Today is International Day Against Homophobia, Biphobia, and Transphobia. And it seems, as ever the best way to mark it is to say 'We're here' if we're able.
Also I bought a gay gnome yesterday and outed myself to the neighbours and Facebook so this seems an appropriate bit of timing.
Also because someone called me their 'favourite gobby bisexual' this morning, so it seems right to honour that title. I might start using that on my Tinder profile (joke, as if I'm on Tinder, I'm far too lazy...)
But part of days like today, and perhaps especially this year, when Pride season will be a muted affair, that those of us able to be a bit gobby on the internet do so.
As ever 'why do you need a day' etc etc. Mainly, for everyone is not able to be a bit 'gobby on the internet' for everyone still hiding. Be that our brothers and sisters in countries where they can't be themselves. Be that for our friends who can't be out to their families, friends or employers. Or for any of us (so all of us then) who have had one of those comments shouted at us. Or worse. Because there's so much worse all the time.
I think it's easy from the bubble of heterosexuality, sometimes even from our bubble of liberal, leftist, city-dwelling Queers, to forget just how much prejudice, and yes violence, there still is against our community. Or simply how difficult it is to fight that wave of prejudice. For some of us it's the micro-level. The 'jokes' in the workplace (nowhere I've worked recently thankfully) that make you falter, stop...worry that you're about to be found out. It's 'banter with the lads' in the pub (remember pubs?) that goes a bit too far. Or it's the 'oh well you're all right obviously but...' or the family gatherings where Aunt Karen has a lot to say about 'those people'....it's a million tiny things. And that reminder that you never stop 'coming out' and every time you do it there's a knife-edge moment of 'is this the time, is this the time it goes horribly wrong'.
And we need to address the nuances of this. I can't speak for the other parts of this community. I'm very conscious of the terrifying ordeals my trans friends go through. And I know I can't pretend to understand, only empathise, and use utilise my superpower of a really big mouth so that I support them best I can. So I won't speak of their stories here, those are those to tell. Only say that when we speak of the LGBTQ community, we have a responsibility from our own places of privilege to make sure we include and fight for the T in that acronym.
As for myself, the stories I can tell are of the 'B' and the need to remember that as a distinct but included identity. As a bisexual woman, I can't play with the 'proper lesbians' sometimes who see any inkling of not being 'pure' (Dunno do I have to prove the number of times I've been near a penis?) meanwhile I'm too 'gay' for the straight world (it's not my fault I'm just really fucking fabulous ok?). It's everything from how you dress- if I wear dungarees like the true theatre wanker I am, then I'm trying to be a dyke...if I wear a 50s dress, because frankly, your girl looks fabulous in one, then I'm perpetuating straight standards of beauty. I get it, clothing and looks are indicators in both camps, and we can't get away from that....but maybe, I just really like both dungarees and 50s dresses. Just like I really just like all genders. Trust me life would be easier if I just 'picked a lane' as people are fond of saying...but what can I say the heart wants what it wants, and what it apparently wants is to be rejected by people of all genders and to be a crazy dog lady...so let me be ok?
(I wrote a play about this, and Phillip Scofield which you can read here Go Go Gopher)
Seriously, however, our community has its own divisions. Biphobia is one of them. But the best way forward is sometimes through. And for that, all I can do is stand up and say 'I am a bisexual woman, and this community and the wider world has to accept that.' That's all I can do. Some days I can't do that, sometimes the weight of it, the fear of it, stops me. I might be really privileged, lucky even. No scratch that, I shouldn't say I'm 'lucky' to be accepted for who I am. That should be a given. And yet, so often it isn't. So often you have to spend time second-guessing, can I 'come out here' can I reference this part of my life, or gently skirt around it.
It's my dream that one day I won't have to worry about starting a new job about being 'outed' or having to awkwardly confess. That I won't have to shuffle uncomfortably in a social setting when hilarious 'jokes' are made...more importantly I long for a year that I don't hear of someone I know, or indeed someone I don't, suffering abuse for being who they are. I long for a time all of that is true.
Sometimes it's true, and it's a weird glimpse into the 'what could be' ...easier for us in our liberal bubbles. Our arts bubbles. I spent this week able to talk freely about my Big Gay Play (tm) with people because I felt safe. That's not always the case. I spent a lot of time as an academic of Gay History, and much of academia didn't feel like a 'safe space'...I was asked was I 'allowed' to research 'those people' I was grilled about my HIV status...about my sexuality. It's messy and its complicated all of it, but none of it should impact my doing my job...or living my life.
Which is why days like today, with their rainbow flags and hashtags, are important. So those of us able to stand up and speak out can. So those who can't feel they've got allies. If it feels necessary to you, good for you, I'm glad you don't need it. But if you don't need it you have a responsibility to still stand up for those who do.
We're losing the most important parts of our Pride season this year- the chance to gather and stand together. And that's ok because we as a community know all too well what it is to have a virus decimate your community. So we'll do our bit. Instead, then, it falls to the gobby Queers of the internet like me to shout a bit louder, on behalf of those who can't.
So from your friendly neighbourhood Gobby Bisexual, I ask you to do your bit against homophobia, biphobia, and Transphobia however, and wherever you can. We've come so far, but there's a long way to go.
From me and lesbian gnome....go and be fabulous!
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