Back in November it was the first anniversary of my viva. I wanted to write a refection of things a year on, but really struggled to articulate anything coherent on the subject.
In part this is because actually the viva isn't the end, and actually with corrections and everything else it actually didn't really feel like it was over, over until my graduation the following July. As that July also coincided roughly with the start of my first "real" post PhD job that's when things felt like they moved into the next chapter.
Or did they? it's hard to tell. Truth be told I feel like I'm still waiting for a 'real' post-PhD life to begin. And I think that has to do with not being where I want to be, and struggling to figure that out.
And the truth of the matter is for the last 6 months I've been the most unhappy I've ever been in my life. I've tried and tried to put a positive spin on it. But when I've found myself in tears several times a week, incredibly unhappy in my job and trying to come to terms with my failure as an academic while figuring out what on earth I'm supposed to do next, it's pretty hard to find a silver lining.
And after 4 years of fighting so hard to finish the PhD, I honestly don't have any fight left.
The other thing I've found is that people are all to quick to tell you what you're doing wrong: not publishing enough, taking the wrong job (despite pressuring you in the first place to take the job, any job that keeps an tiny foothold in the hallowed ivory tower) where you should be looking for a job (academic of course, no other options exist) how you should be using every second of this job (and your spare time) otherwise you'll never get another job. Etc. Etc.
Nobody within academia ever stops you to ask what you want to do.
What I do know is that where I want to be is not in academia. Which is tough when currently in a University job (non academic, as many are quick to remind me)
I also want to say one very important thing:
I am a failed academic.
And follow it up with something equally important:
And that's ok.
Academia is very quick to fail people in every sense of the word. Academia is quick not to support people, to at best neglect them, at worst sabotage them so that they fail. What academia and academics don't like is letting people go who've failed. There's a mentality that you're not allowed to walk away, even when people are telling you that you're not worth the oxygen on campus, but somehow you should still want to hang on to the bitter end. That's not for me. I prefer to know when I'm beaten and walk away, find something that not only I might be good at but that I might be happy in.
But it's not an easy move to make. From within these voices tell you that you're wrong to want to leave (while simultaneously complaining about academia I might add) Add to this the voices from outside asking "Well you've done all this studying, what are you going to do with it?" as well as the employers who simultanously see you as over qualified and under qualified.
It's so tempting just to keep on the treadmill, to keep poking at acadmemic jobs because at least on paper it looks like I'm qualifed, and at least I can console myself with just how bad the job market is, as to why I don't get anywhere.
But getting out is hard. Finding a way to use your skills and an employer willing to consider those skills is one thing. But so is re-training a brain that's been conditioned to think that only one way lays success.
So yes I've done a lot of crying over the last 6 months-more than all of my PhD I'd be willing to bet. But I've also done a lot of work. I've done my best to network, I've taken on projects and written like I'm running out of time. I've read a lot about how to sell my skills elsewhere, how to adapt to being someone 'with a PhD' that someone somewhere might want.
I don't think I'm asking for miracles. I'm a bloody hard worker-I've worked since I was 15 and taken any and every job I could get my hands on to earn a living and gain skills-I've done every customer service job going, I've done every crappy office job going, and I've taught and taught. All I want is a job that engages my brain and lets me feel useful.
If I'm making a wish list I want a job that has the following:
1. Writing.
2. Not a 9-5 office job.
3. Some form of 'teaching' involved.
4. Using research skills.
5. Working with people outside of the organisation.
Some combination of the above. I'm not built for a 9-5, and I do well working in a teaching/public facing position-if I solely only work with the same people I want to staple things to them. I'm good at talking, engaging and generally working with people.
In an ideal world I'd write and nothing else. But until I can have a dream job I'm more than happy to do anything-always have been. I just don't want to cry on the way home every day.
*a note, should anyone read this with malicous intent: my current job is a fixed term contract to June. 6 months is a reasonable time-frame to be laying groundwork for a career change which is what this post represents. My unhappiness in my current position has been discussed frankly with my current managers therefore this post also includes nothing not already known to them.
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