Being Bisexual means getting rejected by everyone

Last month I wrote this for Bisexual Visibility Day. I decided not to publish it. For various reasons. But as bisexuals come out twice as often as anyone (joke, see what I did there) publishing on National Coming Out Day seems just as significant.


Earlier this week I thought I’d missed Bisexual Visibility Day. Which in itself is something telling.

On one hand it’s a fun skill. Stealth. Like a Superhero. And it’s a well-known fact bisexuals like a striking outfit. Something in lycra usually.

A note on semantics: I used bisexual as it’s the term I grew up with/into and feel most comfortable with. I used it interchangeably with Pansexual. All to say, my personal attraction is inclusive of all gender identities, and how anyone chooses to express that identity. (Basically, if you hot, or funny or both I am into you).

So why do we have to visible? Well on one hand the same reason the rest of the LGBTQ+ community needs to- the wider world is rife with homophobia still, and as bisexuals we still experience that. Bisexuals also tend to disappear- depending on who we’re in a relationship with. If we’re in a same-sex relationship, we’re gay, if we’re in a heterosexual relationship we’re straight. Apparently our own identity isn’t up to us, but for external factors to decide. But also sadly because despite being the B in LGBTQ+ we get at best ignored, at worst told we don’t belong by our own community.

So that’s why we need to be visible. To have a day where we wave a flag (Queers of all kinds like a flag, let’s face it). And to tell our stories.  

I was also lucky that I grew up and came of age in an era before all pervasive social media. As much as the resources of the internet and the ability to find a bisexual community would have been nice, I spent about 10 blissful years unaware that even the LGBTQ+ community questioned whether I belonged.  At 17 I heard Alan Cumming describe himself as bisexual, worked out what it meant and said, ‘I’ll have that’ and didn’t question it for many years.

But increasingly I heard the questions slip in ‘Are you SURE?’ ‘Are you gay and just pretending?’ ‘Are you pretending just to get guys attention?’ (trust me Bab, you don’t want that sort of guy’s attention). Really though I don’t stroll up to my straight female friends and ask them ‘Yeah but how do you KNOW you like dick?’ Why? Because that’s a dick move, and it’s rude. Heterosexuals predominantly don’t seem to get this. Meanwhile, the gays assume you’re on a stop over to their ‘side’ at best, at worst tell you that again, faking it for male attention. REALLY love, I wouldn’t put this effort in for a bloke, I’d get my straight mate to snog me in a club and job done and even then it’s a lot of effort to put in for at best a mediocre bloke...(if they’re impressed by lesbians, fake or otherwise, mediocre is a generous description)

Why is it seemed ok with bisexuals to accuse someone of lying about who they are? Or that it’s a ploy for attention? I can’t speak for other bisexuals, but attention to who I do or don’t want to sleep with/be in a relationship with isn’t the kind of attention I want. It’s nobody’s business but the person I’m doing those things with.

Ah, the person I’m doing those things with. Shall I let you in on a secret, the deep dark secret bisexuals have been keeping from you all this time?

Being bisexual doesn’t mean we’re having twice as much sex. It just means being rejected by twice as many people.

I know right? Shocker it’s not the sex-fest it’s made out to be. Not that I personally want it to be. Another shocker, people aren’t bisexual because they want to have a lot of sex with a lot of people. If you’re not hard-wired that way, you still won’t multiple genders or not (No judgement on those who are, you do you! Have fun, be safe).

As I hurtle further into my 30s, and contemplate, somewhat lazily at times admittedly, having a relationship of some kind, I realise bisexuality is a real barrier for many people.  I don’t know if it’s fear of the unknown, paranoia, or a lack of understanding. But aside from the lecherous comments that any woman learns to brush off in life, my sexuality is met with at best suspicion at worst outright rejection.

You never stop coming out. That’s the lesson any Queer person learns early in life. Yes, you have the big moment where you tell your parents, friends etc for the first time. But then you have to keep coming out, every new person you meet, every new job, club you join.

For straight up gays (see what I did there) that at least doesn’t include every new relationship, hell every date. But at some point, whether I attempt to date a woman or a man I have to ‘out’ myself as bisexual. And it’s a moment of dread, a moment of will they accept this, or will they run. Will they try and ‘fix’ me? Will they laugh at me? Will they suddenly ask inappropriate questions? Will they ask if I’ve got STIs? Will they ask if I’ve got HIV (yes this really happened, I have no idea why this makes me more inclined to have STIs than any straight person but hey ho).

Or worst-case scenario will it unleash some kind of homophobia? Because a lot of people forget bisexuals are subject to homophobia too. That we get a ‘pass’ if we’re in a relationship with a man isn’t good enough. We still hide our identities. We still risk the same attacks, the same judgement as other Queers if we’re visible. So, for all the years I kept quiet. All the years I changed an outfit for fear of looking ‘too gay’. For all the years I kept a shitty haircut because I was afraid short hair would mark me as too gay. Also fancying men, a bit didn’t save me from any of that.

And you end up explaining it feeling at best like some kind of mythical creature because they’ve ‘never met a real one’ (I know I’m as fabulous as a Unicorn but come on). Or see, above start telling you it isn’t real.

And because for some reason, being a 30 something single bisexual scares the shit out of potential dates. And I’m sick of having to come out on dating apps, or a fledgling friendship-could-be-date shutting down when they find out I’m a bit Queer.  I can’t count the number of online dating conversations that have either dwindled off when I dropped the ‘B’ word or turned creepy/lecherous. I can’t shut down the paranoia that a date I’ve been on ‘found out’ and decided it wasn’t for them. Or who once in a relationship said things like ‘yeah but you’re not any more are you because you’re with me’. So, you start leaving it off, wondering how long you can get away from it. If you can forever maybe.

And we shouldn’t have to hide. Not from straight people, and certainly not from our own community. Our identities shouldn’t be erased by the relationship we’re in. And we shouldn’t be cast on the reject pile based on something that is as beyond our control as eye colour or height. It should be as inconsequential a thing to list on a dating profile as a favourite film.

So, screw that. Here’s my new dating profile:

Bisexual. Looking for non-idiot.

That’s pretty much it. If you like dogs, great, if you like cake even better. Let’s take it from there….and then we’ll discuss past relationships like anyone else on a fourth date: by declaring what a dickhead they were and bonding over that, not interrogating what genitals they had.

I’m bisexual, I’m not stopping waving my flag (Queers love a flag), I’m not putting away my fabulous outfit (lycra is in) come on then, date me if you’re brave enough….