As anyone who follows me on social media knows, I took part
in a post-show talk for the play As Is this weekend. I would apologise for the
social media bombardment. As is (see what I did there?) I only apologise for
the shameless self-promotion, because I’m terribly British and find it embarrassing.
That said I do not apologise for the promotion of the play, and will continue
to relentlessly promote this fantastic and important piece of theatre, even if
I have to drag you all to see it personally. Short version: please see this
play if you can, it’s important. It’s in London, it’s inexpensive for a London
show, and it has a plethora of informative and exciting post show talks.
My review can be found here: As Is review
And tickets can be bought here: http://m.atgtickets.com/shows/as-is/trafalgar-studios/about/ (Runs until 1st August 2015)
That over I wanted to write on this blog about the experience
of doing a post-show talk, reflect a bit on how this makes me think both about
research going forward and my career.
For me in fact this weekend sums up exactly how I wanted to
use my PhD: I want to work with theatres/directors/actors and use my knowledge
in a practical sense. I want to continue to be a part of the ‘theatre world’
that I stepped away to some degree to do the PhD, and that in a way academia
increasingly fails to understand, we must make research a part of the practice
and practice a part of research.
That all sounds very highbrow and, in essence academic. What
I’m trying to say is actually being able to go into a theatre and give a
post-show talk is actually a dream of mine come true. Overly dramatic? I don’t
think so. As I said in my talk the key for me in staging plays like this we
generate a conversation, for me writing my PhD was part of that important
conversation that we still need to have around AIDS.
I was nervous about going to talk at that theatre. Not least
for the factors of it is a play that is important to me, in a theatre that I have
an emotional attachment to, directed by a man whose work and career has been an
inspiration to me. Taking those in order, the play for me is one that has time
and time again rejuvenated my belief in the power of theatre as a tool in
fighting AIDS. It is a play of such honesty and hope that every time I revisit
it, whether in written form or in finally getting to see it performed, it has
always fired me up again. It also, in the 2013 production came to me at a time,
a year away from submission of the thesis, that I really, really needed that
boost. The theatre it was staged in also has significance to me. I visited
there early in my Master’s at RADA. Feeling a bit lost and insecure, and out of
step with those on my course, I saw my first Martin Sherman play ‘Bent’ and it
had a profound effect on me, as it does many. Theatrically and personally that play
affected me, and as Marvin Carlson writes, our theatrical spaces are haunted by
what has been there before, and the staging of that play has given me a long
running affection for the Trafalgar Studios-I never thought I would get to
speak there. And finally a director I admire greatly, what can I say about
Andrew Keates? his work keeps getting better and better, and his choices of
productions also indicate his taste and vision are impeccable (I simply can
find no wrong in someone who chose to bring Dessa Rose to London). Not only
that but the way in which he realises these productions (sadly I didn’t get to
see his production of Bent) shows what a talent he is. Add that to the work he
has done for HIV/AIDS, and with TheatreMAD it’s understandable I was excited
and nervous in equal measure. Luckily Andrew is as kind as he is talented and has
welcomed a slightly mad academic to come and talk at his show.
But, all that said I was nervous about putting myself back 'out there' in the theatre world. Leaving the academia bubble (academic struggle more like it) to say, 'I can do this too'. Since finishing my PhD, in fact scratch that, since starting it, I've been arguing that in the theatre world we need to do both. And that’s the thing that is lovely, that mad academics can
work outside of their boxes, I feel like 4 years of practically screaming at
supervisors that as drama academics we need to work with practice not removed
from it. Even in this small way felt like a start. The experience also taught
me how my work can be valued outside of academia. So while in academia I may be
considered a slightly oddball person who thinks about things differently, and
heaven forbid wants to talk about a subject that is a bit ‘taboo’ (though it
shouldn’t be, but I’ll pause that rant for another day) But in 4 years as an
academic I’ve never felt as ‘valued’ as director Andrew Keates made me feel
this weekend. I also felt listened to by both Andrew and assistant director
Sarah Stephens, and of course the lovely audience.
More importantly the chance to do this talk verified what I’ve
been despairing as lost-that I can firstly contribute to making a difference, and that in fact to do that I need to place myself back in the theatre world. Shouting at academics, publishing obscure articles that nobody reads has never felt like progress to me. I got more satisfaction from that short group to a small group of people and the conversations I had afterwards, than I have from any battle with academic publishing I've had to date. For me it's about shouting from the rooftops the topic I'm passionate about. I talked last week about the how, why and wherefore of this for me in my last post here:
But for me it was about the conversations we had in that post-show talk, where we talked about opening up this conversation, about involving people to change things and make a difference. And yes it sounds cliché, yes people will scoff. But if I can with this PhD, with what I try to do with it, if I make a difference to one single person, it's worth it. I didn't pick my thesis topic lightly, I picked it because of long standing passion to get these voices heard, and not to allow these voices to be forgotten. And increasingly I don't think academia is the way to continue that. In academia my voice is drowned out by louder, more intellectual voices, more trendy topics. Or by REF targets and funding calls. The other routes are not easy, it's never going to be easy to make this subject heard but I'm damn well going to keep trying.
On a broader career note, this opportunity was for me also about feeling that the theatre world is not closed to me by taking time out for academia was a relief, even in this tiny step.
Firstly that yes, the work I did has significance outside of cobbling together
100, 000 words of a thesis and generally surviving the years of hell that
entails. I wrote that thesis because of a passion to make voices around AIDS
theatre, and those with HIV/AIDS heard, and I think I’ve now started to take
steps towards that. Secondly, that I was welcomed to that talk, and in the discussions
I had afterwards made me feel that there is a place for me in the theatre world
still.
I think also what I learned in doing this is that my
instincts are correct- I belong more on theatre side of the fence than the
academic one. That’s not to say that I can’t bring my academic skills and
knowledge to the theatre, but theatre ultimately is the language I speak. I
think for all of us it’s just something that’s in our blood.
It may have been a small, small thing, one post-show talk but it gave me a glimmer of hope that all was not the waste of time I feared it was. And that also people are actually interested in what I have to say. I feel now I'm able to start chipping away at actually making use of what I've done, making this knowledge a tangible useful thing I can actually use to make even a small difference. And that also that I can be a part of the theatre world again.
So what next? Who knows, but it's a start. In a moment of sheer belligerence (one of many) I once told my skeptical supervisors that to prove to them AIDS in theatre, AIDS dialogue was not and should not be dead that I was going to write the next AIDS play. And you know what, I might well just try doing that for a start....
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