Readings, redrafts and...cake again.

In the spirit of attempting to keep this updated, this is both another play progress, and life/writing/creative update.

We had another read-through of the play this week. There was cake.

Cake. Everyone will be fat by the time we finish this thing it tastes better than it looks.

It was a nerve-wracking experience as it always is. Afterwards the director said I always look- I’m not sure, miserable? Worried? Terrified? Well firstly as discussed elsewhere I clearly have an epic resting bitch face which I’m sure gets worse when I’m concentrating. Secondly, I AM TERRIFIED. I mean having been locked away with it for however long, going in and hearing people read it aloud is terrifying. Especially this time when I had changed/added some substantial parts.

Luckily, it transpired I knew everyone in the room. Which can go either way. One actor I’d met only briefly at another event we’d both been involved in, but that’s a kind of helpful familiarity. I’ll admit at first the second actor filled me with more terror than usual- the week before I found out a friend of mine was reading one of the parts. Luckily he’d had the foresight to forewarn me, and confided that he assumed I’d find it more terrifying with someone I knew involved. He was indeed correct. I admit (and have to him, so I hope it’s ok to say!) that I had a moment of utter ‘ohgodohgod’ at the thought of having to sit with someone I know well reading it at this stage. Not everyone will think like that of course- the other way to think about it is ‘oh good someone I know’. And ultimately that was the case, not only did he do a great job, but we’ve been able to talk about it in detail since, and continue to do so, in a way I haven’t with other actors, simply because we have an existing relationship. Which is great! Still doesn’t mean I wasn’t absolutely shitting it to have someone I know reading my work.

And what about the state of the play? The state of play isn’t too bad. If I had to I’d be ok with it going ahead as it is. As is, I have time to play with it. And what were initial tweaks have, based on a couple of conversations morphed into a few edits, a bit of bits and pieces threading through. Not a major rewrite, but enough to elevate it a bit more.

None of that is deliberately vague or obtuse, just that sort of explaining the plot blow by blow none of it will make sense. But I go back into it, perhaps this weekend, perhaps in a few week’s time with a new sense of what I need to do. It’s not finished, it’s never really finished. But it’s an odd feeling being ‘almost there’. And I’ll be honest I’ll miss the process when it’s over.

There’s a sense, which I might not be able to articulate properly here, but after that read through there was a sense of this being almost there. I had my list of little tweaks that were practical things that I needed to fix. But I had a feeling of something not quite being there. That I could feel, but couldn't see. It's a nutty-writer-wanker description, but it is like there's a blind spot and it's just out of reach. But you can feel it over there. I can feel it but I can't quite see it yet. But it's almost there. And then finally last night a few of the pieces settled into place and I can feel it and see it. 

Two people recently helped with this. Firstly the incomparable Kevin Jones, the writer ‘ahead’ of me in the Clock Tower season. He told me recently I’m the most honest writer he knows. And I realised actually there’s bits of this piece that aren’t as honest as they could be, and that perhaps I’ve held back a little. That’s natural I think, as you develop a piece, a kind of self- preservation thing. Related to that, my friend Tom, who through virtue of mis-hearing something in our discussion at the reading, sparked a conversation that unlocked some of what might not be as honest as it could be. And suddenly things seem to be falling into place for the strange thing that seemed missing on hearing it.

And that’s what rewrites are for too. Yes, for logistics, yes for making sense of it. Yes for my dyslexic brain that can’t tell the difference between definitely and defiantly (slight issue when the question is ‘should we have sex?’). Rewrites are also for making sure, when I set it free, it’s the most truthful version and the best version I can make it. And of course that the cake based puns are A-game.

Not only am I a writer who loves a re-write (I’m an editor, not a perfectionist in first write) but of course there’s a moment when these characters stop belonging to me. When they get handed over to other people…and I’ll kind of miss them. This project, probably of everything I’m currently working on, feels most personal, and I certainly have the most attachment to these characters. I know them, I love them, I’m fiercely protective of them… but I also can’t wait to set them free in the world (not least so they get out of my head for five minutes).

But it’s worth recording, what a supportive, and joyous experience this has been (I mean aside from these read-throughs where I feel a bit sick, but even them). It’s such a rare and wonderful thing to work with a team of people with the patience to help you work through and improve your work. I know the draft I sent in to them originally was far from perfect, but I’d always believed there was something, buried in there, about this story I was trying to write. And I don’t quite think I can articulate how grateful someone else saw that. More importantly, that they then spend time working with me, supporting me, to make it a better version of it.

And so, as I get my head down to get this final (?) version of this done, I’m really thankful to the team. But also, all the actors who came in and read drafts. All the friends who have listened to endless conversations about cake based puns, and endless further neurotic waffle about this play. Who put up with me when my rants morph into one (or more) of the characters. And who put up with my almost weekly breakdown that putting my heart and soul into this sometimes is at the detriment of other things. And who then remind me, that if I’m doing it, I have to do it right. And be happy with it. And you know what I just might be...

So I'm raising a slice of cake to the team at Clock Tower who really do take the cake, for helping me get it this far. And saying just how delicious (yes) it's been to work with such a caring, supportive, intelligent team who helped me turn this half baked (yes) idea and watched as it's risen (yes) into a tasty bake (ok that just sounds dirty, also fitting for this play) that hopefully just needs a bit of icing....and of course the cherry on top will be an audience.