I'll calm down when I have a reason too (Brexit thoughts)

"Calm down it'll all blow over"

"Don't worry you'll still be able to go on holiday"

In a week of infuriating things thrown about in person and in the media, these are my top two currently. 

Firstly, to quote my (joke) reply to a friend and the title of this post I'LL CALM DOWN WHEN I'M GOOD AND READY (dear). Secondly I'll calm down when someone gives me a reason to calm down. And with the Prime Minister stepped down, Brexit itself in an uncertain mess with Europe saying 'go on then if you're going' and the government seemingly playing rock paper scissors for who gets to push the button, well there's not a lot to be calm about. Oh and did I mention that I can't even mention what the Labour party is up to because by the time I finish writing this more of them may have resigned/forced a leadership battle/decamped to Australia. 

I joke. Well invoke mild sarcasm. But I am truly devastated, confused, angry and yes scared about what the vote to leave means. I say this with no hyperbole. After one Facebook comment hit a nerve to far on Friday I sat in my car and cried. Because for all of us this decision may have very real, very dire consequences. And I only say 'may' because the main fear in all this is that we just don't know. 

Let me say one thing before I continue; this isn't a personal attack on anyone who voted leave. As in any vote I 100% support the democracy and free will that we have, indeed I celebrate it. But with that free will and freedom of speech (freedom of, not abuse of or hate speech) I also retain the right to question and express my dislike for the decision made. Be that by political action of my own (writing to my MP) discussion with friends, family, the internet or by writing my thoughts down. It's also worth noting that it's possible to respect a democratic process and disagree with the outcome: I'm still angry that the Tories got in at the last election, and by saying that I'm not impacting anyone's right to a free vote. 

So this isn't a personal attack, it's a personal response. 

My personal response is based on what I fear for my life, career, for my friends, for the sector/industry I work in, and for the country I was born in. 

I'll start on a personal level. It's not news to anyone who knows me that I'm job hunting. I have been for 7 years working in Higher Education. A sector that is being slowly and surely decimated by government cuts and mis-management from within. Things are already pretty dark in Higher Education. The UK's HE research gets approximately £730 million a year in EU research funding. That's just straight up research funding. That isn't other means of income such as tuition fees, or money that contributes via collaboration on European projects which support UK research and Universities. That figure alone though is around 15% of income. Which doesn't sound like a great deal, but if you translate it to cutting (already struggling) staffing by 15%, or wages by 15% it starts to sound a little higher right?

And it's so much more than the black and white figures. It's the fear of the future this creates, and a reticence to start new research for fear it won't get funded. It means recent graduates won't be employed as the research won't be there to continue. It means a lack of progress. 

And that's before we get to the students. Before we consider the 1000s of EU students who come here to study (and the same for British students to the EU). It's before we consider, yes their fees, but also what they as people bring to the University. It's all the exchange programmes that give such valuable opportunity to young people, which may now be in danger. It's not about student numbers or just about employees (exchange programmes also give many people jobs, as do looking after interests of international students) It's not just about statistics it's about experience. The expereince that has been possible for students across Europe through our open doors. Not just in Higher Education but the change to up and move abroad has been a welcome option for young people on both short and long term basis. And now something many will never know. 

The same with our staff. Those 'immigrants' who are 'stealing' jobs? they are researchers with specialist skills who lift the UK research profile, who make real progress in the world. They are people who are able to contribute in a unique way to research, to collaborate, create and keep progress moving. And they are teaching our students, and bringing with them a cultural insight and a broadening of minds...which, oh wait was always kind of the point of Universities. 

And they are people. People. Let's not forget that. I look around my Facebook feed and I see so many friends from Europe who work here, who live here or who previously studied here, and they are fearful. More than that they are hurt, that we as a nation decided they are somehow defective and not wanted. To those friends I say again, you are wanted, you are needed and there are those of us who will fight with you. 

And then there's the arts. The EU brings millions to the arts. More importantly it allows artists to collaborate. It allows artists to travel, to share their art. And yes while we will probably all be able to go on holiday to Spain still, freedom to work will never be the same. That's all well and good if your big multinational company wants to send you to Germany to work. If you're a theatre company with 6 employees and an arts council grant of £5, 000 that visa to work and travel will be a barrier to sharing your work. 

And then there's Wales. I look at my country, my own piece of the UK and I just ask 'What have you done?'. You only have to take a short drive around some of our most deprived struggling areas to see what the EU has done. Rejuvenated civic spaces, allowing community projects to continue. The South Wales Valleys are full of those little plaques with the EU flag that tell you something there wouldn't exist without the EU. This article  gives a really brief insight into that

And I'm scared. And upset and angry. There are many reasons for wanting to vote leave. Some of them rooted in real concerns, real sense of opportunity in something else, but also far too many of them I fear rooted in xenophobia, unfounded fears around immigration and at times outright racism. I can't speak for anyone who did vote leave, but I can speak of the campaign I personally saw run. And in that campiagn I saw much pandering to those elements. It saw people involved who have previously made clear they support those factors. And that is a scary reality. 

