Six years ago I was freezing my arse off and being called fat by another Bridesmaid (damn that bitch hated me) for a close friend's wedding. I mean obviously, a close friend as I was Bridesmaid.
2.5 years ago, while I was on an overnight flight no less (and so saw when I landed) I got dumped by said friend. Out of the blue. The reason?
'Sorry it's just you haven't got a husband and I can't really talk to you about things...'
I wrote a tweet about it which got some attention so I thought I'd write some long form thoughts linked to my favourite musical theatre subject Company.
Six years ago today I was Bridesmaid for someone I (obviously) considered a close friend. 2.5 years ago, she told me we could no longer be friends because, and I quote “you don’t have a husband so I can’t talk to you about my life”— Dr Emily Garside (@EmiGarside) March 16, 2019
There was slightly more to it, chiefly in a rota of people who came two by two there wasn't room for a Bridget Jones in their smug married dinner parties, and it was frankly too much effort to sustain an independent friendship it seemed.
Now let's unpack the above statement first. No, I might not have a husband. Yes, my Queer-Feminist-Liberal outlook might not be, shall we say 'traditional' but I have encountered...men...and relationships...and other humans. I was even, dare I say, friends with people's husbands/boyfriends etc etc. Even so, if you don't want to talk about your relationship with me, fine. I have plenty of friends with whom I know next to nothing about their other halves because our relationship and their identity isn't in fact defined by a ring on their finger (or who they shag).
Obviously, this is a particular dick move by this person. But it made me think of the larger ramifications of being single at a certain age. Not least because after writing that tweet I walked the dog and ran into my old 'Brown Owl' who asked if I had kids yet, and was suitably aghast that I still lived at home (sorry Brown Owl but we're all broke as shit...)
But it's also the reason Company spoke to me so profoundly this year. My initial reflection on that can be found here and here. But I happened to revisit it a few weeks ago. And I watched it with tears streaming down my cheeks because I felt once again so SEEN by it. That some of us are more complex in our affairs of the heart than that.
A friend of mine used the phrase 'reserved in affairs of the heart' about me before Christmas and that is probably the most accurate description.
Like Bobbie 'I'm not avoiding marriage' but like Bobbie I'm also not actively seeking it.
People tend to forget that life isn't so cleanly structured for all of us. Especially, yes, the dreaded 'Millennial' generation. There was no 'leave school, Uni, job, settle down' for me. There's just been this messy path that's led everywhere and nowhere. And I'm ok with that. I'm dare I say happy with that. I look back and go 'well if I'd settled down at 24, where would I be?' and that's not the wrong choice, it's not the bad choice it's just a different one, and I'm really happy with where this one took me. Except when I endure the judgment for it...
And also to play the PhD card here, I lost five years between my mid-twenties and turning 30 to that. Years when traditionally yes, I should be dating, should maybe have found the person to settle down with. Instead, I was in a bubble of books and living in my head. Still, do some might argue. The point being I skipped right from the early 20s dating time, to mid-30s without the bit in between. So suddenly everyone around me is married with babies and I still feel like I'm in the baby-steps, is it all too soon mentality about dating.
But more than blaming the PhD, I'm just wired differently. Again there's the theme in Company that Bobbie doesn't want to 'give up' her life. And damn right I don't. Because much like in watching Company, it looks from the outside like every person in a couple wants you to become one person. And I don't want to give up my life for anyone, my independence, my identity. I couldn't be with someone who expected my every waking minute. And logically I know the right person wouldn't ....but that fear is always there.
There's also an expectation of dating in your 30s that everything has to be on 'fast forward' because we should all be in the place of 'are we getting married/settling down' and that equally terrifies me. Why? why are we rushing from a to be so fast. Can we not slow the fuck down and actually establish if we want to spend time with this person? I mean basically, I'm saying that I date (in my head, because no actual dating is happening) at the pace of a confused snail. And anything else has me going 'whooaa now hold your horses' (way to mix an animal metaphor)
But equally, people (and by people I, unfortunately, mean women) are highly suspicious of a woman who does not spend most of her time pursuing relationships. I've lied countless times to women about being on dating apps (I'm not) and about how many relationships I've had. It's just easier to make everyone believe you're constantly hunting for a partner than admit the truth: for whatever reason you're not.
Let's think about that- women are suspicious, they judge me for not acting enough like I need a partner.
Oh and all this is before we throw in the whole bisexual thing. The whole 'pick a team' thing or the whole 'slutty' thing (honestly no judgment but it's laughable anyone could consider me slutty).
Meanwhile, I'm just...busy. Honestly, I'm looking at my diary this coming week and weeping from exhaustion already. But I love it. I lead a really full life. I work exceptionally hard right now (you know trying to write a book, 2 plays and god only knows what else). And it's not that someone else doesn't fit into that, but it takes a very particular kind of someone to understand that. To understand that no they won't always come first. That no, they won't always see me all the time. That yes, my work is often the most important thing.
And I can hear (women) saying 'but you have to make room for someone' 'You're work won't love you when you're old' ...I will make room, for the right person, at the right time. But I'm not sacrificing the rest of my life for that. Or for the myth of that.
I'm not a robot. Of course, the thought of someone crosses my mind. I get romantic, I get (yes) horny. I'm a person, I get lonely, I think 'what if...' Going back to Company, Bobbie sings 'Did I know him? Have I waited too long? well maybe so has he' and of course there's that sometimes nagging feeling of 'oh have I missed a chance' but honestly, no. Because there's likely someone out there who has waited this long as well. Someone who is the right fit, not the result of endless swiping and meaningless dates that could have been evenings with friends. And it's the push-pull of that song 'Someone is Waiting' the idea of 'hurry-wait for me' being caught between 'I want and I'm not ready' and that's kind of ok.
Company was exactly what I needed this year. That reminder that it is difficult. As Marianne Elliott herself said to me 'For women it's always a massive choice' because a relationship changes things, impacts things, brings up questions. Who am I? Where am I going? will this change my career? my friends? in a way it doesn't for men. Of course in expressing that about the production I got called a sex addict (and yes, she knows about that and who too...) which goes to show...well how we judge women right?
So my ex-friend might be remembering today that Bridesmaid she cut out of her life for not being married. She might pity her, she might call her names, judge her. But that's ok.
And as for me, 'Marriages and all that' if 90s romantic comedies taught me nothing, it's that it happens either when you're least expecting it, or comes from something that was there all along...even if it takes a decade. And not to trust Hugh Grant because ultimately he'll end up trying to steal Paddington Bear.
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