I did mean to mark the day, for reasons that will become apparent. But I was too busy finishing transcribing a Hip Hop interview, and finishing edits on an article. And that's a brilliant reason anyway to not write a blog post. But even better because Worst Temp Job Ever was the point at which I said 'I'll give it a year' meaning I'd give it a year to see where doing what I really wanted to do took me. That I wouldn't take the next full time office job that wanted me for the sake of a full time salary. That I'd give myself a little space with temping and/or retail jobs to see where the foundations I'd started to lay took me. And so a year on, here we are.
Firstly Worst Temp Job Ever. Short version: was taken by an agency to to admin on murder investigations. Understandably that was not fun. I got fired 3 weeks later. Hurrah freedom from Murder Admin. Joking aside, and relief aside last February was one of the darkest times career wise, and mental health wise in a long time. It took months of an equally crappy temp job to crawl out of that hole. But the next temp job being part time got me back on track with my 'real work'. That ended in September, and I've since started a very nice part time job...and things seem to be momentarily back on track...while the 'real work' seems to be steadily growing. Into what is anyone's guess, but a year on, well that's what you missed.
It's been hard. One of the hardest years since/including my PhD. The worry of financial stability (or lack thereof) the worry that it's a gamble too big, that I don't know what I'm doing (spoiler alert I still don't know what I'm doing). And that I'm being judged constantly as a 'failure' for my choices...
But I realised a lot of my worry comes from a sense of 'should' the idea that I 'should' have a 'proper' job by now. That I 'shouldn't' be wasting my time with any of these things. That even if I am, I'm 'not doing it right'. But that's an important lesson I've learned (the hard way) this year. The people who are your real friends, will always be your cheerleader. The people that matter will respond with commiserations when you need them, but respond with joy when you send them an article you're proud of. They won't, say I don't know, send you emails detailing how you're a terrible human for taking a commissioned article on a thing you know a lot about. (Yup that happened). More importantly, the friends that matter will tell you to keep going (but still listen to you complain about how awful it is).
And what have I done this year? oh, many things. I don't want to turn this into a list of achievements because progress isn't always linear, and it's also not a competition. But it's well documented I've been writing a book. I've also submitted a final draft of a play that hopefully will be performed later this spring. I've got a musical I'm working on, and a commissioned play. I've done some teaching, both in University and in adult education. I've grown my journalism portfolio with some pretty great publications. There's so much more I'd love to have done, and I often feel like I haven't achieved enough. But step by step.
One of the other things I've learned this year is to take myself seriously, and to stand up for myself, and my work. It's a classic 'I'm no bossy, I'm the boss' moment. That could be integrity of the work, the sense of self of not getting treated badly, or it could be a simple matter of monetary worth. I still work for free, for example, but only on my terms, for things I see will have personal or professional gain. The power of saying 'No' is as important as saying 'Yes'.
But taking myself seriously goes beyond occasionally putting my foot down. It's a much more personal sense of self confidence and self assertiveness in the work. People don't take writing seriously. Or sometimes they tell you only bits of your work deserve to be taken seriously. My friend told me this week she describes what I do as 'She writes theatre and writes about theatre' and I firstly love that and will be stealing it. Secondly, it works so well because it gives each of them equal ranking. Whether I'm writing a play or writing a book about other people's plays, they are both important, and they require the same level of work and commitment. Writing plays isn't just a hobby, it's another cog in my 'Portfolio career'. Writing reviews, also isn't just something I do for fun, it's my job. And one I take seriously.
And this messy mish-mash of things somehow adds up to a whole. I don't know where any of it is leading, but actually so far it's lead onto a whole host of exciting things, and so firstly I don't think I'll stop yet. But also I'm done with people treating it like a cute little hobby. I will fight for the integrity fo the work across all the platforms, and take it all as seriously as a salaried job. That doesn't mean being serious all the time; I'll still write plays about gay undertakers who love trains (true story) and I'll still talk about sex in toilets on the BBC (also true story) but I also treat those things like the weird job they are.
And so what have I learned from this year long accidental experiment? I've learned that aside from a job that I'm truly passionate about (so hi National Theatre if you're reading this, give me a call) a return to the 9-5 full time office job is, for the moment, not for me. The half freelancer life I currently have has done wonders for my mental health, and the mix of public facing work and working from home is a balance that is working, and if in time I can earn a sustainable living from some version of this, that's something to aim for practically speaking. I also very much enjoy what I believe cool Millennials are calling 'the hustle' I love the buzz of pitching for jobs and articles. I love the idea that in 6 months my projects might be entirely different. And I love that I can say yes to opportunties that come my way.
I recognise it's a privileged position in many ways. But also I'd like to note, I'm really not making money here. Just this Monday I was in tears, at having lost a piece of work, at the fact my 'day job' pays minimum wage, and that some days it is all one hell of a struggle. But at the moment, the promise of what it might turn into....is enough to keep fighting a bit longer.
A year ago I said give it a year and see where I am. On one had you quickly realise a year isn't long enough. On Friday my Mum told me to give it another 2 or 3 and then decide if I'm giving up. And on Friday I wrote this tweet:
It's an arbitrary measure of an accidentally really fucking good day. But it's also a measure of how far I've come. It's taken more than a year for everything to conspire to those two good things happening. But it's also a damn good marker of how far I've come.I’m not normally one to shout about such things, but I will say, a year ago I’d been fired from a shit temp job. Today I was on BBC Radio And had an article in Slate.— Dr Emily Garside (@EmiGarside) January 25, 2019
And I’m taking a moment to be proud of that.
I don't actually know where all this mess is leading me...and I'm kind of ok with that. And I've finally learned to slow down in my expectations of how, where and when that has to happen. I do finally in life have a set of concrete aims, plans, call it what you will in terms of writing, in terms of projects beyond my current ones. But actually, let's see where the 'hustle' takes me a year from now. Because whatever happens, it can't be worse than a year in Murder Admin would have been anyway, so I'm already winning.
And what next? I want to keep writing. I want to grow who I write for and what I write. I also want to teach more. If you happen to read this and would like someone to do those things please get in touch...my CV is here.
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