And racist incidents are already on the increase. There are many articles on that floating around, to keep with my locality here is one that focuses on my area. 

So when someone says to "Calm down" or that it'll all be fine because we can still go on holiday, I guess I ask the following questions: 

1. Have our Government figured out a plan yet? because I'd really like there to be a plan. 

2. Can you help me find a job in a sector that was already stretched to breaking point? 

3. Is it fine that our research and University landscape will be changed forever? 

4. What about the arts? do we just wave them goodbye? 

5. What about Wales? what about all the money that made it a better place to live and work? 

6. Can you tell my Czech neighbour, my Dutch friend, my Hungarian colleague that it will be ok? Tell them they won't be deported? Can you stop them getting racially abused as they go about their day? 

If someone can answer me all of those things, then maybe I'll calm down. And then maybe I'll book a holiday as well. You know once I get a job. 

Disappointed in myself (job search continues)

I don't even know what to call this blog, so I went with the above because it's how I'm feeling right now. 

"What are you leaving to do?"

"Nothing"

I had variations of that conversation for weeks before the end of my job. Now I'm having similar but different:

"Oh so have you got something lined up then?"

"No" 

Each followed by awkward silence. Or worse the suggestion that I can now "Do something you really want to do"

Firstly, thanks because previously obviously I was deliberately trying to do things I really didn't want to. Secondly, yes, I'll just snap my fingers and a dream job will be invented/appear. 

So no, 2 weeks after finishing my job (yes I had plenty of notice it was ending, yes it did occur to me to look for a job before it ended funny enough) and I'm no closer to finding another job. I spend much of my day searching for, bookmarking and more often than not having to reject jobs for various reasons. (Part time salaries that aren't enough to live on, actually not being qualified when looking at the job description, sometimes the revelation the employer is actually an evil warlord, or Trump.) And as ever, like today, end the day in tears of frustration. 

And yet that's not the worst part. Job hunting, I can do, I know job hunting all too well. Being of that lucky generation that seems to hit every possible barrier to gainful employment, fixed term and zero hour contracts have long been my friends and enemies. I get the job hunt. I know I write a decent application; I know I interview well. It's finding something to damn well apply for in the first place that is the issue. 

This is in part due to an increasingly dire employment market. It's due to being over and under qualified. It's due to employers being able to be incredibly fussy about who they take due to sheer supply and demand. I know all this, I've been there done that many times, and something does indeed always come up. 

Except this time, it's different. It isn't just another job this time is it? This time it's accepting and attempting to move on from the fact that everything I've tried to do I've failed at. It's about accepting that I will never be an academic (you can read all about my failure here if you so please here ). It's about realising that after years of trying to get a foothold in the arts/in theatre that it's time to accept that will never happen also. 

The latter partly because I'm just so tired of the fight, and at 31 I'm not willing or able to live off 10k a year again, I'm just not. I've done that. I can't afford to sustain a starving academic/starving artist lifestyle is that I don't have a partner or parents who can support me to do so. So taking the unpaid work, the barely paid work for that foot in a door just isn't an option anymore. 

I also know that I do have transferable skills. I do have a lot of professional experience. I'm a qualified experienced teacher for one, I have lots of administrative experience, I'm a skilled and experienced researcher, I have development and fundraising experience, I'm an experienced published writer. I can do many things and as a person I have much to offer. My problem is not that I am not/do not think I can offer much to any number of organisations. Probably, who knows until you try. 

But there is so much pressure for this move, if this is the move to the great 'something else' to count. And everything else feels as much a failure as my inability to do what I set out to do. 

And figuring all this out, now once again from scratch is hard. I'd always had options, I was going to do academic jobs. Or I was going to work in the arts. Or a combination. I've failed at both of those things and it's now a case of starting completly from nothing. And honestly I have no clue anymore what I should even try to do. Which is fine when you have the security of a job for the moment, but less so when you really needed a job a month ago. And when the pressure is building from all sides to have the answer to the immortal and incredibly irritating question "So what do you REALLY want to do" 

Because it is a failure in my eyes. I cry when I remember that I will probably never teach again. I get really, really depressed when I think my future is a 9-5 office job-I trained as a teacher and did my PhD because 6 years ago I knew without a doubt that kind of job wasn't for me. And yet now it seems to be my only option. Except I can't even seem to find anything there I can apply to. 

