Yesterday my Temp job got rid of me. Which in itself is no big deal it's the name of the game. Equally I could have got up at any time and said 'Bored now I'm going'. I didn't because I'm a good little temp, I sit there I get on with it, even when it is spectacularly , well shit.
It was a classic 'it's not what you did it's the way you did it' moment really. After nearly 8 months of 'oh yes we love you, we think of you as proper staff, yes we'll give you a proper contract' suddenly they decided no. The official line was 'no more temps' which, if true isn't a decision you make overnight so someone should really have given me a polite heads up. If it IS a decision you made overnight, well maybe just maybe that's an indication of why you have so many temps...
But this does mean I'm now free to say a few things. Firstly the utter guilt my socialist-liberal-lefty self has had over working in....a private hospital. And a signifier of how desperate I have been for work that I was willing to park my morals at the door. In general actually my feeling was if rich people are willing to pay ridiculous amounts to feel like they're getting better treatment than the NHS so be it (spoiler they aren't). Also I spent much of my time in departments where we served Sports teams (utterly wasted on me) so again, rather their stupid injuries were dealt with privately than taking up NHS time. But I saw a few people who broke my heart. People so desperate for help they'd pay the ridiculous fees. And I saw Consultants who were human. Who were there to make money but not to screw people for money. And of course I saw exceptions, the other end of the spectrum. All of that is another post. Another play probably.
What my main issue was however, is I have never worked in an environment where I had to bow and scrape so much, not only to customers (I refuse to call them patients) but to those I worked with. I've been the lowest of the low in many environments. I've never been expected to act with such...deference to literally everyone else? Three times I got shouted at, and I mean shouted at, by men. Three times I was told I was wrong and everyone bent over backwards to give the men what they wanted because they'd shouted. I deserve better than that, we all do.
I also cringed daily at having to bow and scrape at Doctors. Yes Doctor so-and-so No Mr-so-and-so. All the while choking back at them, and customers 'It's not dear, or love or even Miss, it's Doctor'
I feel like I've been dumped by a bad boyfriend. I knew it was bad for me, I wanted to escape for a long time. But I couldn't bring myself to. And now I'm angry I didn't walk out, slam that door first. Tell them what I thought.
But also like being dumped by a bad boyfriend, it still hurts, however bad it was for you. And because you can only take being dumped so many times before it breaks you a bit. And it's broken me. Not this job so much as the last year. Hell the last ten really. But particularly this last year. I've got no fight left in me right now. Nothing to bounce back with from yet another career and life beating.
Because it's not just your career, it's your whole life. It's an all consuming 'what if' and 'what next' and that great blank space of not knowing creeps into everything- decisions on where you live, plans you make, relationships, everything. It's not just about the job, it's about my life. And right now job and career have run me into the ground.
I'll pick myself up, I always do. What other choice is there right? but it's hard, it's so hard. And there's so many of us going through it. To my friends (and strangers) who are, I see you, I'm with you.
It's cliche but you do find out who your friends are. When you're constantly going through a nightmare, those who send a message, who reach out. Increasingly I'm finding it's relative strangers, or the ones who live far away. That's interesting. The ones I thought I could rely on, less and less so. Again, when one aspect of life falls apart it seeps into the rest.
And again I'll pick myself up. Eventually. And at the very least I'll never have to smile through gritted teeth and say 'Yes Dr Asshat of course'...
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