until my graduation the following July. As that July also coincided roughly with the start of my first "real" post PhD job that's when things felt like they moved into the next chapter.

Or did they? it's hard to tell. Truth be told I feel like I'm still waiting for a 'real' post-PhD life to begin. And I think that has to do with not being where I want to be, and struggling to figure that out.

And the truth of the matter is for the last 6 months I've been the most unhappy I've ever been in my life. I've tried and tried to put a positive spin on it. But when I've found myself in tears several times a week, incredibly unhappy in my job and trying to come to terms with my failure as an academic while figuring out what on earth I'm supposed to do next, it's pretty hard to find a silver lining.

And after 4 years of fighting so hard to finish the PhD, I honestly don't have any fight left.

The other thing I've found is that people are all to quick to tell you what you're doing wrong: not publishing enough, taking the wrong job (despite pressuring you in the first place to take the job, any job that keeps an tiny foothold in the hallowed ivory tower) where you should be looking for a job (academic of course, no other options exist) how you should be using every second of this job (and your spare time) otherwise you'll never get another job. Etc. Etc.

Nobody within academia ever stops you to ask what you want to do.

What I do know is that where I want to be is not in academia. Which is tough when currently in a University job (non academic, as many are quick to remind me)

I also want to say one very important thing:

I am a failed academic.

And follow it up with something equally important:

And that's ok.

Academia is very quick to fail people in every sense of the word. Academia is quick not to support people, to at best neglect them, at worst sabotage them so that they fail. What academia and academics don't like is letting people go who've failed. There's a mentality that you're not allowed to walk away, even when people are telling you that you're not worth the oxygen on campus, but somehow you should still want to hang on to the bitter end. That's not for me. I prefer to know when I'm beaten and walk away, find something that not only I might be good at but that I might be happy in.

But it's not an easy move to make. From within these voices tell you that you're wrong to want to leave (while simultaneously complaining about academia I might add) Add to this the voices from outside asking "Well you've done all this studying, what are you going to do with it?" as well as the employers who simultanously see you as over qualified and under qualified.

It's so tempting just to keep on the treadmill, to keep poking at acadmemic jobs because at least on paper it looks like I'm qualifed, and at least I can console myself with just how bad the job market is, as to why I don't get anywhere.

But getting out is hard. Finding a way to use your skills and an employer willing to consider those skills is one thing. But so is re-training a brain that's been conditioned to think that only one way lays success.

So yes I've done a lot of crying over the last 6 months-more than all of my PhD I'd be willing to bet. But I've also done a lot of work. I've done my best to network, I've taken on projects and written like I'm running out of time. I've read a lot about how to sell my skills elsewhere, how to adapt to being someone 'with a PhD' that someone somewhere might want.

I don't think I'm asking for miracles. I'm a bloody hard worker-I've worked since I was 15 and taken any and every job I could get my hands on to earn a living and gain skills-I've done every customer service job going, I've done every crappy office job going, and I've taught and taught. All I want is a job that engages my brain and lets me feel useful.

If I'm making a wish list I want a job that has the following:

1. Writing.
2. Not a 9-5 office job.
3. Some form of 'teaching' involved.
4. Using research skills.
5. Working with people outside of the organisation.

Some combination of the above. I'm not built for a 9-5, and I do well working in a teaching/public facing position-if I solely only work with the same people I want to staple things to them. I'm good at talking, engaging and generally working with people.

In an ideal world I'd write and nothing else. But until I can have a dream job I'm more than happy to do anything-always have been. I just don't want to cry on the way home every day.


*a note, should anyone read this with malicous intent: my current job is a fixed term contract to June. 6 months is a reasonable time-frame to be laying groundwork for a career change which is what this post represents. My unhappiness in my current position has been discussed frankly with my current managers therefore this post also includes nothing not already known to them.

World AIDS Day: Ending the Stigma

Whenever I tell people I wrote my PhD on 'theatre about AIDS' they at best ask me "Why?" with an air of confusion, at worst ask me "Why?" with an air of revulsion.

That, right there is the answer to the question of 'why'.

In a more detailed answer, we never ask people why they support other causes indeed we almost expect it with other illness related charities-try not donating to an office bake sale for Breast Cancer and you'll get odd looks. People don't expect you to have had Breast Cancer or other cancers even to donate to a cancer charity. Likewise when the Ice Bucket challenge took off, those who actually had direct experience of Motor Neurone Disease were a tiny minority, and still nobody asked 'but why?'. Outside of illness related charities we don't ask 'why' when we donate, you don't have to have been homeless to feel empathy and sympathy for someone who is, or to want to help prevent it happening. Likewise with political causes, those standing up for refugees are not refugees themselves, neither do most of them know any refugees. The answer to 'why' is because I'm human, because I care.