If I was to describe it all with one word it would be 'disappointment'. That is disappointment in myself, for not being good enough to achieve anything I wanted to. For not trying harder or figuring things out quicker. 

And I want to stress none of this is because I think highly of myself or think I 'deserve' some kind of magical perfect job. Not in the least. I've done dozens of jobs before just to get by- I served drinks at a bar not just to, but alongside my students at one point- I have no pride where a job to pay the bills is concerned. Today I’ve sent off applications to well known coffee chains and to temp agencies. In order to get by work is work and I’m fine with that. It’s the pressure on a career that is slowly breaking me.  

All I do have is a sense that I wanted to, and have worked so hard so far, do a job that I could be passionate about or enjoy, or feel a sense of achievement in. Just a job to be happy in. I've gone after everything I thought I could to try and make that a reality, and I've found myself once again with nothing. So I'm disappointed in myself. 

I do plan a more enjoyable, lighthearted look at what I'd you know REALLY want to do next time around. But after a frustrating week, this was more where my head and blog space was at. 

A year on the 'Alt-Ac' Track

I'd say forgive the Americanism in the title, but I think it's a good phrase, and one in Britain we haven't coined an alternative for. In case you don't know 'alt-ac' or 'alternative academic' is a descriptor for jobs within academia in the broader sense- those that aren't 'traditional' academic roles of lecturer or researcher. Personally I believe that perhaps we shouldn't think in such narrow terms as 'this' or 'alternatively this' with a PhD, but more on that at the end.

I graduated almost a year ago, and about a month before, I started my first full time job since finishing the PhD. In a University, but not as an academic. That job ended last week as my fixed term contract ended, so now seemed as good a time as any to reflect on the first year post-PhD and a year in an alt-ac (alternative academic, jobs in Universities that aren't traditional 'academic' roles) role.

Firstly, I will say this: this year was the hardest I have ever had. Given the option of re-doing my last year of PhD or re-doing this last year, I'd take the PhD. And it only takes a glimpse over this blog (or passing association with a PhD) to know that says something.

I've wrestled with how to write this blog. I don't want to be rude to my former colleague/employer (indeed I have no reason to) but I also don't want to be anything but brutally honest.

So let's lay it out honestly. This year I cried more than I think I ever have. I spent more times hiding in toilets trying to get my shit together and get back to my desk than I care to remember. I cried driving to work, I cried driving home. I cried walking the streets of New York on my first holiday in 4 long years, because I already couldn't face going back. I spent more sleepless nights than my PhD ever gave me.

This year was hard for so many reasons, some related to the situation of the job, some to shifting my head from one set of things to another. 

The job was within research development/funding. Not a field I'd ever envisioned myself in, but the particulars of this role meant it was suited to my particular field/experience. And by the end of my year's contract I could genuinely see the potential, and find the interest within the job that could/should have been there at the start. But as ever with a new position as this was, it takes time to bed in, and unfortunately when a new position is a year fixed term by the time things start gaining traction it's over. Add to this a whole lot of logistical and instructional hurdles that are nobody's fault, but all those in HE will be familiar with and it was, for the first 6 months in particular a really very difficult role. 

Add to this an academic going into an office that is predominantly filled with non-academics. It's like cats and dogs at times-neither quite understands the other and is a bit suspicious, neither is wrong or means the other any harm and they can be friends but neither is quite sure what to do with the other. Added to that research development support can be quite fractionalised into 'What those crazy academics think they can do' vs 'What support staff think is realistic'. Putting an academic into that role has its advantages-knowing how academics think, what they want from a project etc., but it also means that person (me) tends to think like the crazy academics. I also have a real problem with the monetarisation/business driven model of Universities so this was far from the best environment to be in day to day. That and fighting a losing battle- my role with humanities academics was never going to bring in 'big bucks' research money, meaning everything felt like such a struggle. 

I struggled personally, I'm not ashamed to admit. It has been a long time since I was in a traditional office environment, and that combined with years in the arts/academia meant I was used to being with my fellow oddballs and not cooped up with those oddballs for 8 hours a day. I felt like I had to pretend to be normal, that I had to hide much about myself for fear of everyone hating me and my life being miserable. Well lesson learned, it was miserable for a time anyway so you might as well be you. I still don't think office life long term is for me, but in the future I'll let office life take me as I am from the start and I'm sure I'll be the happier for it. 

Then there's the feeling of being on the outside looking in. Of hearing about exciting research projects you'll never be a part of. Of feeling like you're 'just support staff'. Not that for a single second a member of academic staff made me feel that way, they were all universally lovely, appreciative and interested in my work before this. I'll say it again, not once did an academic in my workplace make me feel any lesser for not being in an academic role. All of them appreciated the work I did, and that it was a challenging and valuable role. I wish I could say the same for academics elsewhere, those for whom the only marker of success is securing a full time academic post or better yet to be seen sacrificing your sanity, finances and anything else in the attempt to get one. Because for some there is no alternative: only full academic or failure. 

