So today, finally I can say 'buy tickets to my play'
Wow, that's weird to say. Despite working on this particular play with this company for some time...a part of me never really believed I'd see this day. Partly through being a neurotic writer, lacking in any self-confidence, who is predisposed with an anxiety-ridden brain to assume the worst will happen. That suddenly everyone will decide it's actually awful and quit. And partly because at one point there was a brief moment of 'no everything is imploding' (Including, fighting for performance space with a pop-up restaurant...ah Cardiff).
But last week I got to see a sneak peek of what the actors and director had been working on. Things were still rough, still a work in progress...but I sat there with a huge grin on my face. It's a genuine joy to have your own words make you laugh out loud because they've been given a new twist. Or to be moved by the characters who sprang from the depths of your mind, even though you knew what they were going to say. It's even better to be surprised by it, to think 'wow I didn't know it could mean that' or to think, in seeing it fleshed out 'wow I never would have thought of that.' All of that is why I write for the stage- to hand it over and see what someone else makes of it. Most of all, by the end I caught myself swept away and engaged in the story, waiting for the next moment rather than analyzing my own writing. And that's a sign things are looking really good.
It's worth saying how grateful I am to have a team who include a writer. I'm more than happy to hand over how it looks and sounds- that's my job, that's their job and as above, that's why I write for theatre. But to work really collaboratively is to stay involved- to be asked questions, no matter how big or small, to offer help where it can be given, to help tweak things that need tweaking. Like everything in theatre it all works better if we work like that- and we get a better 'thing'.
But also just on a human level, writing is a lonely profession. And sometimes its hard thinking 'everyone is off having fun without me' while you're sat at a computer. So to be included- in auditions, in creative conversations and rehearsals, makes it less lonely, it makes you feel part of a team. More than that though, writing is handing over a little part of you to a group of strangers. It's partly a vulnerability of writing- the idea of taking something from the dark depths of your mind and letting other people see it, and work with it, turn it into something else is a terrifying thing. And it is also that bits of you inevitably end up in what you write. Whether you're writing something worlds away from your own life or not. Bits of you will bleed into the characters, and then other people take them away from you. If you're lucky they give them back more whole than before and do something beautiful. But it's a terrifying thing. And what if, like this play is for me, it's not worlds apart, but at times like tearing out a part of you even more- fragments of your own story meshed up with others until you can't quite tell them apart. What then?
That's a lot of words to say (ever the theatrical child of Tony Kushner) it's hard, and vulnerable and scary as hell to share your work, to have people work on it. But to feel welcome in the 'family' making it, to feel part of it even when you've handed it over. That means the world. (And makes me feel a little less 'mad writer in the attic'). And I've been lucky to have the most wonderful group of dedicated, kind and of course talented actors bringing it to life.
And as for other people seeing it? I'm excited, genuinely. On the day you will likely find me sick with nerves. But I'm excited. The amount of support I've had from friends, both close and the most casual of acquaintance has already been amazing. I haven't taken a single person saying 'I'm coming' for granted and I'm genuinely amazed at the number of people who say they want to come. And just by the number of people being supportive, congratulating me and generally, in an industry where kindness often gets forgotten first, is a truly nice thing.
And with it being performed, given the nature of the industry, there's a weird feeling too of wanting to be dismissive. To say 'oh it's only a little production' 'Oh it's nothing really' especially in the face of everyone else who seems to be doing so much better than you. That you shouldn't really be this excited about a little play...because obviously comparatively it's a drop in the ocean.
But also, why should I wave away and dismiss all the hard work I and several other people have put in? And why shouldn't I (we?) be excited about sharing that? I've always said about everything I write, if one person appreciates it- be that a review, a blog, a book chapter my damn never-ending book, or yes a play...then I've done my job.
One of my favourite slightly obscure musicals is [Title of Show] which is a musical about writing a musical. And the song 'Nine People's favourite thing' sums up how I feel here;
I'd rather be nine people's favourite thing
Than 100 people's favourite thing.
Actually, the whole song is a good message or anyone trying to create something. It's about trying to make a thing you love, out of not much at all. Of knowing you're drowning in a sea of talent, but still believing that what you've got will mean something to someone. (It also includes another musical reference that I, of course, find pleasing).
So you'll find me humming this to myself when my play opens. As the song also says, fittingly for a writer and a play obsessed with cake 'Let our show be the rice crispy treat'
Meanwhile, do go and buy tickets for the play. On in Cardiff 6th and 11th September here
And me and the Director will resume doing what we do best....
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