Admittedly my investment and campaigning on the subject of HIV/AIDS has been more than most. And in honest, answer to the question 'why?' when asked in a sincere way is, 'I don't know'. Why does any cause compel us to action? I recently heard AIDS activist Sarah Schulman speak and she recounted people joining ACT UP (the activist group formed in America to lobby the government for research and treatment) who seemingly had no connection to anyone affected. In the first instance she talked about feeling that these people must in some way have lost someone, know someone with AIDS. But actually in some cases it was as simple as seeing a television report and wanting to help. It's a similar story for me, I had no particular attachment or experience of AIDS but found myself in the sense of my research intrigued to write about how people responded through art, and in a personal sense to therefore continue to raise awareness and campaign for associated causes.

For me the motivation came from the sense of injustice that an illness is so stigmatised. And this in 2015 is actually the biggest issue in confronting HIV/AIDS. We saw only recently the press witch hunt for the 'mystery celebrity' with HIV, and following that the bile and judgement directed at Charlie Sheen. The fact that anyone should be forced to 'reveal' their illness is a repugnant one, and that someone should be judged and blamed for an illness is equally disgusting. The headlines and the comments of both professional "journalists" and the general public made it feel like the early 80s again, with the amount of ignorance and judgement towards people with HIV.

What Charlie Sheen did do however was open up the discussion again. It allowed those who are knowledgeable either through profession as Doctors, nurses and others working to support those with HIV, and those with personal experience living with the condition, to speak out and try to educate. So if all the bile and misinformation a couple of weeks ago led to conversations, education and maybe a few minds changed then something good came of it.

But it's not enough. This world AIDS day, while we still remember all those who have been lost, we also look to end the stigma and move things forward.

For World AIDS Day we need to encourage people to get tested, help those diagnosed to get the right treatment and support. And around all that for the rest of us, we need to end the stigma. Talk about HIV, talk about getting tested, talk to people with HIV. And educate those who make ignorant comments. The way to move forward with HIV is to talk about HIV.


For anyone looking for further information about HIV including advice on testing the Terrance Higgins trust can help: http://www.tht.org.uk

Smuggling Satsumas in a handbag (Post PhD financial hangover)

Being a PhD student, particularly a self funded one, or one later in life I stills certain values of thrift and certain fear of running out of money.

This was brought home to me last week in a couple of ways. I'm making a steady wage now and a decent one, but it is fixed term. And a pathological fear of spending money continues. The trouble is after 4 years of existing on next to nothing, or a continually fluctuating wage,  there's a lot of stuff, sometimes quite big stuff that I need to buy now that I have money. Or 'while' I have money as I'm now conditioned to think of it. 

This means I'm stuck in the troubling impasse of wanting/needing to use this new income to replace or purchase everything I haven't been able to for the past 4 years...and a crippling fear of it suddenly disappearing. For example I was lacking in both office clothes and well decent clothes in general having been on a severe budget and/or at the mercy of gifts form 4 years. So a lot of the first couple of pay checks went on clothes. None of which were expensive (I'm a supermarket and M&S outlet kind of girl!) but of course add up. I did treat myself a little bit, buying clothes and/or books and other things a didn't so much need as want, but after years of not being able to "want" it felt incredibly indulgent, and when adding it up (still not to tallying much in the scheme of things) I felt guilty.

Then comes the fear of it all being taken away again. Being on a fixed term contract this is a very real fear, but having existed on zero hours contracts for years in which there can be months without income I have a fear of allowing too much money to leave my account at once, because often one months income had to last three. So even though I know that even if I spend a lot this month the same amount will appear again next, it doesn't quite sink in. The idea of making a long term commitment to outgoings like a new phone contract leave me stressed, as do any major purchases or upcoming expensive events.

So while I know I had the money to pay for a holiday and indeed pay for Mum as well (the first in nearly 5 years in fact) I felt horribly guilty about spending money on something like that. I've also um'd and ah'd over a new car which I do need (in part so Mum can have my old one to replace the one that we've had since I was in school) but again despite being able to afford it (or at least having the facility to pay off the credit card bill) 
The side effects aren't just in terms of my own larger outgoings but my general attitude to spending money. I'm one of the few people in my office who brings their own lunch 90% of the time because I'm not used to having an option not to, and spending what £5 a day? That's £25 a week that's £250 a month. If I find myself buying too many coffees or bottles of water I chide myself. I also instinctively gravitate towards the cheapest food outlets when I do buy lunch- I love Pret, but Boots or Tesco meal deal is half the price...

