Disappointed in myself (job search continues)

I don't even know what to call this blog, so I went with the above because it's how I'm feeling right now. 

"What are you leaving to do?"

"Nothing"

I had variations of that conversation for weeks before the end of my job. Now I'm having similar but different:

"Oh so have you got something lined up then?"

"No" 

Each followed by awkward silence. Or worse the suggestion that I can now "Do something you really want to do"

Firstly, thanks because previously obviously I was deliberately trying to do things I really didn't want to. Secondly, yes, I'll just snap my fingers and a dream job will be invented/appear. 

So no, 2 weeks after finishing my job (yes I had plenty of notice it was ending, yes it did occur to me to look for a job before it ended funny enough) and I'm no closer to finding another job. I spend much of my day searching for, bookmarking and more often than not having to reject jobs for various reasons. (Part time salaries that aren't enough to live on, actually not being qualified when looking at the job description, sometimes the revelation the employer is actually an evil warlord, or Trump.) And as ever, like today, end the day in tears of frustration. 

And yet that's not the worst part. Job hunting, I can do, I know job hunting all too well. Being of that lucky generation that seems to hit every possible barrier to gainful employment, fixed term and zero hour contracts have long been my friends and enemies. I get the job hunt. I know I write a decent application; I know I interview well. It's finding something to damn well apply for in the first place that is the issue. 

This is in part due to an increasingly dire employment market. It's due to being over and under qualified. It's due to employers being able to be incredibly fussy about who they take due to sheer supply and demand. I know all this, I've been there done that many times, and something does indeed always come up. 

Except this time, it's different. It isn't just another job this time is it? This time it's accepting and attempting to move on from the fact that everything I've tried to do I've failed at. It's about accepting that I will never be an academic (you can read all about my failure here if you so please here ). It's about realising that after years of trying to get a foothold in the arts/in theatre that it's time to accept that will never happen also. 

The latter partly because I'm just so tired of the fight, and at 31 I'm not willing or able to live off 10k a year again, I'm just not. I've done that. I can't afford to sustain a starving academic/starving artist lifestyle is that I don't have a partner or parents who can support me to do so. So taking the unpaid work, the barely paid work for that foot in a door just isn't an option anymore. 

I also know that I do have transferable skills. I do have a lot of professional experience. I'm a qualified experienced teacher for one, I have lots of administrative experience, I'm a skilled and experienced researcher, I have development and fundraising experience, I'm an experienced published writer. I can do many things and as a person I have much to offer. My problem is not that I am not/do not think I can offer much to any number of organisations. Probably, who knows until you try. 

But there is so much pressure for this move, if this is the move to the great 'something else' to count. And everything else feels as much a failure as my inability to do what I set out to do. 

And figuring all this out, now once again from scratch is hard. I'd always had options, I was going to do academic jobs. Or I was going to work in the arts. Or a combination. I've failed at both of those things and it's now a case of starting completly from nothing. And honestly I have no clue anymore what I should even try to do. Which is fine when you have the security of a job for the moment, but less so when you really needed a job a month ago. And when the pressure is building from all sides to have the answer to the immortal and incredibly irritating question "So what do you REALLY want to do" 

Because it is a failure in my eyes. I cry when I remember that I will probably never teach again. I get really, really depressed when I think my future is a 9-5 office job-I trained as a teacher and did my PhD because 6 years ago I knew without a doubt that kind of job wasn't for me. And yet now it seems to be my only option. Except I can't even seem to find anything there I can apply to. 

If I was to describe it all with one word it would be 'disappointment'. That is disappointment in myself, for not being good enough to achieve anything I wanted to. For not trying harder or figuring things out quicker. 

And I want to stress none of this is because I think highly of myself or think I 'deserve' some kind of magical perfect job. Not in the least. I've done dozens of jobs before just to get by- I served drinks at a bar not just to, but alongside my students at one point- I have no pride where a job to pay the bills is concerned. Today I’ve sent off applications to well known coffee chains and to temp agencies. In order to get by work is work and I’m fine with that. It’s the pressure on a career that is slowly breaking me.  

All I do have is a sense that I wanted to, and have worked so hard so far, do a job that I could be passionate about or enjoy, or feel a sense of achievement in. Just a job to be happy in. I've gone after everything I thought I could to try and make that a reality, and I've found myself once again with nothing. So I'm disappointed in myself. 

I do plan a more enjoyable, lighthearted look at what I'd you know REALLY want to do next time around. But after a frustrating week, this was more where my head and blog space was at.