A pause as well for the academic who went out of their way to tell me that the reason I was a failure as an academic is because I, and I quote "Don't want to play the funding game". To which I answered "Funny that, because currently a University pays me to do exactly that". Thankfully such idiotic ideas are far between, but as ever the village idiot has the loudest voice. 

Now this might have been in some respects the hardest year imaginable, but as the saying goes what doesn't kill you makes you stand up at the end and say a big fat: up yours you pretentious idiots to those aforementioned academics. 

Because yes, it was a hard thing to get my head around. Do I still struggle with that? the feeling that I didn't quite "make it" somehow? yes, every day. But that doesn't mean I'm any "less" or any kind of a "failure". Is what I did this year for me as a long term career plan? probably not. Am I damn good at it? You bet. 

Oh and you know what else? I still spoke at a conference and finished two publications this year. And I really wasn't trying to keep up output-just the opposite. Imagine what I could do if I was trying. 

All of that while making a good wage for the first time in 4 long years, and working a reasonable working week. 

Alongside my academic outputs I wrote copious amounts for non-academic publications, re-worked a play, did some theatre post-show talks, put wheels in motion for some future creative endeavours went on 3 holidays (this I admit was excessive, but I was making up for lost time) and, oh, had a social life for the first time in years. 

When I write it down I can see on balance it was a good move. It's good for my CV- let's face it nobody sees development/funding experience as a bad thing. On a personal level I got to hit pause for a year and recover from the PhD as well, and I truly appreciate that I was lucky to keep a foot in the academic world immediately after my PhD. It felt like a year's grace-not having to decide that second whether to plough on with no income in the hope an academic fairy godmother would appear and help me kick start a career. 

We should not underplay either the significance of being able to earn a living wage. It's terribly un-British I know to talk about money, but after 4 years of zero hours’ low pay contracts I cannot tell you the relief to know that the same amount of money, and an amount that was more than enough to cover bills, was going into my bank account each month. In academia, much like the arts, much is made of 'sacrifices to be made' in order to get ahead. Well you know what? I'm 31 years old, I'm very much over the 'bohemian' lifestyle, and while I'm not looking to buy an Audi or holiday in the Bahamas, I'll take paying my bills over being 'worthy' any day. 

So is alt-ac for me? very possibly. I worked in a University before doing my PhD and during in different departments, so it wasn't like going in cold. Is my future in the same sort of role? possibly not, though I was accidentally good at it. My passion has always been students and teaching though so my ideal alt-ac job would be within student services or similar. Will I stay in Higher Education forever? again possibly/probably not, but that is a natural evolution I think rather than a desire to escape right this second. 

Is that it for a 'real' academic role then? well never say never as with anything. I have another post to write on that in more detail. There will always be I think, at least for a while, that sense of nagging shame that you haven't done the thing you're supposed to. And it is harder to deal with from within academia, you do sometimes feel like you're looking through the sweetshop window but you aren't allowed to go in. But the thing is actually you are, you can still attend conferences, write articles etc. etc. if you wish. Is it harder? yes. Academics work more hours than me yes, but they have a flexibility of working that those of us in the 9-5 alt-ac departments don't. So it's harder, but not impossible. 

But that said, I have a very finite list of academic things I want to do, and a very long list of other things I want to do. In working in an alt-ac job I get to work at those things in my spare time, I get a (semi) secure job and I get to use skills and knowledge from the PhD. 

At the moment I'm unemployed, as my contract ended, which is obviously less than ideal. But this year has given me options, it's given me time to think. 

It's also shown me I'm tougher than I thought. The PhD really broke me down, and at times this job broke me down further. But I toughed it out, and I came out stronger, more assured of who I am and who I want to be. Right now I'm having days of deep insecurity and uncertainty again, but it'll pass. To go full circle back to the play I studied for my PhD "The world only spins forward". 

"Will you move for a job?" and other irritating questions.

Today I came home from work and cried. Not that this is unusual, I'm a known crier. But I cried out of sheer frustration after three conversations about my job hunting and lack of success.

It's no news that job hunting is exhausting. It's no news that it's no fun. What's even more exhausting though is the constant interrogation about it when people know you'll be looking for a job.

Now, there are various types of people in this scenario.

1.  Genuine friends who listen to your answers and make comments/suggestions based on their    knowledge of your situation/personality.
2.  People who genuinely mean well but don't know much about your situation. 
3.  People who want to feel a bit better about themselves

1 and 2 are great. They mean well. 2 can get tiring when people don't get it, but it's not their fault, they genuinely mean well and wish you well. 3 well they're a pain in everyone's butt.

