A year on the 'Alt-Ac' Track

I'd say forgive the Americanism in the title, but I think it's a good phrase, and one in Britain we haven't coined an alternative for. In case you don't know 'alt-ac' or 'alternative academic' is a descriptor for jobs within academia in the broader sense- those that aren't 'traditional' academic roles of lecturer or researcher. Personally I believe that perhaps we shouldn't think in such narrow terms as 'this' or 'alternatively this' with a PhD, but more on that at the end.

I graduated almost a year ago, and about a month before, I started my first full time job since finishing the PhD. In a University, but not as an academic. That job ended last week as my fixed term contract ended, so now seemed as good a time as any to reflect on the first year post-PhD and a year in an alt-ac (alternative academic, jobs in Universities that aren't traditional 'academic' roles) role.

Firstly, I will say this: this year was the hardest I have ever had. Given the option of re-doing my last year of PhD or re-doing this last year, I'd take the PhD. And it only takes a glimpse over this blog (or passing association with a PhD) to know that says something.

I've wrestled with how to write this blog. I don't want to be rude to my former colleague/employer (indeed I have no reason to) but I also don't want to be anything but brutally honest.

So let's lay it out honestly. This year I cried more than I think I ever have. I spent more times hiding in toilets trying to get my shit together and get back to my desk than I care to remember. I cried driving to work, I cried driving home. I cried walking the streets of New York on my first holiday in 4 long years, because I already couldn't face going back. I spent more sleepless nights than my PhD ever gave me.

This year was hard for so many reasons, some related to the situation of the job, some to shifting my head from one set of things to another. 

The job was within research development/funding. Not a field I'd ever envisioned myself in, but the particulars of this role meant it was suited to my particular field/experience. And by the end of my year's contract I could genuinely see the potential, and find the interest within the job that could/should have been there at the start. But as ever with a new position as this was, it takes time to bed in, and unfortunately when a new position is a year fixed term by the time things start gaining traction it's over. Add to this a whole lot of logistical and instructional hurdles that are nobody's fault, but all those in HE will be familiar with and it was, for the first 6 months in particular a really very difficult role. 

Add to this an academic going into an office that is predominantly filled with non-academics. It's like cats and dogs at times-neither quite understands the other and is a bit suspicious, neither is wrong or means the other any harm and they can be friends but neither is quite sure what to do with the other. Added to that research development support can be quite fractionalised into 'What those crazy academics think they can do' vs 'What support staff think is realistic'. Putting an academic into that role has its advantages-knowing how academics think, what they want from a project etc., but it also means that person (me) tends to think like the crazy academics. I also have a real problem with the monetarisation/business driven model of Universities so this was far from the best environment to be in day to day. That and fighting a losing battle- my role with humanities academics was never going to bring in 'big bucks' research money, meaning everything felt like such a struggle. 

I struggled personally, I'm not ashamed to admit. It has been a long time since I was in a traditional office environment, and that combined with years in the arts/academia meant I was used to being with my fellow oddballs and not cooped up with those oddballs for 8 hours a day. I felt like I had to pretend to be normal, that I had to hide much about myself for fear of everyone hating me and my life being miserable. Well lesson learned, it was miserable for a time anyway so you might as well be you. I still don't think office life long term is for me, but in the future I'll let office life take me as I am from the start and I'm sure I'll be the happier for it. 

Then there's the feeling of being on the outside looking in. Of hearing about exciting research projects you'll never be a part of. Of feeling like you're 'just support staff'. Not that for a single second a member of academic staff made me feel that way, they were all universally lovely, appreciative and interested in my work before this. I'll say it again, not once did an academic in my workplace make me feel any lesser for not being in an academic role. All of them appreciated the work I did, and that it was a challenging and valuable role. I wish I could say the same for academics elsewhere, those for whom the only marker of success is securing a full time academic post or better yet to be seen sacrificing your sanity, finances and anything else in the attempt to get one. Because for some there is no alternative: only full academic or failure. 

