There's a thing going around Twitter at the moment called 'Tweet your rejections' which is mostly full of inspiring stories of life going very wrong before it goes right. This isn't a blog critiquing those stories. I love them. Some of them are hilarious in an 'Oh I've been there' kind of way. Others are heartwarming, and others just give a sense of 'oh it's not just me then'.
I also love them, because I like to be inspired to keep going. About a year or so ago I shared an article that focused on Denise Gough having the worst year of her career before she got the part in People Places and Things. I shared it on Facebook with a line about it being inspiring or whatnot. Because it was, people getting to do the thing they love is inspiring. Do I think it happens to everyone? no. Do I think that because it worked out for Densie Gough it'll work out for me? No. But I like to hope. For a moment. It gives me a sense of 'keep working it might just work out' when my brain wants to tell me to stop. And what's wrong with a little inspiration anyway?
Well why don't we ask the prominent industry professional who I won't name but will say was a he. Who felt the need to slide on over into my DMs and inform me in no uncertain terms that 'More people fail than suceed you know, for every Denise Gough there are 100s of equally talented people who don't make it.' That these people are either working crappy jobs or give up and go and do something else.
Well firstly, no shit Sherlock. As someone who has had the crap kicked out of me by not one but two brutal industries for 10 years, yeah I kinda got that. Secondly, yes I know people give up all the time. I have been that person. I'm on about my 5th career already. So what? Even if I wasn't in theatre I'd find Gough's or any of the other tweeted stories inspiring, and heart warming. Because I'm not reading them to JUST say 'hey I can do it too then' I'm also reading them for a bit of good news, a bit of 'hey someone got what they wanted in life isn't that grand' because even in our own despair we could all use a bit of sunshine sometimes.
And am I a bad person? a stupid person? if these stories inspire me to keep going a bit longer. Sure they'll come a point where I'll give up entirely. But also, what if I don't.
If there's one thing I've learned over the years it's plugging on even if you're failing, eventually leads to somewhere else. Something else that does make sense. I don't always know where I'm going but as long as I'm still plugging on and trying, well I'm going somewhere right?
I write this all in the midst of utter professional and personal despair. Everything is going wrong at once.
My temp job that I plugged along at for six months thinking it would have the security to see me through, has gotten to the point of unbearable, and untenable in terms of supporting me. So I'm having to quit. And that's scary.
I've been out of a 'proper' job a year. And I feel like a failure. I'm beaten down by rejection and temp jobs from hell.
And it's my Birthday next week. Nothing like turning another year older to remind you how badly you've fallen behind.
My creative work....well we're about a 50/50 ratio of good and bad. I'm having to virtually throw a play out and start over after pouring 6 months of work into it at the expense of everything else. And as a result of that the progress on the book has fallen behind to disastrous levels.
And in temping for 6 months to get all that done. I feel like I've failed in progressing to 'proper jobs' (that I likely would have been rejected from anyway.
So in all honesty, I'm feeling like a big fat failure right now. I feel like I'm overwhelmed by everything, doing too much and still not doing enough. That it'll never be enough, that I've wasted and made a right cock up of the last year and it'll all be for nothing still.
So I can't share my own rejections. I'm too much in it. But don't mind me if I take 10 minutes solace in the actors who got the part in the end, the academics who got there or the people for who it did somehow all work out- even if it wasn't the way they expected.
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