Let me give you an example of a conversation with someone from 1:

Friend: How's the job hunt going? or alternatively tell me to go fuck myself.  
Me: Go fuck yourself. 
(it's worth noting we then did have a real conversation about it, but the point still stands)

An example of 2:

Person: How's the job hunt going? have you tried X and Y thing?
Me: Bit rubbish, it's tough out there. I tried X thing but no luck and Y thing doesn't really help in my field. 
Person: Oh that sucks. Still I'll keep my eye out for you in case I see anything suitable. 

Person 3 however, will inform you of all kinds of 'wisdom' about what you're doing wrong, about where to look for a job, what to do when you apply. As if you never applied for a job in your life.

Person 3 will also make judgments about the kind of job you're suitable for, the kind of job that you're applying for. And many more things.

It's worth noting that none of today's job-interrogators were person 3. They were all well meaning person 2 types, who genuinely (I think anyway) want to see me succeed. But it's exhausting. And in every long conversation someone will utter the words;

"Well are you willing to move?"

Depending on the person type (see above) this is either a well meaning gesture to see if there are opportunities elsewhere. Or in the case of person 3 a judgment on your commitment to the cause of getting a job. Probably I might add having never moved further than the end of the road themselves.

Now let's put something out there: moving for a job is all well and good. But it's not as simple of  'I see a job in yonder field I shall to to it'. In particular being a single young-ish person it's assumed I'll happily bounce from city to city for a job.

But it's not that simple. Firstly, moving costs money. The 100s of pounds it costs in letting fees, deposit and physically moving is either a big investment or a whole lot of debt. Secondly doing all that again in 12, 15, 18 months isn't a practical or pleasant way to live. And given the perpetuation of fixed term contracts, it's likely that's the case.

Secondly I have a life here. I've been here 8 years, I have a life. Making friends and integrating into groups is hard as a grown up. I'm not sure I want to do that again. And as a single woman I would be alone-I'm not taking a partner or family with me. And you're either left with a great job and no life, or worse a job you don't like and no life. It's hard. And I'm an only child of a single, older parent with no extended family. And while my Mum would never stand in my way, that factors in to a decision in ways that people with siblings, two parents and extended family can't understand.

And where do you move to? it's always a gamble. I live in a pretty damn good city. Cardiff gives me culture and amenities, and being close to countryside if that's your thing...and it's a little thing but I can be pretty much anywhere I need to be in half an hour. I just like it here. So sue me.

So "Are you willing to move" isn't so easy. And it isn't as black an white as "If you wanted a career you'd do it"

Yes I want a career, but I also want a life.

And then there's the question of "Well what do you want to do then" well as I talked about in my last blog here I'm coming to terms with not succeeding as an academic, and you know what I don't actually know what to do know. I have some thoughts (which will be my next blog) some more serious than others, some more realistic than others. But honestly, right now, right this second, it's all fallen apart a little bit and I don't know. And some days that's fine, and some days it's terrifying. I feel like I do nothing but make poor choices in my career, and that it's already all too late and I've sacrificed everything for nothing. And I'm terrified of making a wrong decision again. And I grew up never having much money, and so the thought of being really poor always terrifies me. Not in a greedy way, but in the knowledge that you need money for security that comes from having times when there was none. And it's all consuming, and lends itself to fits of extreme anxiety and if I spend too long thinking about it all it's hard to breathe. So a lot of the time I have to force myself not to.

And to do that I try to make peace with it all, I make peace with the frustration and I just have some kind of blind faith that it'll work out. Because it always has, ish. I keep telling people I'll just get a temp job (or three) for a while, and they recoil in horror. But you know worse things have happened, no really they have.

Last week I was reading Matt Haig's brilliant book "Reasons to Stay Alive" and listening to Glee (which is probably proof positive I needed to read that book) and this mash-up came on:

Glee-Survivor/I will Survive

And I remembered that three years ago I started learning that in choir on the Monday. On the Tuesday my (then) best friend got me fired from my job.

Three years later I've got a PhD, held down and been good at and survived two more difficult jobs. Three years ago was job rock-bottom. This, this isn't even close.

So go ahead Person Three, ask me the stupid questions. Imply I'm lazy and not motivated if I don't move to Bolton, or the Shetland Islands for a job, be horrified at my return to temp jobs or a job in Starbucks (don't knock it I loved that job, other coffee multinationals are available...). Because I've been knocked down harder, and more often than this.

