It's Pride month and sometimes it feels like being beaten over the
head with a Rainbow Flag. Especially when you still aren’t quite sure where
you fit in.
Pride is great. Pride means
different things to different people.
For me Pride is always first and foremost about the battles that
went before, and the battles still to be fought and won. It’s about honouring
those we have lost, who fought for our community, and those who are still here
who led the way.
What it’s also about for me is being seen. About being visible. And
for those of us comfortable being vocal, being visible for those outside the
LGBT+ community to see we are just people. And for those who might be
struggling to have people like them just to see.
This blog is about a few things. It's about making Pride about what you need it to be. It's about not fitting in. About labels.
Being bisexual is sometimes exhausting. A bit outside a community
a bit in it. But moreover, having relationships feels like a minefield.
Let’s talk about labels. When I was 17 I called myself Pansexual.
I used that term because. Because I heard Alan Cumming describe himself as that
and a) I fancied him b) I thought he was one of the coolest people around. Both
a & b are still true.
I’ve been and out and proud bisexual woman since I was 17 and told my best (male) friend as much and he did the typical 17-year-old boy thing of telling me ‘that’s really hot’. Well at least it set me up for a lifetime of hearing that. I've told myself for 15 years I'm not bothered by biphobia, bierasure and that sense of not fitting in. But really. Honestly that's not true.
Ironically today I label myself Bisexual, a label that the
community at times it feels would like to erase. To which I say ‘bisexual’ is
only transphobic if you’re a shitty transphobic person. Because when a person
tells me their gender I accept it and don't ask what gender they were born
before we continue speaking/flirting. And the term ‘Bisexual’ is an
important label to many people. So, I’ll fight for it.
It’s not news that Bisexuals get a rough deal. There’s erasue of
our identity from within the community, denial of it inside and out. The idea
that we’re slutty, the idea we should just ‘pick a side’. And let me tell you I
wish I could.
I can’t tell you the number of times I wished I could just ‘be gay’
and feel like a ‘proper’ member of our community. Isn’t that strange, you’d
think if I was wishing for stuff I’d be wishing to be straight? Have my whole
life easier. But I think it’s because I knew deep down I’d never be ‘in step’
with the straight community.
And back to labels, though a part of me abhors that, I think I’ve
finally found labels that describe me. I’ve always felt like a freak because I’m
not driven by relationships. I don’t seek them out. I don’t date much. And no,
to put it bluntly I don’t seek out sex either. It’s just never been a driver
for me. My straight friends in particular never understood. For most of them firstly
seeking sex when we were younger, and later seeking longer-term sex in the form
of relationships was always a driver. TV and film and books tells us we should
always be seeking if not a relationship then at the very least sex.
And I just never have. I wondered if it was prudishness (nope).
Insecurity (nope, I’m a pretty confident date as it happens). It’s just….not
something I want. And yet….
I do however fall for people often. Romanticized dreaming and fantasies
that usually (always) comes crashing down around me.
It turns out there’s an element of asexuality about me. To be
precise demisexul. Which means, roughly
“A demisexual is a person who does not experience sexual
attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone. It's
more commonly seen in but by no means confined to romantic relationships. The
term demisexual comes from the orientation being "halfway between"
sexual and asexual.” (thank you Wikipeidia)
So great. Just fucking great. I’m bisexual so not properly gay or
straight. And I’m demi sexual not properly asexual either.
All of this is a struggle. I’m really scared to put this out
there. Because how do you date like this? Who wants the half and half. I feel
like damaged goods. And I don’t feel proud. I feel broken. I couldn’t be
properly gay, I couldn’t be properly either asexual or just normal. I feel like
the thing nobody will want. How do you date like that? Who will want you?
These are questions I have to ask myself, as I approach new labels I'm not sure I'm comfortable with. That I'm not sure I'm proud of yet. I know I'm not. I still feel wrong, weird. Broken. For someone who never felt that way about being Bi, that's a new feeling.
It feels a bit like (bear with and don't attack) when I was diagnosed with the chronic illness I have: it explained so much but didn't immediatly make it easier to live with. But in time, I adjust, and I understand my body, my illness. As eventually I'll understand this.
And as I spiral towards my 5th midlife crisis I still wonder….does
this mean I’ll never have anyone?
And how in Pride Month do you be proud of that? Ending up a bunch
of things you sure as hell didn’t ask for and can’t change. But that nobody
else will want either.
Which brings me to my conclusion: What flag do I get to wave?
Well frankly the Rainbow one. Because that Rainbow flag stands for
inclusion. And I will stand there in
Pride month and wave my Rainbow flag. Because I might still find it hard. But others
find it harder.
The best piece of advice I heard as a young gay (ish) was from
Russell T Davies who said ‘You never stop coming out’ and you don’t. I’m not
obligated to discuss my sexuality with everyone, but I shouldn’t have to hide
it.
Now regular people don’t need to know all my labels and sub
labels. All they need to know is I belong under that Rainbow flag. And that if
I want I can wave my Bisexual flag too, and an asexual one.
I don’t need all the labels at once. Nobody else certainly does. But
I am proud to wave my flag.
A lot of this video was inspired by Youtuber Evan Edinger and these two videos, I don't share the exact same experiences and thoughts but his thoughts led me to write this post so here are the videos:
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