Running out of options

I feel like I've run out of options. That's the best summary of job/life/career situation right now.

Six months ago my last fixed term job ended. Which makes approximately nine months of trying to find a new job. I get that everybody I know is either bored with hearing me talk about it, or whispering about what is 'wrong' with me that I can't find a job. For the latter, if I knew don't you think I'd do something about it? and also have you tried getting a job recently?

What I said to my Mum this morning was 'It's never been this bad before.' followed by 'I'm so ashamed of myself'. I've never spent this long trying to get a job (some kind of job, any job) and I've reached a point in the 'long game' of career where it's time to admit defeat. And I'm deeply disappointed in and ashamed of myself for that.

I've got used to bouncing from one fixed term job to the next. Or supporting myself with a creative array of part time jobs while studying. I'm nothing if not resilient (and willing to do virtually anything to get by). It's no longer a matter of my willingness or ability, it's a case of running out of options. It's also worth noting that the most recent temp job I had paid less than half of what I earned 2 years ago. And that I took a Christmas retail job for minimum wage. None of this is job snobbery, or salary snobbery. If I can get by on it. If it's basically legal.  I will do it.

In the last two weeks I've been got rid of from a temp job, and turned down from a job interview where I spent the whole painful hour being repeatedly told I was 'over qualified' (for a job I might add closely linked to all my work, and one that would have been a great 'development opportunity' to 'diversify' my experience and skills).

And today I've sat down for another week and...well I'll be honest all I've done is cry. I'm crying as I write this. I spend most days crying at some point. Because I've run out of options. I search for jobs and realise most of them are pointless because they fall into two categories:

1. Want incredibly specific experience that could only be gained doing that exact job for several years.
2. See above would be considered 'over qualified'.

I'm also repeatedly told I 'have to' move away. Usually to London. To which I ask 'with what?' I've run down my savings to nothing trying to survive unemployment. It costs money to move, and at this point I'd need at least 6 months employment without moving in order to be able to afford to move for employment. That's assuming obviously, employment can be found. But apparently I don't 'want it enough' if I don't move...so I have to do it....and be unemployed elsewhere? I'll be honest I may be a bit dim but such conversations confuse me greatly.

And while the day to day worry of 'what next for money' and the battle to do that continues, as does a parallel battle with what I like to call 'real career' things.

I've not been idle in these six months - far from it. My 'real career' work continues to progress, largely unpaid (though with a few bits of income) in a slow and steady fashion- I have a book contract, a handful of articles in progress, a play being written/produced. And I'm constantly hustling and networking to keep hopefully moving forward. I've been trying to figure out alternative careers, and find and take advice wherever I can. But progress on all of these is slow. And requires a safety net of a 'day job' before change can happen.

And I want to keep doing that- the book particularly, and the play represent years of hard work and an element of 'dreams in the making' (small dreams- I don't expect many people to care about them I just am happy they will exist). And it's taken a lot to get there and I don't want to throw these away. If anything  I will regret it more than anything if I do.

But in the meantime I have no means to earn money. And I need to balance those. In the short term that's all I'm trying to do - pay bills with a 'day job' so I can pursue the things that matter to me to completion and then see where life takes me. The temp job fell apart because despite paying basically minimum wage, they weren't happy with someone who had a career outside that. I'll be honest in all these years that's the first experience of that I've had thankfully- all my other temp/survival jobs have been really supportive of the fact that was just a stepping stone in a longer term plan.

But I now feel the time has come to scrap the longer term plan. When something isn't working the sensible thing is to stop. There's no future for me in the arts, I know that. Or at least, that's been made quite clear to me (particularly in Wales, so again moving, chicken, egg etc). So what now?

Well who knows. But again I can't make those sorts of long term decisions. Right now I just need to survive until I can work out what's next. And I'd always managed it before. But actually this time I've failed to. And honestly, I have run out of options. And if I'm honest, run out of fight.