And of course if you hear of any jobs do pass them on, it's always appreciated. None of this is to say that genuine help isn't greatly appreciated. And I'm so very grateful for all the genuine offers of keeping an eye out for jobs, for suggestions of places to look. Or just the offer to tell someone to go fuck themselves. In what is undeniably a right shitter of a time in anyone's life, it's the good people that make it all bearable. So that's Persons 1 and 2. You make me less likely to cry.

Coming to terms with academic failure

So the job hunt is in full swing. Except it isn't. Because I've found nothing of substance to apply for, and this is an addition to the (now frankly lengthy) list of my failures. Almost daily I'm being quizzed on how many jobs I've applied for, and which ones. Some from well-meaning sources who probably don't realise the amount of additional anxiety this causes. Others less well meaning, and frankly smug at my apparent lack of effort. It's not through lack of trying, but more being stuck at a crossroads and taking my time to figure out which path to take. 

Because on top of this almost daily reminder of my own ineptitude at magic a job out of thin air I am having to come to terms with my failure as an academic. 

I've written many times on this blog about the struggle with whether to continue in academia. The truth of the matter, and probably what I've spent a year hiding from, is much more simple: I failed as an academic. 

The reasons for failing, as with most things, are many and complex. Had I gone to a better University, had better supervisors I'd probably have stood more of a chance. My choice of University was poor, but so was I and it was the only one I could afford (they offered me enough work to support myself for 3 years...ish). Sadly it's who you know or where you went not what you know. And so despite attending two top Russell Group Universities previously, it's my post- 1992 University where I earned my PhD that gives me a black mark and little hope of finding an academic role. Perhaps I could have waited a few more years, gone somewhere else (I feel compelled to point out I was accepted to two prestigious universities at the time but couldn't afford to go) but then who knows? It is what it is and there's nothing to be done. 

But also I'm to blame I know that, I take responsibility for that. Perhaps I'm not naturally gifted enough to 'make it' perhaps I just didn't try hard enough? I think I did my best. I worked as hard as I could to get the PhD done, I muddled my way through conferences and got better and better. I submitted articles for publication, got rejected, got a bit better and eventually have a couple I think will make it to publication. I'm reminded that I know I'm a good writer, just perhaps not a good academic. 

I failed at the networking. I don't seem to have the gift to get in with the right people. Or to even know who the right people or the right actions are. I never had a mentor, not someone to open doors but someone to show me which doors to try. Instead I've been bumbling around making poor choices and trying to beat down the wrong doors. 

And I feel the eyes of fellow post-docs on me. I feel their pitying judgement at the fact that I gave up even before I graduated by taking a non-academic post in a University (again I was poor I had no choice, and it was more money than I've ever earned before). I feel their judgement at all the work I've put in to non-academic pursuits here. All the articles I've written for non-academic sources, no work but academic work is worth doing they say. All the work I've done trying to get a foot in the door with other areas, because having a backup plan is already giving up, a sign of failure. All the holidays (well 2) and weekends off I've taken, because real academics and especially those trying to be one shouldn't take a day off. And maybe then it's a good thing to get out, to escape that attitude. 

And it is true that I say I don't think I want that life. That I don't want to spend another 5, 10 years waiting for a job. Or bouncing from one part-time fixed term job to another. Or worse to just keep applying for years and failing. To hang on with hourly paid lecturing and temp work in the vain hope that a full time job will emerge. 

And I like having a say over what my life is again. I like writing for and about things I want to. I like having evenings and weekends to do things. I like a work life balance. What I don't like is the judgement of academic 'friends' that it's giving up without a fight, or that it's confirmation I just never had it. 

But that doesn't mean it isn't hard. Imagine training for anything for 4 years and then not being able to do it. Imagine thinking that this was what you were going to do, putting everything you had into it (and I did, I really did) and it not being enough. I love teaching, and teaching in a University was the best job I've had. It's also not 'cool' to say that as an academic, it's supposed to be the thing you 'endure' to do the 'real' work. But I did love it and I miss it. I also to a degree enjoy research and writing. I do lack the natural talent for academic writing that I, without ego, say I have in other styles of writing. But still it's a job where research, writing and teaching come together. And I enjoy that. But I'm not good enough at the way that world wants me to do it, I don't fit somehow. Simply I'm not good enough. 

And it's hard to admit. And it's harder still to know that others are whispering about you. When they say 'well never mind you didn't really want to do it' that doesn't mean I wouldn't have liked the chance to find out. To feel that others are saying 'well we knew she never really had it' breaks down an already broken confidence. 

And to spend so long singularly chasing one thing, the question of 'what now?' is terrifying. With every job I look at (and determine I'd be rejected from) I ask myself 'I did all that work for this?' and it's not out of snobbery. I don't think I'm better than any job. But like a highly trained chef who ends up taking a barista job at a coffee shop, you end up asking 'All that for this?'

