Jobs, Failure and Fight.

This blog has been brewing for a while but was inspired today by Twitter friend Tracey Sinclar  and her blog 'Shame Fear and the Freelance Hustle' which I actually read twice because it resonated too much. I won’t step on her toes by rehashing it, but Tracey deals eloquently with the idea of imposter syndrome, shame and generally feeling like you are not where you ought to be (even if you’re doing great).

And it's something I've thought a lot about lately. The Idea of never being quite enough. A hangover from Academia? certainly. A symptom of Millenial life? for sure. A personal trait of perfectionism? of ambition? sure. But there is this endless sense of failure to be enough no matter how hard I work. And the sense that somehow I'm not working enough. And I'm not entirely sure how to do anymore. 

What I’ve been thinking a lot about lately is both the exhaustive cycle of job hunting and that in trying to break that feeling that you’re both a failure and not good enough all at once. And feeling like you’ve been left behind for your age. For where you should be in life.

I feel like I constantly have to prove that I’m working hard enough. And that I’m not someone who has no experience and has done nothing expecting miracles. That I’m not just ‘messing about’ and that what I do is work. And that I work hard at it. And it’s exhausting. Because still I feel like I’m banging on doors that remain firmly closed. And when do you stop? Concede defeat and take whatever fate offers and try and live something resembling a normal life?

On world mental health week I wrote some tweets about the impact of long term job hunting. I can’t say long term unemployment because I’ve always managed to scrape by on temping, Christmas retail and other bits- so the longest I’ve been out of work was 2.5 months, which was ironically a forced mental health break after Murder Admin job.

But it is exhausting. I haven’t ever had a contract longer than a year, aside from my PhD teaching. And even that was renewed year on year and wasn’t a given in terms of hours and income. I have lived with continually uncertainty and near continuous job hunting for most of the last decade. I have lived with a constant state of job hunting for two years. And it is exhausting.

And it is soul destroying.

The obvious element is the perpetual failure. The putting yourself out there, only to get knocked back. The ‘feedback’ that becomes a catalogue of your failures. Most often that you cannot do anything about. If I get told one more time that I need ‘more experience of x’ when x is the job I’m applying for in order to get more experience.

And let’s park for a moment the decade of experience in everything from Admin to Project Management, to Teaching to all the shitty customer service jobs and ‘paying my dues’ that I did to get this far. I am a capable, experienced, and yes a highly qualified person. And I shouldn’t have to justify the former or apologise for the latter.

But job hunting is exhausting in its relentlessness. And so is the life of fixed-term contracts. No sooner is one begun than you’re looking for the next. And it leaves you in a perpetual state of flux.

The constant feeling of life being on hold. Waiting for the ‘next’. It’s the ‘well I better not plan to…’ just in case a job comes through. It’s the ‘what if I have to move’ that holds you back from life. From planning things. From doing things. Hand on heart I can say part of my reluctance to get involved in relationships includes (but is not limited to) the perpetual sense of ‘well what if I have to move away to get a job, it’s too complicated, it’s not worth it’

And you feel like you never progress. In life as well as career. Because the question of ‘what next’ hangs over us.

And it’s a fight. And it feels personal. I failed as an academic, and I cannot for love bribery or sheer bloody determination yet persuade the theatre world I’m worthy of their time of day. Do I want a ‘proper job’…possibly not. What is one anyway? But I feel the pressure nonetheless. To not fail. Whatever that it also.

Yes, I took a leap 2 years ago. On losing my last full time (but fixed term) job. Or moreover, I made a vow- not to take another long-term time full-time job for the sake of having a full-time long term job. I wanted to break the cycle of one shitty job that wasn’t leading anywhere to another. But also, on trying to carve something out of what I really want in life.

And every time you feel like you've made a friend in solidarity, one who understands where you are in life...they leap frog over you to something super awesome instead. And you're sat left behind again. And I never resent another person's success. But it doesn't mean it can't break your heart sometimes. 

And then there’s the judgment. I didn’t realise until recently it was a thing, but some people do in fact see it as a failing to accept or do so many fixed-term jobs- as if it’s a choice. ‘Well I couldn’t live my life like that’ well bully for you that you don’t have to. I'm in a cyle of two steps forward, ten back. Two years ago I was teaching at the National Theatre...now I'm, well I'm doing nothing much. And it's how it goes maybe. Maybe something is just around the corner. But right now that corner feels pretty bleak and dark and scary. 

And it's lonely. 

I’ve had friends drop me from their lives because they have ‘a proper job now’

And I get it. I’m being left behind because I’m not ‘where I’m supposed to be’

I’m not buying property. Not getting engaged. Not having fancy holidays and dinner parties and whatever the real grown-ups do.

You know why not? Because I’m working. Constantly. Because to try and dig myself out of whatever hole I've ended up in. To try and haul myself over the next hurdle, to even have a shot of...something...it takes work. And yes part of it is passion, and drive and need. But it's also necessity. None of it happens by magic. 

I lost my shit slightly with someone on Sunday night because I couldn’t get an answer on next day plans. Not only does it drive me completely insane when people don’t respond to messages about plans (erm yeah it is rude, ok?) but also because I don’t have set working hours, because I don’t get weekends and Bank Holidays, I need to plan my day. And I’m sick to death of people not valuing my work- and my work time, just because I don’t go to a set place to do it. My work I do for myself, is work. My writing is work. All of my freelancing is work. And the juggle is hard work. But I mostly feel invisible. Like my lack of lanyard and office place makes it ‘not real’…or the lack of visible progress makes it a joke, something I’m playing at that I can drop at will…I feel like my entire work is treated as a hobby sometimes. Something I’m filling unemployment with while I wait for the ‘real job’.

And I see the judgement the ‘you’re 34 just get a real job, just settle for goodness sake’

And there are days when I want to so badly. To have been in this cycle of job rejection, alongside chasing all those things I want for so long. I am truly broken.

And there are days when I feel so badly I’ve failed that I sit sobbing on the floor- that’s not hyperbole, I literally sit sobbing on my floor because I feel so very defeated by it all, and such a failure. 

And there are days when sheer exhaustion means I've got no fight left. And so you sit crying on the floor once again. 

I was also reminded yesterday of a description of dear Jonathan Larson. Who would leave parties at 9pm to go home and write. Who did the bare minimum ‘day job’ hours so he could have all the time he could, literally afford, to do his ‘real job’. And that’s what I’ve been doing. Hour after hour, day after day, trying and trying to inch closer to ….something. And maybe it’s delusional, maybe I’ve no right to. But also this is how I’ve lived for almost a decade now- first with the PhD then with everything after. I don’t know how to not do it, how not to fight.

Even if the fight is exhausting. Even if I feel like an imposter. Even if I feel like it’s a losing battle.

To paraphrase and co-opt a more eloquent writer than I;

I don’t know if it’s braver to give up. But I recognise the habit, the addiction to keeping trying.

I just wish more people understood what it takes some days to do that. And how frightening the idea of stopping is. Because what do you do when you stop fighting?