Play Right? Play Wrong? : Graduation. Or silly hat day.

Ok firstly I promise I'll get back to some sort of chronological order advice soon...but things keep happening.

This week....graduation! (anyone who listens to Cabin Pressure, I hear that in Martin Crief voice...those who don't look it up and listen)

Yes, finally, finally Graduation. On one hand something I'd daydreamed about off and on for 4 plus years. On the other I very nearly didn't go. The end of the PhD was so horrendous, and seemed to go on for so long I just wanted away from there. However it's the thing you do, so I went.

It's an odd thing on one hand Graduating with a PhD. When you graduate from other degrees you have a class that you're with. Even when for my Undergrad due to an optional year abroad there were significantly less of us, there's still a group. For my MA I distinctly remember making our weirdo actor-ly/theatrical selves known among the more dour politics graduates....But for me I was going to be on my own. Actually it turns out very much on my own because instead of announcing all the PhDs together they spread them over the ceremony, so I ended up both last and with some Welsh PGCE students...but I'll get to that.

I will say it was a good decision to go to my Graduation. It was important, and enjoyable. Also the hat. Frankly it's worth it for that hat.

I mean look at it right? I mean yes it's a bit Wolf Hall....

.....but you say that like it's a bad thing? Thomas Cromwell chic is where it's at.

In all seriousness the hat is a big part of it. From going to collect my gowns and the lovely lady from Ede and Ravenscroft being really excited for me, wanting to know all about my PhD, and congratulating me, to the funny looks I got all day. I kept forgetting that I was a) wearing a frankly ridiculous hat and b) wearing even more ridiculous robes that looked different to everyone else, so everyone was looking at me. Before the ceremony just a bit confused, afterwards I heard a few whispered 'She's got a doctorate' So here are the robes in all their Hogwarts glory....

So you're there looking ridiculous, with no classmates, and you go into the hall. Now for me it was particularly pertinent, because of the venue. A local theatre, that shall remain nameless...where I used to work. Followers of the old blog will know that my experience and exit from there weren't exactly a picnic (short version: pick your friends carefully) so I was not only proving something to those at the University who doubted me, but holding my head high at the workplace that had ended so bitterly. Also as a general theatre nerd, getting to walk across that stage in front of an audience would always be a a thrill.

Despite feeling a bit alone with no fellow PhDs that I really knew graduating with me, I did have a wonderful welcome from the colleagues in Registry at my University. I'd worked with several of them during my work as a Support Worker and as an exam invigilator. So seeing them when I got in there really, really made my day (and I think one of them had something to do with my Mum getting a box to herself to watch, which if it was is a lovely gesture for which I'm very grateful, as was Mum who got to pretend she was the Queen....)

The layout of the theatre is such that I was stood directly in front of where the academic procession came through. This was both lovely and awkward. It's awkward for any of us to have to stand with the procession of 'high ups' coming past. But also knowing a fair few of the academics it was a bit awkward, but also lovely, as I got to give a nod hello to them. And see some of the most deliberate looking the other way I've ever seen...But my friend the Reverend doffing his cap to me as he went by was one of the highlights of the ceremony.

I had already realized I was literally the last person to Graduate. For someone a) shy and b) scared of falling on stage as me this was not the most fun I've had. Not least when they accidentally half-announced my PhD at the wrong moment. If I didn't know the registry staff and have complete trust in their organisation I'd have had a heart attack.

Finally I did get to walk across that stage. Waiting to go out I did start to feel a bit emotional. All day it had been too busy to think about it, but there's a little pause as you wait to go on where nothing else is really going on, and then it hit me. I did tell myself not to cry (lord knows I've done enough of that over the last 4 years...) and forced myself to keep smiling and clapping for those PGCE students in front of me. (who frankly were confused by the weirdo in the funny hat following them...)

Everywhere does it a bit different, but we get a short description of our research read out. I had a choice between the director of research and my supervisor, I chose my supervisor because despite our ups and downs, she helped get me there and that felt righto. It is a really satisfying moment to hear a description of your research read out, to acknowledge what you did specifically, not just that you did it. And for the activist in me, having it read aloud that I did this work on AIDS, to have it highlighted as something important that I did, really meant a lot too.

What follows is a bit of a blur, but among shaking hands with the Vice Chancellor and being congratulated by him and turning and taking a bow to the audience (which in that theatre, felt amazing) what I remember most of all is the sound of my former students cheering. The students I taught in their first year graduated with me and as I walked across I heard a massive cheer from the front section where they were sitting. I really didn't expect it, and they had no idea I would be there, but you cannot imagine what that meant to hear them cheer. Not only was I suddenly not alone, I had some people cheering for me. But more so that they wanted to cheer for their teacher from 2 years ago. That made my day. I'd have cried at that point if I hadn't been smiling so much.

I crossed the stage, passed my friend the Reverend who although is (partly) responsible for me getting into this whole PhD mess, also got me to the end of it in more ways than one, and I got my certificate from a dear friend who I've known since my days as the office temp in my University. And that's what made it for me. The people who have meant a lot over the years. As the academic procession of awkwardness went past again on the way out I got congratulated with nods smiles and winks (and a kiss on the cheek) and yes, I felt a little bit special. But if you can't feel a bit special with a silly hat on when can you right?

Afterwards it was nice to connect once more with former colleagues and students and say a thank you to my supervisor.

My name and thesis title in the programme...immortalized forevermore ....

Oh and drink a glass (or two) of wine!

The hat had enough by this point.....

Proud Mama-Bear.

What Graduation also did for me was at once draw a line under things, end that chapter. (I have the certificate, you'll have to pry it from my cold dead hands before I give it back. And I'll bite) But it also allowed me to leave on happy terms with my University. Already I have been missing it, on moving elsewhere after 7 years. And lord knows there are faults, and I have no rose tinted glasses, but I also have a fondness and appreciation for it that some distance brings.

What the moments with former students, and the immense pride I felt at seeing them, and others I'd worked with in my support worker capacity, showed me is that's where my instincts and passions lie. To sit there and think in the most small way I helped them get there. That is as worthwhile as my own degree. I'll be honest and say it's given me a really sad day today. It's a terrible thing to realise once again that you know what you're really good at, and not be able to do it. Those students made it worth while when I taught them, and that's what I took away from graduation too. It's what you're able to give back in academia that is just as important as you're own work. More so. I'm the academic I am because of the students I taught as much as the work I did. So the come down from Graduation was a little more hard than I thought. I quoted Cabin Pressure at the start of this, and I'm reminded of Martin's speech about flying that I keep pinned next to my desk. In the radio soap opera Martin tries and fails to be a pilot, he's not naturally good, much like me and academia. And he says 'That's why you'd be lucky to employ me, because if you're not naturally good....then you have to be a perfectionist. And that's why, even when you've turned me down, I'm going to keep on applying. Because flying is the perfect job and I won't settle for a life where I don't get to do it.'

And I made it this far, being 'a Martin' I walked across the stage. I did that hardest thing. And likewise I'll keep on trying. Because I got this far, it can only get better now. Because I got my silly hat.

Afterwards I continued celebrating with Mum, a few more pictures are bellow. And then I went home and watched one of my favourite episodes of 'The X Files' without which I wouldn't have got my silly hat. Where's the link? I'm sure some of you know, but I'll save that for the next blog which is 'So how did I get here?' (and another which I've promised for over a year about how Dana Scully made me the woman I am...)

In the meantime, here's me tired, and happy at the end of the day....to all my fellow PhD's keep going, because if I can get to the silly hat day, you all can too.