Failure is a hard thing to accept, and an even harder thing to pick yourself up from. So for me and all the others with a PhD trying to do something else, go a bit easy on the job interrogation. We might not know where we're going yet. 

International Women's Day (why we need it, why women are fabulous)

It's international Women's Day. Now on one hand I say 'I wish we didn't need a day, I wish we were just equal' on the other hand I say 'Women are fabulous damn right we're having a day to celebrate'

So let's start with the negative. On a most micro 'first world problems' level the reasons behind a need for 'International Women's Day' were perfectly illustrated yesterday when I shared this article from a fantastic women-centred magazine 'Standard Issue' Everyday Sexism Subversion's. In this article one of the light hearted but with a serious undertone comments were 'become a Dr then you'll have a gender neutral title and get better jobs' Having been awarded my PhD and therefore the right to use 'Dr' I commented that it was indeed useful not to have to be defined by a) gender and b) marital status. Among the 'charming' responses I received on twitter was the notion that 1. only angry feminist like myself would 'demand' to be addressed as Dr and 2. I should be using Miss or Mrs so people know I'm available.

So far so 1920s right? In the scheme of things this means little, I had a little rant. Some friends and I firmly put him in his place, it passed a bit of Monday afternoon and inspired a blog post. It didn't hurt me personally in any real sense because I know his opinions don't matter personally. But it does hurt me and women in a wider sense, because it demonstrates the ingrained everyday sexism that leads to our bigger issues.

Because the micro aggressions and everyday sexism is the wider issue. And that we so often just 'put up' with it because it's easier is part of the bigger issue. Now in no way am I saying you have to fight every battle, not at all. Women we can't do that; we'd be existed for a start. But that's why days like International Women's Day are important, because it gives us a chance to stand collectively and say 'This isn't ok'.

And International Women's Day lets us talk about the bigger issues as well. The pay gap, the glass ceiling, sexual violence, women's health care. All of these are vital conversations we should be having more often, but if a day in the calendar helps us to focus, gets the world's attention, then even better.

Now for the other side of things, this day should also be about celebrating women. Yes, we should be challenging the issues, commemorating our history and fighting for our future. But also what's so wrong with stopping for a day and saying 'Women are brilliant, here are some of my favourites'.

And your favourites don't have to be suffragettes or famous scientists or women who died for a cause. Those women are important and fantastic, but they might not be the women who influenced you. And that's ok. This day is about saying ANY woman is important, influential and to be celebrated.

I admit as a woman on international women's day I felt a bit rubbish this morning. I had a piece published on 'Influential Women in Culture' as part of a compilation piece. All the other women were artistic or 'important' women from literature, politics, art. And mine? Well mine was Gillian Anderson.

I admit I felt like the grubby low-brow working class eejit I am. Clearly I was stupid, non-intellectual and everyone would laugh at me for picking a TV actress famous for, even worse, a Sci-Fi show. I felt like 'my' woman and therefore me as a woman weren't good enough.

And then I thought fuck it. I was honest, I sat and thought about that article and what woman culturally I'd like to write about. And sure there are lots and lots of really awesome theatre women, or women academics or authors I could have gone with. But I thought back to when I was a teenager and the first women who influenced me to be strong and clever and eventually to choose my career path was Gillian Anderson. She taught me about accepting my body for what it was, that beauty was relative, and that to speak your mind was good. Maybe I didn't grow up reading Anais Nin. Maybe my choice is a bit 'low brow', but I'm still damn proud of the woman who influenced me, and the woman she influenced me to be.

We should be celebrating all women. From the big 'important' women who break down barriers, who are first to do things and lead the way in their careers, and for women. To the characters on TV and film and books and theatre that inspire us. To the actors who play them, to the singers or performers who we love. To our friends and family. All these women are brilliant important people. It shouldn’t be a sliding scale of importance, we shouldn't be ashamed to say 'this is the woman who influenced me' there are enough men out there who want to put us in a box and hide us away, we shouldn't help them.

So to all the women on International Women's Day: you are fabulous. Do what you do with pride, love the other women around you. And let's start moving towards this day not needing to be anything more than a celebration of how brilliant we are.

Another Suitcase in another hall (interpreting job market via Andrew Lloyd Webber lyrics)

I'm never one to miss a chance at a musical theatre reference/Madonna impression (I'm a child of the 80s..) but this song has been running through my mind a lot lately...

(and yes I know Eva Peron is not exactly a shining role model, but, like I say,  I'm a child of the 80s and a child of musical theatre, bear with me...) 

So it's all become a bit 'Another Suitcase in another hall' since I got official notification I'm losing my job in June. 

