Read throughs and starting again.

This week is a story of two read throughs. Or rather one read through and a not read through.

Because sometimes in life (and writing) things go right and sometimes they go wrong (in order to go right). So I should have, had things gone to plan one read through of one play on Thursday, and another on Monday.

Instead I had one read through, a lot of angst (and tears, it's me). And a throw-it-all-out-start-again instead of a read through.

The latter was hard. And I exaggerate slightly. It's not so much throwing it all out, so much as building it again from the ground up. And it's the right call. It came from me saying 'I can't make what we need out of this.' most importantly it came from being honest and saying 'This is not the play I would have written' So I'm taking the bits I would have, and rebuilding the play I would have written, in the way I want to.

And it's a disappointment, and a frustration. To fail at reaching a milestone, or to feel like you've failed because the work isn't what you want it to be. But it'll work out. I've said elsewhere about my book project, I'd rather do it slowly, and do it right. So this is me, doing it right. (and trying to block out the utter ball ache of once again re-jiging my schedule for the rest of the year, and the screams of panic at pushing other things back again).

One final note, last week's blog talked about healing from the PhD. And no, it turns out I'm not quite there. Feeling like any of these things can be taken away at any moment, however irrational, and however much other people feel you're a fool, is very much still there.

Luckily this week was balanced. And really, getting one read through of a play in a given week is incredible, and I shouldn't feel let down that another didn't happen. I'm also, amid all that frustration, grateful for how wonderful an experience the read through was. Just when I needed a reassurance that I might, might be good at this stuff.

The read through was for my play 'Don't Send Flowers' (and not the title still printed on the copies, because I am a lazy, lazy written. But also shout out to the actor who got the reference for the original title). It was the first time in many, many years I've heard that play aloud.

Because this is a a play that has been in and out of drawers (ooh matron!) more than, well possibly than one of the characters (filthy man-whore that he is....I love him). And it's been that long, that I was honestly doubting myself, and what I'd written. It had also, naturally been rejected several times from several places.

That the reading ended with my wonderful director saying 'Seriously you underestimate this' made those fears and doubts worthwhile. What also made it worthwhile was a group of actors who immediately got it. They got the extremely dry, dark sense of humour (as well as obviously a fair few childish jokes). They got the heart of it under that humour.  And they did it all in a spirit of support, of helping us as a team make it better.

And I'm so excited to make it better. There's something in knowing it's 'good enough' as it stands, that makes you want to make it even better. To have actors tell you how moved they were, how engaged they were by the writing. Makes me only want to make it more so. And to have the actor reading the central role tell me how rounded a female character she was, and how exciting that was....maybe just maybe there's something in this.

And so it's back to writing. My head is a bit crowded right now. Both these plays are at stages of re-writing. And a new projects, and team of characters just snuck in this week too. But it's exciting.

I may have had to throw one play out and start again, but in doing so I've found my voice in it again. And in hearing my voice so strongly in another, and knowing I can make that one really something great (I mean hopefully, let's not get too cocky). It's exciting again. Despite the fear, despite yes a sense of disappointment and failure there's a drive and excitement to all that.

Time to get (re) writing.