A pause as well for the academic who went out of their way to tell me that the reason I was a failure as an academic is because I, and I quote "Don't want to play the funding game". To which I answered "Funny that, because currently a University pays me to do exactly that". Thankfully such idiotic ideas are far between, but as ever the village idiot has the loudest voice. 

Now this might have been in some respects the hardest year imaginable, but as the saying goes what doesn't kill you makes you stand up at the end and say a big fat: up yours you pretentious idiots to those aforementioned academics. 

Because yes, it was a hard thing to get my head around. Do I still struggle with that? the feeling that I didn't quite "make it" somehow? yes, every day. But that doesn't mean I'm any "less" or any kind of a "failure". Is what I did this year for me as a long term career plan? probably not. Am I damn good at it? You bet. 

Oh and you know what else? I still spoke at a conference and finished two publications this year. And I really wasn't trying to keep up output-just the opposite. Imagine what I could do if I was trying. 

All of that while making a good wage for the first time in 4 long years, and working a reasonable working week. 

Alongside my academic outputs I wrote copious amounts for non-academic publications, re-worked a play, did some theatre post-show talks, put wheels in motion for some future creative endeavours went on 3 holidays (this I admit was excessive, but I was making up for lost time) and, oh, had a social life for the first time in years. 

When I write it down I can see on balance it was a good move. It's good for my CV- let's face it nobody sees development/funding experience as a bad thing. On a personal level I got to hit pause for a year and recover from the PhD as well, and I truly appreciate that I was lucky to keep a foot in the academic world immediately after my PhD. It felt like a year's grace-not having to decide that second whether to plough on with no income in the hope an academic fairy godmother would appear and help me kick start a career. 

We should not underplay either the significance of being able to earn a living wage. It's terribly un-British I know to talk about money, but after 4 years of zero hours’ low pay contracts I cannot tell you the relief to know that the same amount of money, and an amount that was more than enough to cover bills, was going into my bank account each month. In academia, much like the arts, much is made of 'sacrifices to be made' in order to get ahead. Well you know what? I'm 31 years old, I'm very much over the 'bohemian' lifestyle, and while I'm not looking to buy an Audi or holiday in the Bahamas, I'll take paying my bills over being 'worthy' any day. 

So is alt-ac for me? very possibly. I worked in a University before doing my PhD and during in different departments, so it wasn't like going in cold. Is my future in the same sort of role? possibly not, though I was accidentally good at it. My passion has always been students and teaching though so my ideal alt-ac job would be within student services or similar. Will I stay in Higher Education forever? again possibly/probably not, but that is a natural evolution I think rather than a desire to escape right this second. 

Is that it for a 'real' academic role then? well never say never as with anything. I have another post to write on that in more detail. There will always be I think, at least for a while, that sense of nagging shame that you haven't done the thing you're supposed to. And it is harder to deal with from within academia, you do sometimes feel like you're looking through the sweetshop window but you aren't allowed to go in. But the thing is actually you are, you can still attend conferences, write articles etc. etc. if you wish. Is it harder? yes. Academics work more hours than me yes, but they have a flexibility of working that those of us in the 9-5 alt-ac departments don't. So it's harder, but not impossible. 

But that said, I have a very finite list of academic things I want to do, and a very long list of other things I want to do. In working in an alt-ac job I get to work at those things in my spare time, I get a (semi) secure job and I get to use skills and knowledge from the PhD. 

At the moment I'm unemployed, as my contract ended, which is obviously less than ideal. But this year has given me options, it's given me time to think. 

It's also shown me I'm tougher than I thought. The PhD really broke me down, and at times this job broke me down further. But I toughed it out, and I came out stronger, more assured of who I am and who I want to be. Right now I'm having days of deep insecurity and uncertainty again, but it'll pass. To go full circle back to the play I studied for my PhD "The world only spins forward".