It wasn't a surprise, it's nobody's fault (except the Tories, it's defiantly their fault somehow) and I'm fine, I really am. But this song has been running through my head a lot lately. 

Ok I'm a tad mellow dramatic, but actually the more I think about it, the more this song is a good breakdown of the end of job scenario I keep ending up in...

'Being used to trouble I anticipate it, but all the same I hate it, wouldn't you?'

Sums up what I've been telling everyone. I'm used to it, it's the way things are. It's just what happens. And it's all true. It's out of everyone's hands, and that's fine, it really is. But that 'wouldn't you' betrays how I really feel. In rooms full of people with secure permanent jobs, who have long since forgotten what it's like to have to search for the next thing, hope that the next move is a good one. I might be used to it, I might be 'hard through and through' but all the same I DO hate it. Getting back on that job train yet again, not entirely sure where it leads. The feeling that people who are secure in their jobs interpret as YOU that is faulty not a system/market that churns out fixed term contract. 

And I am used to it. Whether through my own damn bad luck, to find myself at the height of job hunting at the height of economic troubles (over and over again) or my own poor life choices, or whatever. I'm used to it. The bits that are my fault and the bits that aren't. But all the same, it never gets easier. 

Suddenly everyone else's success/security seems that much magnified. And having not secured yet the next position is yet another failing in their/my eyes. And so the spiral of self doubt comes. And I keep saying 'I'll be fine, its just how it is' and I do believe it, deep down, because it always has worked out eventually. But all the same I hate it, wouldn't anyone? 

And then there's the bigger picture hangs over this whole proceeding, leading to; 

 'I never fool myself that my dreams will come true' 

Because with every knock back it's easy to feel like it's all doomed. Even though in this instance it's out of my hands, it feels like starting over yet again. That once again it's a sign that it's never going to work out. That dreams never come true however hard you work. 

Which in the cold light of day is ridiculous. This was never my 'dream job' and actually if you think about it, leaving it is more likely to lead to my dream job...because I will have to do something else, which might be utterly brilliant in itself or which might lead to the something else that is utterly brilliant. And I know I know these things-I just wrote them down. But at this moment, it doesn't feel that way. It feels like another notch of failure, and although 'You'll get by you always have before' it's harder to keep picking yourself up from the knock backs. 

It brings up every insecurity, every thought of 'what have I done wrong' or more accurately 'what have they [everyone else out there who of course seems to be doing even better than normal thanks very  much] done that I haven't done. What have they got that I don't? I didn't think I could work harder, but clearly everyone else is working harder. But then perhaps it doesn't matter, probably I should just give up, because dreams don't come true, not for you. 

And so on and so on. 

But it is just Another suitcase in another hall it's not the end of the world. And I know, do know I will bounce back, it will be a case of; 

'Call in three months time and I'll be fine I know, well maybe not that fine, but I'll survive anyhow' 

I have to believe I'll look back, maybe not in three months. But in six, or a year, and this time around it will have been the best thing to happen to me. Because good things will have happened by then. And even if more awful things do happen, I'll survive anyhow, I'll be fine anyhow. I always am. 

And you know what I'd rather find myself bouncing from job to job until the right thing finally happens, than wake up after 30 years and realise I'd made a huge mistake. I'd rather these jobs force me to keep looking for the things that really click, than make me comfortable and safe, and not willing to take the risk and change. It's making me a better employee, it's making me a better person. Certainly a more resilient, stronger person. I keep surviving because honestly what's the alternative? You keep going, keep moving on, and hope that it works out, somewhere somehow. And so far it's always been some version of 'fine anyhow' somewhere along the line, until the next time. So I keep moving. 

It doesn't make it less, awful. The mantra I've been using is 'It's not personal, but it is personal' the mechanisms that keep me in fixed term jobs, or chasing jobs that don't exist, aren't personal. Losing a job at any stage (application, interview, in it) is rarely properly personal. 

But that brings me to another slightly embarassing mantra of mine, You've Got Mail. (Judge away I don't care, I love it) When Kathleen Kelly is told "It's not personal it's business" she responds with:  

"What is that supposed to mean? I am so sick of that. All that means is that it wasn't personal to you. But it was personal to me. It's personal to a lot of people. And what's so wrong with being personal, anyway?"

It is personal. It does hurt every time. Every damn time there's dispair-whether it's a failed job application for the one you really wanted, or the end of a job, that feeling of being spat out once again. Sat on a doorstep with your career suitcase in hand. Another career suitcase in another application cycle hall. Wondering what was so wrong with you to end up here again. 

But, I'll get by I always have before. And eventually, one day, my career will look less like the clip above, and more like this (again, no not an ideal career role model, it's a loosely constructed musical theatre metaphor people...)