First for anyone not familiar it was a long, difficult road. Not least the corrections period. I had a very finicky external examiner who was convinced any typo that slipped through mine and 4 proof reader's radar's was a personal affront to him. However it got there, it got handed in. And I didn't throw it at anyone in the process.
At the time I still considered academia an option. I wasn't as entirely sold on the idea as I had been, but putting that down to well, doing a PhD and getting to the end. Failing to secure an academic post (surprise surprise for someone who started in 2010 just when the impact of the 2008 financial crash was starting to seep in and the long established cracks in the academic machine starting to show). But let's face it I never stood a chance.
I had a terrible PhD experience. I was convinced to take up a PhD at my institution by someone whose motives I now question. An older man who seems to enjoy holding power over younger women. In moves I can retrospectively see more clearly, existing issues were blown up bigger so that he could come in and 'rescue' the situation. A troubling mix from the stark.
But as a first generation University attendee, never mind PhD, I had no real steer other than what I bumbled through myself. I took the option I had despite not being a great fit for my subject, because it offered employment and a chance to live at home. 4 hard years followed. Some of the difficulties were simply beyond any one's control- reshuffles in the University, people leaving posts the usual upheaval. Other issues were more personal, like the PhD supervisors who first hated each other, playing me off in their own power games, then in turn me. It was by the end an unmitigated disaster.
But I loved my research. I loved teaching more than anything and I even still had faith in HE and what in the right hands it could do. And I loved my work. It was a passion project from the start. Still is.
Months of part time temporary work had followed the viva in student support. I loved that job. I loved working hands on with students and making a difference. But it's not a job you can make a living in- how ridiculous but like most caring roles the government and Universities don't see it fit to spend money on. And so I took a job in Research Development. Another Alt- Ac route. And having come from academic admin before the PhD I wasn't snobbish like some PhDs can be about that work. I know how important support roles in Universities are, and still do. However...
If I had to re-live the last hellish year of PhD or that year in development, I'd choose the PhD every time. To quote one of my PhD texts 'That's how bad'. I was, on the whole extremely valued by my academic colleagues, and well supported. However the team I was placed in either had a natural dislike for academics in general (worrying choice of career if so) or just me personally. It was hellish, and frustrating. And also felt a bit like peering over the fence watching the other kids play. Being a part of academic just not really.
And of course the fixed term contract wasn't renewed. Except it was. Just 5 months after I left, and at half the time (and money). And of course nobody I worked with bothered to tell me. I found out from Facebook, that my old job was now available again. To quote my Mother at the time 'Wow they really don't like you do they'. It seems not.
By this time I'd taken another job, which I'm still a temp in but still in. It's a step down in status, and in money. It's not a job that I am particularly good at (this isn't anything I don't freely admit in work) and it's not one I intended to stay in for long (again, employers and colleagues well aware, the temp arrangement suiting everyone currently). It is adjacent to the work I'd like to be doing.
But above all even in the hellish Alt-Ac job, and now there's a sense of freedom. It scares me that yes it's been 2 years since I did any 'real' academic work. But I've done so much else. Because I had freedom to.
A year ago I turned down an academic job interview. One of the few I'd ever been granted. Truth be told I was simply breaking down and couldn't face it. But I also gave myself a year to try other things. To see where things take me.
Now truth be told they haven't taken me that far yet. I'm still in a job I'm not thrilled with. I'm not entierly sure what kind of job is even on the horizon for someone like me. But I've done so much else. I've written plays and had them performed. I've written reviews and articles and loved it. I've got to fufil a dream and be a part of the National Theatre's production of Angels in America.
And I've got to live my life. I got to enjoy the last two years my lovely dog was with us, and go for walks. I get to soon (hopefully) adopt a new doggy and enjoy them. I see friends,I've made so many new friends. I go to the theatre. I have time.
Now don't get this wrong. I work damn hard. I got to work full time and 4 nights a week and a weekend day I spend working on something. I take time off work to do other work. I'm forever chasing my tail. It's exhausting. But underneath it all I feel like I'm chasing passions again. And yes there are days it feels hopeless and it'll never happen even if I knew what it was. Which I don't. But to quote Tony Kushner there is an ethical obligation to hope. And so I do.
Finally it feels like I've finally stopped. After years of fighting. I just stopped. And it's scary when a thousand academic voices are shouting at you from the void that you must never stop. Yet I did. And nobody died.
My book will get written. I will attend a conference or two if I feel like it. I'll find another job. I always do. Meanwhile there are other passions to chase. There are new adventures to be had. My PhD got me to this point and I'm grateful to it. In one respect it gave me the guts and yes the cheek, after everything I went through to put myself out there. We grew up together, but we've now grown apart.
There's a song I listen to whenever I need calming down- which is frequently- from Groundhog Day the musical. Called 'Seeing You' and it's about when Phil finally realises what he has in front of him. And it always reminds me of stopping this endless chase.
"I used to think the only way to better days was through tommrorow"
And when he says;
"And I'm here. And I'm fine"
I think, you know what Phil, so am I. I'm an academic outcast. And I'm here. And I'm fine.
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