This week I went on a training course, for which I had to feed myself out and about for a day and a half. While other delegates dined in the hotel restaurant, I went to the food court of the shopping centre. Stopping at the supermarket for a few top up supplies I knew that the warm bottles of water in the drink aisle are cheaper than those with the sandwiches and that it's cheaper to buy the standard bags of fruit rather than individual. And this is also why I'm carrying 3 apples and 5 satsumas in my backpack from Leeds. Its not just the PhD student in me, as Lorde said "we don't come from money" but also 4 years of making 1 months pay stretch to 3 across the summer or trading off new clothes for needed books will do that to you.

This is far from a PhD student problem-it's a people on zero hours contract problem, it's a minimum wage job problem. It's an hourly paid lecturer problem. And I'm well aware there are people far worse off than I ever was. What I'm getting at here is a particular mentality that's at odds with many of those around you as a PhD student. I remember vividly the first (and only!) department Christmas meal I and another PhD student went to. When the time came to split the bill at the expensive gastro pub we'd found ourselves in...well let's just say we were handing over more than a day's wages (that were about to stop for a month due to the Christmas break) for a lot of wine that we didn't drink...when everyone else around you is on £35k plus and you're struggling to hit £10k the gap becomes startling. 

So back in the day when Universities could afford biscuits in meetings that's why you'll find PhD students stealing the leftovers (and the tea bags)...Also when the training day has not just a lunch buffet but a proper meal included...well that's just Christmas. I'd have paid to see a hoard of PhD students let loose on that.

Post-PhD chat: Sometimes the wrong way is right

Hello, I thought I'd start posting a few 'post-PhD' blogs, under the heading of 'Post-PhD Chat' to cover a few bits and bobs that only really crop up in the aftermath.

And my first musing is about how, as with much of the PhD so many people have ideas about the 'right way' to do things post-PhD. And as with much of the PhD, many people are frankly full of crap. That's not to say there isn't good advice, or people who mean well, but you have to find your own way.

Case in point, recently I was offered some teaching work and for reasons that are neither interesting or in my control it now turns out I can't do it. And you know what? I'm relieved. On being offered what was in honesty some very nice teaching work, my first instinct was 'Yes, yes 110% yes'  This instinct is partly years and years of zero hours contracts that mean you take anything and everything that's offered. And partly the PhD/Academic mentality that you can't say no. Well actually you can.

Now as it happens it didn't work out-nobody's fault just one of those logistical things. BUT I was relieved, and I'd considered turning it down, and it was only PhD/Academic guilt that kept me from doing it outright.

Now I love teaching. As I've addressed elsewhere it's the teaching I love in academia, and I love teaching in any context. But in this particular context it was a challenging seminar to run on top of my full time job and a plethora of what me might call 'extra curricular' activities (I'll get back to that) And frankly there's only so many hours in a day. And I've just finished a PhD, and I'm only just remembering what it's like to not work 12-14 hour days 6 days a week. To be frank I am exhausted still, months on. Because it takes time to recover and shift gears.

There's also the pressure to immediately publish, produce conference papers and generally be a PhD machine once more. Again I've majorly taken my foot off the gas on this one. Currently I have one book chapter in progress for the end of the year, one review to write and I'm idly (very idly) considering how to publish bits of the thesis. And yes, my uncertainty about academic future is a component in this, was I set on an academic job I might be more pro-active in that, but then again who knows. I do know that the one chapter I've written is better than anything I was writing previously, so maybe doing less better is not a bad way to be. I don't know, there's no right way.

What I have been doing is ploughing a whole lot of energy into a whole lot of other projects. And (say this quietly) I feel a lot more fulfilled by these than anything I was doing academically. I gave post-show talks for a play in London, I've started writing for Wales Arts Review and a few other places, and honestly I get more satisfaction from that than churning out meaningless (to me) academic essays. I've recently got involved in another theatre production, I've been invited to give a couple of talks at Universities. And I'm even slowly getting back to my own writing (well staring at things, but it's a start) All in all I'm doing things I have a passion for and that get me excited.

Now many an academic will shake their head sadly and say I've already shot myself in the foot. That I'm doing it all wrong. And I say you know what, I don't care. I'd got to a point where academia and trying to get a foot in that door, of a room I wasn't even sure I wanted to be in, had made me miserable.

And we need to get it out of our heads that there's only one right way. Even if I did decide that academia is the path for me, I've still got a foothold (my actual job for a start is academic related, within my chosen field just not a pure 'academic' job, but that's another set of snobbery from the academic brigade for you) And I am still publishing what I have in process, and I may do more. I'm just not killing myself to do it. And maybe if my heart was set on it I'd feel differently, and maybe it's a sign it's not. But either way what none of us needs is the braying mobs of academia telling us we're doing it wrong and our careers are over before they've begun. So take a step back, take a breath. Pause before leaping in blindly because it's what we're supposed to do post-PhD.

I may not know what I'm doing or where I'm going with it all but I'm making new contacts (maybe even, shock horror new friends too) and I'm developing skills, broadening my work and figuring it out for myself instead of being told which path to take.